recolle | I Thought What I'd Do Was... [Open]

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I Thought What I'd Do Was... [Open]

When: 2/10 and onwards, night time.
Where: Togusa's office or apartment.

Togusa has been, for lack of a better term, jumpy. Not only is he suffering from the dual-sided effects of whatever this new effect is? But now, he is trying to avoid people. Difficult when he is being driven to be as helpful as possible. But every time he looks up at someone, he will flinch, at first, looking at their face, before he can focus on them.

It's driving him to be even more reclusive at night time, picking his office most often to hole up with his notes. Or sometimes going home to spread out across his coffee table. The extra copy of Catcher In The Rye is always open, nearby, to a specific page.

Part 25: "Just so people didn't know me and I didn't know anybody. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes."

He needs to talk to James. And to Mariko. But how does he bring this up to Mariko so late? She has her own problems to deal with right now.

Whenever he stops paying attention, a certain image keeps getting doodled onto whatever piece of paper is nearby.

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Tatsuo nods, not really seeing where this is going just yet. He slides into the chair across from Togusa's desk.

"Yeah, that was a a little concerning, considering we have an Undead Founder known for his illusions running around."

Togusa is still very hesitant, his hands clasp each other to keep from starting to wring them. "If- this is Vanderweele, then. I think he got to me, next."

He swallows hard, and then his eyes flick up again. "I'm seeing things."

Tatsuo frowns a little. Because the last thing they all need is to start hallucinating things.

"That's not good. It happens when you see someone? That's why you've barely looked at me since I entered?"

It's a struggle to keep the hurt out of his voice, to keep his tone concerned. It's nothing personal, so why should it feel personal?

Togusa looks down, almost like a chastised kid, and he nods vigorously. "I look up at you, look at your face, and it's not your face."

"It's that symbol again, the one the other Togusa was obsessed with. The Laughing Man. But it's everywhere." The sudden strain on his voice lets on just how much this is getting to him. "I can't get all the way away from it.'

"That would be rather... disturbing. You can't tell who anyone is at first, you can't see people's expressions..."

Tatsuo frowns more as he tries to figure out what could possibly be going on.

"Wait, how do hallucinations work when you have a cyberbrain? A hallucination would be the organic part of your brain misfiring. Nothing about a hallucination actually involves the eyes themselves. But then wouldn't the computer part should still be recording your vision properly? Is the symbol still there when you review the footage?"

“It’s easier if I’m not looking at you straight on, yeah,” Togusa admits.

How to explain? Togusa leans back in his chair some. “It’s still there. And a hallucination could still be a malfunction, just of the micromachines, not the neurons in the brain. But this is too deliberate.” A hand reaches up, fingers press at the bridge of his nose.

“It could be a hack.”

"So if someone gets in and starts poking at your cyberbrain, they could make you see things."

Tatsuo lets out a low whistle.

"I didn't think anyone could hack you after Yoon-sung left."

Hacking doesn't sound like Vanderweele though. He enjoys his magic far too much. And sure, people like to say magic is just technology that isn't understood yet, but that doesn't negate the fact it's weird.

Togusa nods as seriously as he can, and then his eyebrows raise. "I mean, Mariko has the skill, if she thought to do it. Let's be perfectly honest here."

"But this isn't here. I don't even know if she-" oh that was too much, Togusa. He presses his lips together to try to hold his words back, but lets it back out with a sigh.

"I don't even know if she knows what this symbol means." Because Togusa has been putting off this discussion as long as he can.

Tatsuo lets out a small sigh.

"True. She's definitely capable. If she decided to do it."

Especially since she got her cyberbrain. That probably gives her an even bigger advantage.

"You haven't asked yet."

An observation, rather than a question. A frown tugs at the corners of Tatsuo's mouth.

"Are you concerned that if you discuss your memories with her that it'll cause her memories to develop faster than she wants? Or is there something you've remembered that you're worried about her remembering herself? About her past self or your past self?"

Tatsuo gets being reluctant to discuss things. If he had someone from his memories here, he'd be reluctant himself. The 'why' is important though.

"Yes."

Because the answer is all of the above. Togusa's eyes flicker away again, focusing instead on the far corner of his desk.

"Near as I can tell? She's his commanding officer. They spoke about why he went to work for her. She was right there when he got shot. I've remembered the two of them in combat together."

"And this Laughing Man thing is big enough to have wiped out one of Togusa's old partners in a coverup." He runs a hand over his face. "I wouldn't be balking this hard if I didn't know what else is hiding in this guy's memory." One finger taps the side of his head.

"I told you about what I remembered last October. Section 9, they've hunted down serial killers, the worst of the worst. So far, all I know is this Laughing Man is a kidnapper, extortionist. It can't be that cut and dry."

"And as much as I want answers, I don't want the wrong word said to Mariko to be the thing to pull the rug out from under us both."

Maybe if it wasn't night, if Tatsuo wasn't channeling all the moodiness a Tiger possesses, maybe he would have been capable of a more measured response. But it is night, and it doesn't take much to nudge Tatsuo's emotions in one direction or another.

Since Togusa isn't able to see Tatsuo's face, he won't see the way Tatsuo's frown deepens at his words. Though the mood ring on Tatsuo's finger going black might give a slight warning, provided Togusa happens to glance that way.

"That isn't for you to decide on your own. That's for Mariko to decide, too."

Tatsuo's tone is terse as his fingers curl around the arms of the chair he's sitting in. He's seen how freaked out Mariko is about the things happening to her, the physical changes. And though he figures Togusa know most of what's going on with Mariko, he's not sure if she's expressed how she feels about it to Togusa. Facts are one thing, emotions are another.

Either way, Togusa should know better.

"Don't disrespect her under the guise of protecting her. The moment she finds out, she'll kick your ass."

Togusa looks back up, his face stricken. Tatsuo's words have clearly hit him hard. "I wasn't meaning to-" Cuts himself off. His expression falls.

"But that's what I was ending up doing anyway."

Elbows thunk onto the table, and his head falls into his hands, heels of his hands pressing into his eyes. A sound of pure frustration slips out of him.

"How do you even warn someone about what could come up without just triggering it? I say the wrong thing, she gets visions of that guy that makes what's hiding in Malik's head look like an amateur."

He pauses. He can't forget what he saw in Mariko's dreams, the visions of how she was afraid she would turn out, so similar in a way to how Togusa had been afraid before Mariko had put those fears to rest. But unlike Mariko, Togusa can't tell her 'you don't turn out anything like that.' Because there's too much truth to what she saw.

"She's scared."

"Yeah, she's scared. And that scares me. But if she finds out you're hiding something from her, it's just going to scare her even more."

Tatsuo leans forward, his fingers clenched tight around the arms of the chair.

"You should know by now that trying to avoid these memories doesn't work. How many times have you set off a cascade of memories for me? I have it written down you know, which ones I figured out you set off."

It's probably not fair of him to bring that up, but for some reason it really annoys him that Togusa doesn't seem at all concerned about the memories he's helped trigger in people other than Mariko.

"If telling Mariko about anything you remember causes her to then remember it, at least you might be there when it happens. She wouldn't necessarily have to remember it alone. It wouldn't sneak up on her or catch her by surprise. You're the only one who could possibly soften the blow of those memories and yet you're refusing to warn her what's coming."

Togusa's whole form flinches, that one hurt. He can't bring himself to look back up yet, remaining hunched over.

"I've never meant to," quiet. "You and I are a little too similar, put a problem in front of us and we'll poke and prod at every corner of it to find what's hidden and not to regard the consequences of those answers until it's too late. That's not always the best way to operate."

"I am sorry. For what that way of working has put you through. I am."

But there's still something holding him back, something egging at the back of his mind. Togusa slowly raises his head. "Do you really regret it? Would you rather we'd tried to avoid everything Retrospec threw at us, instead of-" he waves a hand at the folders around him. "All this? What's it gotten us?"

In reality, Tatsuo has everything written down. The details he can pick out from his past-self's life, what he thinks the possible stimuli for the memory was, connections to other memories... He has it all written down, from all of the memories, not just the ones Togusa helped surface. But he's feeling uncharacteristically petulant right now.

Togusa probably has caused more memories than any other person in Tatsuo's life, as a simple fact. But it's not actually something he's upset about.

"No, I don't regret it. I want to know what happened, the truth. What I'm saying is that we can't avoid it, none of us. Not you, not me, not Mariko, no matter how much we might want to. And yet here you are, hiding it from her. Hiding the truth."

"I'm sorry!" More snappish and defensive than he intended, but Togusa's head raises, briefly bristling, before he slumps again.

"I get it, okay? I've been an idiot, I'm going to talk to her, and hope she'll still talk to me at the end of it!" Because that’s truly what is at stake here, to Togusa. His friendship with Mariko is more important to him than the other Togusa’s relationship with this other woman.

Grumbling. "She wakes up in the middle of the night yelling about some guy named Marcoh Amoretti? My fault."

'Should have thought about that first.' It's on the tip of his tongue, but before he can say it, he feels the headache start to build. Letting out a small huff of breath, Tatsuo quickly stands.

"If she does, then I'll be there for her."

As the memory starts hammering itself into his head, Tatsuo turns to leave, but he only gets as far as the door before the pain becomes too much. Grabbing the doorframe, he tries to keep from getting knocked to his knees.

The children are gathered in the kitchen, doodling away with crayons and pencils. Yuiko enters the room with a basket of laundry, and Ikuo runs up to her with his drawing. He's so proud as he shows her the drawing he made of her. He doesn't have any particular skill, but she praises him anyway, then goes to look at what the other children are drawing. Tatsuya is off to the side, looking out the front window. When Yuiko asks him if he drew anything, he denies at first, then reluctantly produces an extremely realistic sketch of Yuiko. Ikuo expresses his amazement at how good Tatsuya's drawing is, and the other boy quips that his only looks good because everyone else is terrible. Yuiko reminds them both that everyone is talented in their own way, then gives Tatsuya a kiss on the cheek for having the best drawing. As the other children gather around to tease Tatsuya for getting kissed, Ikuo laughs and calls him sneaky.

It's a happy memory, filled with warmth and love, but each second it takes for the memory to worm its way in leaves him in agony.

"Tatsuo!" Togusa is up out of his seat in a flash, before he remembers to keep his voice down again. He moves to Tatsuo's side, and his hand goes to Tatsuo's shoulder. Why do these always hit him so much harder than anyone else?

"Hey, hey. Come on." He offers his shoulder. "We've got to get you sitting down again."

The pity party can come to a screeching halt as soon as someone else needs him. He's glad the lights are already low, nothing else to make it worse for Tatsuo. He tries to gently lead, if Tatsuo will let him.

Tatsuo can barely hear Togusa, can barely stand, let alone walk. All he can do is dig his fingers into the door frame, hard enough Togusa will probably find little fingernail marks the next time he looks.

After another moment though, the memory finishes loading, and the pain fades from skull splitting to merely vomit inducing. Though his vision is still fuzzy, Tatsuo manages to reach out to grab Togusa's shoulder. The hand that had been digging into the doorframe transfers itself to his head, pressing the heel of his hand against his temple.

Once Togusa gets him back over to the chair and sat down, Tatsuo cradles his head with both hands. The headache is gradually fading, but it'll be a few minutes before he feels like moving from this position.

Togusa is right there, taking Tatsuo's weight, leading him into the chair, and keeping a gentle hand on his back. He makes no sound for a while, nothing that might intensify Tatsuo's headache. He always feels so helpless when these hit, even though logically he knows he can only do so much, he wishes he could do more to take away the pain of his friends.

When Tatsuo relaxes even a little, Togusa steps away, coming back with a bottle of water. He sets it down on the desk in front of him, no pressure. "Take your time. You can stay here as long as you like." Quiet, soft.

When Tatsuo is finally able to lift his head without the room threatening to spin away from him, he reaches out for the bottle of water.

"Thanks."

He takes a sip of water and slowly straightens up in the chair. His brows are still knit together as the headache continues to linger in the form of a dull ache (not that Togusa will be able to see that). With a small sigh he rubs his temples. He can feel it receding slowly, but just fast enough that taking anything for the pain would be pointless.

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I Thought What I'd Do Was... [Open]

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