Togusa (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
standalonehuman) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
recolle2019-02-11 07:30 pm
standalonehuman) wrote in recolle2019-02-11 07:30 pm
Entry tags:
I Thought What I'd Do Was... [Open]
When: 2/10 and onwards, night time.
Where: Togusa's office or apartment.
Togusa has been, for lack of a better term, jumpy. Not only is he suffering from the dual-sided effects of whatever this new effect is? But now, he is trying to avoid people. Difficult when he is being driven to be as helpful as possible. But every time he looks up at someone, he will flinch, at first, looking at their face, before he can focus on them.
It's driving him to be even more reclusive at night time, picking his office most often to hole up with his notes. Or sometimes going home to spread out across his coffee table. The extra copy of Catcher In The Rye is always open, nearby, to a specific page.
Part 25: "Just so people didn't know me and I didn't know anybody. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes."
He needs to talk to James. And to Mariko. But how does he bring this up to Mariko so late? She has her own problems to deal with right now.
Whenever he stops paying attention, a certain image keeps getting doodled onto whatever piece of paper is nearby.
Where: Togusa's office or apartment.
Togusa has been, for lack of a better term, jumpy. Not only is he suffering from the dual-sided effects of whatever this new effect is? But now, he is trying to avoid people. Difficult when he is being driven to be as helpful as possible. But every time he looks up at someone, he will flinch, at first, looking at their face, before he can focus on them.
It's driving him to be even more reclusive at night time, picking his office most often to hole up with his notes. Or sometimes going home to spread out across his coffee table. The extra copy of Catcher In The Rye is always open, nearby, to a specific page.
Part 25: "Just so people didn't know me and I didn't know anybody. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes."
He needs to talk to James. And to Mariko. But how does he bring this up to Mariko so late? She has her own problems to deal with right now.
Whenever he stops paying attention, a certain image keeps getting doodled onto whatever piece of paper is nearby.
no subject
"But that's what I was ending up doing anyway."
Elbows thunk onto the table, and his head falls into his hands, heels of his hands pressing into his eyes. A sound of pure frustration slips out of him.
"How do you even warn someone about what could come up without just triggering it? I say the wrong thing, she gets visions of that guy that makes what's hiding in Malik's head look like an amateur."
He pauses. He can't forget what he saw in Mariko's dreams, the visions of how she was afraid she would turn out, so similar in a way to how Togusa had been afraid before Mariko had put those fears to rest. But unlike Mariko, Togusa can't tell her 'you don't turn out anything like that.' Because there's too much truth to what she saw.
"She's scared."
no subject
Tatsuo leans forward, his fingers clenched tight around the arms of the chair.
"You should know by now that trying to avoid these memories doesn't work. How many times have you set off a cascade of memories for me? I have it written down you know, which ones I figured out you set off."
It's probably not fair of him to bring that up, but for some reason it really annoys him that Togusa doesn't seem at all concerned about the memories he's helped trigger in people other than Mariko.
"If telling Mariko about anything you remember causes her to then remember it, at least you might be there when it happens. She wouldn't necessarily have to remember it alone. It wouldn't sneak up on her or catch her by surprise. You're the only one who could possibly soften the blow of those memories and yet you're refusing to warn her what's coming."
no subject
"I've never meant to," quiet. "You and I are a little too similar, put a problem in front of us and we'll poke and prod at every corner of it to find what's hidden and not to regard the consequences of those answers until it's too late. That's not always the best way to operate."
"I am sorry. For what that way of working has put you through. I am."
But there's still something holding him back, something egging at the back of his mind. Togusa slowly raises his head. "Do you really regret it? Would you rather we'd tried to avoid everything Retrospec threw at us, instead of-" he waves a hand at the folders around him. "All this? What's it gotten us?"
no subject
In reality, Tatsuo has everything written down. The details he can pick out from his past-self's life, what he thinks the possible stimuli for the memory was, connections to other memories... He has it all written down, from all of the memories, not just the ones Togusa helped surface. But he's feeling uncharacteristically petulant right now.
Togusa probably has caused more memories than any other person in Tatsuo's life, as a simple fact. But it's not actually something he's upset about.
"No, I don't regret it. I want to know what happened, the truth. What I'm saying is that we can't avoid it, none of us. Not you, not me, not Mariko, no matter how much we might want to. And yet here you are, hiding it from her. Hiding the truth."
no subject
"I get it, okay? I've been an idiot, I'm going to talk to her, and hope she'll still talk to me at the end of it!" Because that’s truly what is at stake here, to Togusa. His friendship with Mariko is more important to him than the other Togusa’s relationship with this other woman.
Grumbling. "She wakes up in the middle of the night yelling about some guy named Marcoh Amoretti? My fault."
no subject
'Should have thought about that first.' It's on the tip of his tongue, but before he can say it, he feels the headache start to build. Letting out a small huff of breath, Tatsuo quickly stands.
"If she does, then I'll be there for her."
As the memory starts hammering itself into his head, Tatsuo turns to leave, but he only gets as far as the door before the pain becomes too much. Grabbing the doorframe, he tries to keep from getting knocked to his knees.
The children are gathered in the kitchen, doodling away with crayons and pencils. Yuiko enters the room with a basket of laundry, and Ikuo runs up to her with his drawing. He's so proud as he shows her the drawing he made of her. He doesn't have any particular skill, but she praises him anyway, then goes to look at what the other children are drawing. Tatsuya is off to the side, looking out the front window. When Yuiko asks him if he drew anything, he denies at first, then reluctantly produces an extremely realistic sketch of Yuiko. Ikuo expresses his amazement at how good Tatsuya's drawing is, and the other boy quips that his only looks good because everyone else is terrible. Yuiko reminds them both that everyone is talented in their own way, then gives Tatsuya a kiss on the cheek for having the best drawing. As the other children gather around to tease Tatsuya for getting kissed, Ikuo laughs and calls him sneaky.
It's a happy memory, filled with warmth and love, but each second it takes for the memory to worm its way in leaves him in agony.
no subject
"Hey, hey. Come on." He offers his shoulder. "We've got to get you sitting down again."
The pity party can come to a screeching halt as soon as someone else needs him. He's glad the lights are already low, nothing else to make it worse for Tatsuo. He tries to gently lead, if Tatsuo will let him.
no subject
After another moment though, the memory finishes loading, and the pain fades from skull splitting to merely vomit inducing. Though his vision is still fuzzy, Tatsuo manages to reach out to grab Togusa's shoulder. The hand that had been digging into the doorframe transfers itself to his head, pressing the heel of his hand against his temple.
Once Togusa gets him back over to the chair and sat down, Tatsuo cradles his head with both hands. The headache is gradually fading, but it'll be a few minutes before he feels like moving from this position.
no subject
When Tatsuo relaxes even a little, Togusa steps away, coming back with a bottle of water. He sets it down on the desk in front of him, no pressure. "Take your time. You can stay here as long as you like." Quiet, soft.
no subject
"Thanks."
He takes a sip of water and slowly straightens up in the chair. His brows are still knit together as the headache continues to linger in the form of a dull ache (not that Togusa will be able to see that). With a small sigh he rubs his temples. He can feel it receding slowly, but just fast enough that taking anything for the pain would be pointless.