I’M DEAD, I’M DEAD ( semi-closed )

[usurpers]

WHO: eren jaeger and cr!
WHERE: around recollé.
WHEN: last half of april!
WHAT: expiration dates sUCk
WARNINGS: eren in moody flavor, aot spoilers if those . . . count these days

ＨＡＶＥ ＹＯＵ ＨＥＡＲＤ ＥＸＯＤＵＳ ＷＯＵＮＤＳ （ｂｃ ｗｏｗ）

[ it had been a fairly quiet month compared to the rest, if only a little more focused on the future of his more normal life behind the scenes. at one point, eren had wondered if he should be bracing for something to be so . . . quiet.

or maybe he would’ve been better off not jinxing himself. one night and a vivid dream later, eren awakens without shock, without fright, slipping out of drowsiness and into tranquil consciousness. it would’ve been another pretty good day to look forward to, had he not thought back on the dream— the memory— and still found himself dazed.

he goes about his usual routines, fairly normal if not just a bit thoughtful and quiet. there’s still a part of him that feels like he simply had a dream. it doesn’t hit him immediately, but the same words and scene are the ones he keeps thinking back to. in his cell with armin, mikasa in another, taking notes and writing about the memories he got from the owl that confirm other notes they found. titan powers had more slopes and turns than they ever thought, and it falls down to one single, important fact:

i have eight years left . . . or even less. he said that when he was younger. how old was he, fifteen? sixteen?

how old was he now?

the more the words rang in his head, the faster and more silent eren had become as the days stretch. his usual passionate spark in everything he does is dulled, his features always closed off and terse, and only gradually becoming more disconcerted. his usual patience is cut thin, and anyone who knew better would think twice about approaching a man with the palpable energy he walked with: detected, disturbed and angry.

he avoids people, with reason, only really going out because he had to, found briefly in places like:

— the woods, probably as a giant.
— fort mccoy.
— fast walking downtown with his german shepherd, titan.
— sitting in the sand by the beach at night to brood by the tides at an ungodly hour.
— locked up in his apartment.

those who visit the apartment might have more luck in keeping him still enough to talk than the others, but it might not be so easy still. ]

ＯＲ ＣＡＲＬＹ ＲＡＥ ＪＥＰＳＥＮ

[ alternatively, you can very well not find eren and take notice that he’s become scarce, both in seeing him around and in his usual text to check in.

he probably won’t ignore you outright, but his texts aren’t read if you send him something. at least not without a huge delay. after said extension of silence, you’ll probably get in response: ]

yeah?

[ acting completely natural, like, hey, what’s good. ]

Comments

[fiddlestick]

[ Elliot noticed the sudden distance, but he hadn't dwelled too much on it. It was a busy time of year, between finals and all the antics going on through the town- understandable, if they didn't see each other as much. Not to mention....he had his own weights to deal with. His took the form of letters and packages rather than memories.

Derek had helped him bring the mountain of mail to his garage. A blessing it turned out out, as it gave him plenty of privacy as he went through them. He tried to open them in chronological order, hoping to care care of anything perishable in the oldest ones. The oldest packages were care packages, from both sides of his family. Food that had grown rotten and had to be thrown, but plenty of things that could be salvaged. The oldest letters were normal sounding, he felt pangs of guilt when he read their hopes of seeing him during the holidays.

The holidays themselves brought their own mound of packages. Christmas and Hanukkah gifts and cards from friends and family alike. There was clear disappointment that he wasn't back home, but there was still a forced positive tone in the messages. The holidays were a time of cheer and good will, after all.

But the stuff that was postmarked after the holidays...that's when things took a turn. The letters from friends stopped first. His lack of response must've made them conclude this was the growing apart that happens after high school. None of them had been extremely close anyway. The Fairweathers kept writing and sending packages, but there was worry and upset in their letters. They kept insisting that he write back, that he check on Natalia and Zack - as they had them worried too.

The Craigs on the other hand....

In their letters, worry and upset first turned to fear. But once that passed? It turned to anger. There weren't any Craig care packages, and the letters through February and March were full of accusations to his character and threats to get him to contact them as they took his silence personally. Their relationship had always been a rocky one, so the silence was ripe to draw the worst conclusions from. He read through each one, feeling like each sentence like a strike across his skin.

But once the anger phase passed? Came the worst of it all.

In late March, the Craigs sent several boxes - full of stuff he left behind in New York. Along with it, a single detached sounding letter that made Elliot's legs give out, right there in the garage. There he stayed, staring at nothing in shock, for the longest time. It took a good thirty minutes for him to think to text Eren, to reach out to someone- even if it was a simple "Are you there?". And then when it took Eren so long to respond....his anxieties starting having a field day in his mind over why it could be.

When Eren finally responds, if he's paying attention to his phone? He'll see Elliot's typing for a good ten minutes before he sends out a message way too short to have taken that long to write:]

Are you busy? I'm sorry. I don't want to bother you.

[usurpers]

[ it wasn’t a good first week after the memory— so much that even the air force knew, and it’d be hard not to. he’s been approached and documented, they’ve called him out on his changes that date back more than this week (with more the more agressive ones starting recently), and they give him a notice with instructions, starting with a week’s worth of health leave and corrective measures.

it wasn’t the first of notices in the last month when they observed a decline and change in behavior since march. back then, eren didn’t think he needed it either; he was alright. had a lot of things on his mind, but it wasn’t something consuming. he could straighten it out himself in no time.

probably not this, though. since a misconduct incident at fort mccoy, eren’s on leave from duty, something he hasn’t told others outside yet. he still shows up at the fort, after all, dragging himself to do what he was told and finding . . . every passing day of it a waste. a waste of his time, and a waste of his life. we wants to show up less and less, he finds the orders a bother and even further against what he’s always wanted. it’s eren, do this, eren, do that. eren, it’s your duty. what duty? protect the country? is the country going to protect him?

he’s revolted, and he’s tired of it.

eren leaves his phone on silent and just uses music to jog with titan. at least the music drowns his thoughts for as long as he ran. all he’d think about was the screaming, because it was hard to constantly think of everything else. he was doing enough of that. getting home and sitting on the couch was the next step, looking at his blurry reflection on the tv’s screen.

this can’t be right, he thinks. this isn’t right.

he looks down at his phone with a sigh, and sees a message from elliot. knots tighten in his throat, but he responds, as late as it was. it wasn’t by too long, anyway. he could play it cool (for how long, though?). he’s watching the next message being typed out, and something sinks his chest. maybe it was because he was already hiding something— his thoughts went wild with worry to the idea of being found out in someway. people saw him at the fort, zack did, james did, what if word got to him? eren was, in fact, terrible at lying and faking. it could’ve.

it doesn’t end when elliot sends the next text, too short for the time spent to type it. he’s thinking too much, and eren clicks his tongue, rubs his face. no— ]

elliot no
you know it’s not like that. something came up at work.
what’s going on?

[ he hadn’t been at work, but— what else could he say that wouldn’t give him away? things still had to be normal. he still had to be a strong pillar. he still had to keep his head up until he could solve this.

but there was no apparent solution. his denial was his only hope when it came to holding onto the little bit of spark he still had to live. ]

[fiddlestick]

[ Luckily for Eren, he hasn't been in contact with Zack very recently. At least not in the last couple days. Even now, he was scared to reach out to his cousins at the moment. How was he going to tell them? What would they say? What if they tried to get involved?

Either way, he's unaware of what this something at Eren's work could be. There's a delay in his response, his anxieties were telling him not to bother anyone, but ... ]

Sorry. I wasn't accusing you.
I just finished sorting through all the mail from my family.

[He's in full timid apologetic mode. He hasn't spoken to Eren like this in a long time, not unless something was really wrong.]

My aunt and uncle disowned me.

[activatingcombatmode]

[Zack heard of the issues Eren had with Elliot and Natalia a few months back. He knows about this Titan business even though he hasn't seen it for himself before. He can still remember the strange memory he saw while on that train cart with Eren that left him feeling odd. And because he hasn't seen Eren much lately since all of that when he spots the kid at Fort McCoy on a regular visit he stops to glance at him a frown.

... Eren looks exhausted. Or is it something else?

He comes over and claps a hand on his shoulder.]

Hey.

[usurpers]

[ he’s here because a part of him tells him that he still has to be. if he wanted to keep things more or less covered, he had to— admittedly, it’s a difficult task to accomplish. everything is when your heart just isn’t there.

eren isn’t sitting just anywhere, though. he’s sitting on a waiting bench just outside one of the clinics with a waver folded between his fingers, staring down and far, far away. he’s questioning his reasons to be here— why he’s still doing this, why he even came at all. maybe he just wanted to convince the rest that he’d be fine. that there wasn’t anything wrong.

it’s also unconvincing to say nothing’s wrong when you suddenly talk back to an officer, when you’re getting into fits and fights with just about everyone. eren’s behavior had worried the life outside of retrospec just as much as in it, to the point that he’s sent here: to counseling.

eren’s just about to put his face in his hand and take a deep breath when the thoughts come again (elliot, the future, how much time he had, but no, what did he mean, he can’t just accept this, he didn’t even know—) before he jolts upright from the clap on his shoulder. he didn’t notice zack coming over, much less anyone coming over. he made it clear that he should be avoided. ]

. . . What’re you doing here?

[ “hey zack good to see you too”. he’s tense from head to toe. zack shouldn’t be here (but doesn’t he always visit-?) ]

[activatingcombatmode]

[Zack almost takes his hand back, giving Eren a slightly confused look at that returned "greeting" because it's not abnormal for Zack to be here after all. It's when he takes a second to really see that look in Eren's eyes that the concern settles like a rock in his stomach. So he keeps his hand there and gives it a slight squeeze and shakes before he answers,]

Guess I could ask you the same thing.

[His tone isn't that usual banter bite he has when usually talking to Eren. It's concerned, even and genuinely curious.]

Haven't seen you around much lately.

[angealwings]

[ The problem with ungodly hours is that, well, Andrew works nights. So when he's not taken his car, he's out and about at night, and it's not difficult to recognize the figure staring out at the water.

So there Andrew is, jogging up to Eren and standing ... where Eren can see him while still looking forward, but not obscuring the view. ]

You're up early. Or is it late?

[usurpers]

[ the ocean was a lie to him, once. a symbol that kept him going, only to crumble right before his eyes and shatter everything he had lived for. there’s no freedom beyond the ocean, it’s only a different world with the same disgrace, sometimes with tragedies even worse than the ones he knew. humans were their own victims. the world was beautiful— but in no way would it stop being simultaneously cruel.

believing in such ideals almost felt foolish from the standpoint he was in now, watching the waves pull forward and back under the moon’s light and some street lamps. it’s going to work out, we’re going to make it, it’s going to be okay— for how long? for how long does playing optimist do someone more good than bad?

eren’s thinking long and hard, in a phase that tends to balance right between denial and hopelessness. he can hear the sand shift below someone’s moving legs, he just doesn’t have enough interest to see who it is. when it’s andrew that speaks, in his view, eren looks up, pauses— and is strangely apathetic, looking at his wrist watch for the time and returning his stare back to sea. ]

Guess it’s early.

[angealwings]

[ Well, this is... definitely a chilling difference from how Eren usually is. Andrew frowns. ]

So it is.

[ Softly.

Then he steps closer and sits beside the younger man. No questions, no commentary, no platitudes. Just sits there with him. It might help, it might not. It might make Eren stand up and leave, or simply move away.

But as Andrew doesn't know what the problem is, and it's clear that there is a problem, well. He's not one for shooting in the dark if there were other options. ]

vanessa carlton

[servileness]

[ Magatus took its toll out of Clover earlier this month. She's better and worse for it. She wants to hide in her room for the rest off the month but knows she can't. She's made her promises, some she'll do her best to keep, some she'll likely break.

It's in town that she almost misses Eren walking Titan. She does a double take because she doesn't think she's seen Eren this angry before and almost doesn't think it's him. ]

Eren? [ That's too soft and too herself. ] Eren!

[ She jogs to catch up to him. ]

jojo

[usurpers]

[ eren can’t hear clover’s calls— not when agressive lyrics pound against his ears through his headphones, so loud they could be heard from quite a few steps away. korn just easily gave off that sort of disturbed energy he was internally relating to. maybe outwardly too— he looks about ready to take on a bus. titan keeps looking up at him, uneasy as they walked in their hurry. she’ll probably have to reach out to him directly; his attention is to the ground, he doesn’t even need to weave through people on the sidewalk. they easily open a path for him and murmur as he steps past. ]

spice girls

[servileness]

[ because STOP, Eren, don't cut yourself on that edge. Titan deserves better than this.

Clover's concern is both for how uneasy Titan seems and the sheer amount of rage that Eren is emanating. She doesn't want to touch him and have him try to knock her away by sheer automatic emotional reflex, so her solution is this: she sprints to cut in front of him and block his path.

If he moves to the side, so will she until he looks up to see her. She'll walk backwards into anybody for this. ]

[smothershadow]

[After the first few times, Amelia had stopped minding wandering into the woods this far, even when the spring rain had a tendency to turn the paths muddy. Her dress was more sensible, but still a dress.

She was out here first for once, busy examining a flower. When she heard footsteps, the older woman turned to see who it was--to either glare at a hiker for choosing a very poor venue for a campsite, or to greet Eren. No one else she knew should be visiting this area right now. But instead Amelia frowned slightly, lips pulling into a thinner line.

Something wasn't quite...right about his posture. Raising a son who sometimes hid things from her made such things easier to spot. It was like Eren was carrying something heavy on his shoulders, not like how he usually was at all.]

Hello, Eren. Is something the matter?

[usurpers]

[ something being the matter felt like an understatement. soft words of concern sting and snap to eren’s ears in a way that boils his blood. it was obvious that something was wrong, but it wasn’t as if it could be fixed with a hat tip, or shoved to the side and forgotten in favor of living life to the fullest for as long as that was.

but he wanted neither option, and accepted none that didn’t resolve it. no matter how much he had to think, or keep it to himself enough that it begins to eat away at him, eren carries on in an unhealthy way. he’s losing his job, not like it even mattered much anymore, especially when he was wanting to stop— but what then? he couldn’t think of another. it felt fruitless.

human nature tempted him into a deepening hole that always says: it’s like none of this matters anymore. and it hurt. it hurt to feel what was precious and important slip through his fingers like water. he goes after them, fingers cupped and pressed together tightly to keep everything from going through creases— but it still happens, even if he turns his eyes away from it. even if he simply rejects the idea, and keeps rejecting it. the more he did that, the more his ire felt swollen.

he continues with the plan as always when he met with amelia in the woods; he throws his bag off to the side and goes for his pocket, pulling out a favorable tool and flicking the blade from its switch with a shake of his head and a raise of his shoulders. ]

Just getting ready.

[ you know. in the “mood”. ]

[smothershadow]

[Eren this was not fine, the room was metaphorically on fire.

His answer only further deepened Amelia's concern, rather than relieving it. Her arms remained crossed.]

If you insist.

[She was not convinced at all. But this wasn't her kid, and her empathy was a limited resource.

The flick of the knife seemed to be the signal; Amelia had never particularly liked that he needed to bleed himself to transform, once she noticed what he was doing. Even if Eren healed the wound almost immediately, it seemed so...uncouth.

But he could fight. And for now that was what mattered.

Amelia's form smoldered away into the light dappling in from the new-formed leaves, growing taller and inhuman by the second until her horns pushed through the branches. The dragon flexed her wings, shaking off the last of the light, and waited for Eren to catch up.]

fashionably late

[dirtdevil]

you must be busy.

[ that or Eren's done a compete 180 from walking on eggshells around him to blatantly ignoring him. seems unlikely. ]

thought you should know i remembered something, but i guess it can wait.

never late 👹

[usurpers]

[ a pause here again, but luckily, it’s nothing too noticeable. he spends more time trying to figure out what to write than actually staying quiet, so . . . ]

yeah. sorry. [ he’s just. busy. ] what was it?

[dirtdevil]

you mentioned something about squads before. i had one of my own, didn't i?

[ have fun with this one!! ]

I'm late so imma just do text

[nachetanya]

I just hadn't seen you in a few days! I'd been seeing and hear you around too much lately it felt like something was missing in the world!

it’s never too late . . .

[usurpers]

[ oh, natalia. always so chipper when you’re in better moods. ]

haven’t been around. work’s been a little bumpy.

Oh . . . is it ?

[nachetanya]

[ Or when she's faking it . . . ]

Do you mean the air force? I don't actually know if you have another day job?

late af

[blessmefather]

[ Is Eren okay? Matt had to wonder when he realized Eren had been keeping to himself and locked up in his apartment longer hours than usual. He would have expected additional voices from the apartment more hours or more movement. From what he can make out Titan seems anxious, pacing around more than normal. A smart dog like that can sense its owner's emotions.

One evening Matt orders in extra food from a place he knows Eren likes and excuses himself, leaving Mary, Natalie, and Foggy to start eating dinner without him. He tells them he's bringing a plate to Eren and asking him if he wants to join them. Minutes later he's knocking on Eren's door with a very appetizing dish in hand. He'll lure him out with that smell if that's what it takes. ]

shhh 😚

[usurpers]

[ eren has perhaps eaten a few crackers a while ago just to say he ate. titan comes padding up to the door with constant sniffs, no snarls or barks— well, there goes a bark, one that wants to grab attention. eren would’ve left it at that, searching google, the network, doing what he had to do and initially wanting to be left alone regardless.

titan gives him away, fortunately or unfortunately enough, barking once more and forcing him to stand. looking into the peep hole, eren hangs at the door for a few seconds, inhaling, glancing down at titan who glances up at him— and opens the door. ]

Hey.

[ titan wears a canine grin and a wagging tail when matt’s there, almost seeming to smile thankfully at the guest. ]

why

[maskreant]

[ Akira hasn't seen Eren around for some time. At first, he wasn't worried, but he noticed how his friend paced downtown... How he was quick to leave when they bump into each other. It's hard to ignore all the signs no matter how subtle they are, especially when Elliot seems listless in his own way. Akira is the type to wander late at night, even when he isn't holding up any crosses of his own. The beach, while always there, is soothing and calm, so here he is to clear his thoughts to the crash of the waves. Hands in his pockets, he watches Eren from a sizable distance away, giving his friend some space.

A minute passes, now ten, then finally it hits the half an hour mark. He guesses Eren must have noticed his presence by now, so he slowly walks over to him, but doesn't utter a word. Instead, he takes a seat next to him so they can enjoy the view, let the silence sink in, and exist. He doesn't want to force it until he knows Eren is comfortable. This is enough. ]

why u

[usurpers]

[ things have been— a little better. word was out (to those who needed to hear it), and they were still working on it. he still wasn’t in too much of a mood to enjoy the company of others, for truly, he wouldn’t be able to savor it the way he should, and thus he forces little of it. he still waves people off, tells him he’s busy, or that he’s not feeling well enough that he’s left to his own devices.

he did notice someone nearby enough as he sat at the beach to think, avoiding eye contact or lifting his head toward the presence— he’d see who it was, and then he’d be obligated to converse and interact when any small click could have him building up tears. to eren’s demise, the person who has decided to approach him and sit in silence. he wasn’t even in the mood to be snappy. just a little tired of going into a desperate feeling loop of anxiety and waiting for answers in the form of his phone whistling a message to him.

the silence bothers the more it stretches, obviously, and his chest tightens up the minute he decides to turn his attention to the blotch of wavy black hair cut short. he’s beyond anger and rejection, beyond irritation and lack of faith. ]

Sorry about the other day.

[ where he most likely ran right through a simple hello with a tightly knit face of grim features. ]