recolle | (closed)

(closed)

WHO: Karkat Vantas (

alienates) & Jason Todd (

antagonize)
WHERE: Recollé University
WHEN: Forward dated to 3/9
WHAT: Jackass: Recollé U edition
WARNINGS: Exploding microwaves?? Maybe??? I don't know.

[So. There is a toy crab in the cafeteria microwave.

Jason isn't... entirely sure of what do to with it, honestly. Nor does he have the slightest idea of who could have shoved it in there, with the cafeteria being relatively empty and all. He pulls it out of the microwave, holding it up with his thumb and index finger like it might be contaminated, and then he glances around the room.

To the first person he (sort of) recognizes, he asks:]

—Hey, did you see who left this here? It was in the microwave.

[Actually... isn't this kid....... kind of young for college...........]

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[ fuck u jason you're barely older than he is

karkat is graduating soon, so he went on one of those tours of the campus and then got bored halfway through it and wandered off on his soon. he is pretty sure that isn't illegal so, whatever. this is fine. anyway you'll have a better idea of what going to college is like when you explore on your own anyway. ]

Some assholes, probably. I thought they just didn't know how to make ramen noodles or something.

[excuse u karkat he is an ADULT]

If they mixed up a toy for hot water, they might want to consider glasses. Or a new brain. [SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT, THOUGH. And he considers the crab for a couple seconds longer before unceremoniously throwing it at Karkat.] Whup — this is yours now. Congrats on your new crab, dude.

[College, as it turns out, if full of weird assholes.]

[ he catches it (admittedly he also almost drops it but he will deny that) and then just stares at the toy before throwing it back at jason. ]

I don't want it. You found it, so take care of your child or something.

[CATCHING — and immediately tossing it back. This is going to turn into crab hot potato.]

Pass. I'm not taking care of someone's long lost crab child. [Poor crab.] But if you're not keeping it and nobody's looking for it, we might as well put it out of its misery.

[By... dunking it in the trash. Or turning it into a science experiment. The microwave door is still open, nice and inviting.]

[ it is because karkat is just going to immediately toss it back to jason. this crab does not deserve this?? ]

Wow, that's dark. That's like euthanizing the family dog. [ except instead of a lifelong furry companion, it's a stuffed animal they found in a microwave. ]

We could put it back where we found it.

Yeah, well. Little Timmy's going to have to get used to life without Lassie.

[The crab did, indeed, deserve better than this. Too bad it ended up in the hands of these two assholes. When Jason catches it again, he flings it into the open microwave.]

There. Back where we found it. Any parting words?

Sorry, Lassie. We'll miss you for approximately twenty seconds before we move onto the next thing that will hopefully not be as mind numbingly stupid as this has been. I am sure you can somehow spin this into how the system of higher education is failing us, but frankly I do not care enough to find a reason beyond, "Trusting people with a microwave." A-fucking-men.

[ he gestures at the microwave. ]

Send it to hell.

[Wipes an imaginary tear from his eye, his other hand resting on the microwave door.]

Amen. May you rest in peace, Lassie.

[And then he, you know, closes the microwave door and nukes the poor crab. TECHNICALLY nothing bad is supposed to happen because it's just a stuffed toy. Worst case scenario, they'll get an boo-boo pulling it out. Lassie the Crab will be fine, right? Right.

... Except these two idiots never bothered to squeeze the toy, which totally had a battery inside. Mistakes happen.]

[ karkat isn't sure what he was expecting? like jason's meta text said, probably just a slightly warm stuffed animal. if they just left it in there, it might become an amusing story for the next person who opened the microwave. what he definitely had not been expecting was to witness a mini light show from hell. there are many questions that flash through his head:

1) don't stuffed animals have cotton in them?
2) is cotton really that flammable?
3) is the microwave okay?
4) if the microwave is not okay, will he have to pay for it?
5) are there cameras here?
6) should he be running?
7) is this other guy a fast runner?
8) if need be, can karkat ditch him and let him take the fall?

before he can truly contemplate these things, especially the last few points, something happens though. one moment, he's standing in an empty cafeteria, watching lassie the crab die a pointless death, and the next he's... in a bedroom, having a conversation with someone over the internet. he's arguing with them over a game, or something, but that doesn't matter. what matters is that he does something, and then his computer fucking explodes and blows a hole in his house. also there's a dead giant crab monster?? lassie????????

karkat snaps out of it though and he is still. here. with jason. what. ]

Sweet fucking exploding Christ what the fuck just happened?

Edited 2017-03-11 02:30 (UTC)

[When Karkat snaps out of it, Jason is already jabbing the "pause" button on the microwave. The plate stops rotating and the nuking comes to an end, but Lassie the Crab is still burning away — half of its body has been blown clean off and what remains is slowly being consumed by the fire, beady eyes melting and plush innards curling in on themselves. It's, uh, the stuff of a 6-year-old kid's nightmares.

Stepping away from the microwave, casting a glance at the cafeteria to make sure it's still empty, Jason looks at his accomplice in this murder.]

Death. [THEY'RE MURDERERS, PAL.] Death just happened.

[The microwave door is staying firmly shut. Depriving the fire of oxygen should put it out, right?? Right.]

I think this is our cue to skedaddle before an employee comes check what all the hubbub is about.

[ DEATH SURE DID OCCUR HERE.

yeah karkat has no plans to open that door. if the smoke comes out then that might set off a smoke detector or something, right? that seems like it'll make this situation even more complicated so it will definitely be best to just leave it alone and let this all sort itself. ]

Yeah let's just walk casually away from the crime scene.

[ he is going to start walking actually towards one of the exits, but he stops to see if jason is following. karkat has decided not to ditch him because they are now like, bonded for life or something via stuffed animal murder. ]

[Y...eah... The microwave is being left as is, the charred remains of Lassie untouched for someone else to find. No one has come to check what these two hooligans are up to — and not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Jason isn't going to question it very much. This is to say, he's totally following Karkat toward that exit.]

Crime scene? [SWEATING PROFUSELY. ON THE INSIDE. Because that would be gross on the outside? Ew.] I have no idea what you're talking about. There's no crime scene here.

[What if they just do a blood pact to never speak of stuffed animal murder ever again.]

[ karkat is also concerned about the actual (or not actual??? those visions are weird) murder he witnessed, but he does not want to bring that up because it's crazy and he does not want jason to think that he is suffering from ptsd from a stuffed animal or something. ]

Look, the fact that this place is practically empty is a sign. God obviously wants us to get away with this, so we should not refuse this gift.

[ karkat isn't religious at all so everything he just said is utter bullshit. ]

Do you see me refusing this gift? I'll do my Hail Marys or whatever in gratitude later.

[They ain't doing time for this?? But Karkat is definitely the only one having visions of real crab murder, so. Sorry, buddy. You're on your own.]

Now less talking and more absconding. I want to be on the other side of campus by the time someone comes heat up their poptarts.

I think we got seriously trolled there, dude. They probably left it in there on purpose, hoping that some dumbasses would fry it.

[ and they were those dumbasses. karkat would be impressed otherwise?

once they are out of the cafeteria though, he will actually give jason a proper look over. ]

Didn't you go to my high school?

If that's the case, we got played. Like chumps. Can't say I'm too happy about that.

[They made a mistake... Crab murder was a mistake. Now that they're away from the scene of the crime, though, chitchat is acceptable.]

Unless you studied somewhere else and we both have one of those faces, yep. [There's... only one high school in Recollé, so.] Aren't you supposed to still be there?

I'm touring the university.

[ ..... karkat you are obviously not on any kind of tour. where's the tour group?? they are not murdering crab plushes. ]

Uh. I needed to use the bathroom?

[ no..... ]

[A FLAT LOOK.]

So you decided to take a tinkle— in the cafeteria?

[Buddy. Pal. Amigo. Compañero. You can't walk down a flight of stairs without bumping into a map of the campus.]

There were lines everywhere.

[ which can be believable? the lines for bathrooms can get pretty big. still doesn't explain how he got here but like... details. ]

Okay it really only matters what I was doing here if we get caught. Which we won't, since we did nothing wrong.

If you waited, you might have gotten to piss already. Or taken a dump. I don't want to know what's chugging around, ready to be released from your nether regions.

[It does not, no. And that is all the more reason for them to keep speed walking? Let them be on the other side of campus within the next two minutes. Let them develop super human speed out of shame.]

We totally did not. But isn't sating my curiosity worth it? Come on, humor me.

I actually was here for the tour.

[ oh whoops there's a security guard. karkat slows down his speed walk slightly to appear slightly less suspicious. ]

But those things are really boring? How the fuck do they expect you to retain all that information?

They don't.

[Jason has seen this security guard before so he just. Establishes eye-contact for a second before carrying on. Nothing to see here, officer. No corpses in the microwave, waiting to be discovered.]

I think they just expect you to be dazzled by the campus in hopes that you'll apply for college somewhere. Hell if I remember the tour I took of this place — and that was last year.

There's not that many places you can go to school here.

[ he doesn't consider that some people choose to leave their cities and go to college elsewhere? hm.

he watches the guard go along on his merry way when something suddenly hits him. ]

Wait. Do they have security cameras here?

[He offers a shrug in response to that. People sometimes arrive for college, but leaving for college? Seems kind of a hassle, man.]

Uh—

[A GOOD... QUESTION... A good, distressing question.]

Only... near the vending machines? And the ATM.

[Please sound more sure, Jason Grace.]

... They're probably some of those really shitty camera, right? Like you see in convenience stores where you can barely even see the person's face and it skips sometimes.

[ they have no way of knowing any of this, karkat is just assuming? most places are cheap and a university can be most places. ]

Right. Bet they're in black and white, too. Universities these days, y'know? Really cutting corners with security.

[Just let them assume for their peace of mind, yike.]

Yeah. Totally.

[ for a second it seems like that is all he has to say and that he may excuse himself, but then he very visibly hesitates before opening his mouth again. ]

You didn't see anything weird, did you? When the toy exploded?

[That gets him to raise both eyebrows.]

Besides my life flashing before my eyes? [He's being overly dramatic and exaggerating.] Nothing. Why do you ask?

[ karkat cannot even criticize because he is equally as dramatic about everything ever. if you don't make a big deal out of every small inconvenience then what is even the point?

karkat pauses. he wasn't sure if jason had seen something and was just pretending he hadn't, like karkat had been until now, but now that karkat has his confirmation for the alternative he isn't sure how to continue here. ]

I had one of those... weird hallucination visions whatever the fuck? When we murdered the microwave.

[A beat.]

... If you hallucinated about setting someone on fire or something fitting like that — I don't want to hear it. Witnessing microwave murder was more than enough for me.

[Said by someone who hallucinated about blowing people the fuck up a couple days ago.]

It was a crab dinner gone very wrong.

[ it's said dryly, and much more like his usual tone in general. he's honestly pretty thankful that jason didn't want the details; karkat would prefer not to share. he just wanted to know if he was the only one who saw something or not. ]

So... Lassie, then. Good to know your hallucinations are following a theme?

[Alas, Karkat is on his own with this one. Sorry, pal.]

Maybe I was a crab fisherman in a past life, and now they're showing up to get their revenge for their eaten brethren.

[ more like exploded brethren but, sure. ]

Since you murdered Lassie they're going to be coming for you next.

Great.

[Dead brethren, in any case???]

I'll let you know if I have any vivid memories where they run out of biscuits at Red Lobster — or something. We can commiserate.

I am sure we will definitely get to the bottom of all of this and the answer will be in their biscuit recipe.

[ karkat actually wants their biscuits now, but he will most likely avoid seafood for a little while now. ]

We should probably split up. It'll be harder to hunt us down.

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