[ OPEN ] SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

[crudest]

WHO: Baren & open to all! (closed threads for bingo in comments)
WHERE: The plaza! The mall! Throughout Recolle! Anywhere!
WHEN: throughout July
WHAT: Diamonds are a girl's demon's best friend, Party Satan Tours™️, and Bootleg Retrospec Merch. Rest in pieces, everyone.
WARNINGS: baren being baren sounds like a legit warning to me

[ A : HAVE YOU HEARD? ]

[Baren doesn't like doing what he's told - in fact, he hates it.

The problem is that he's also a very, very, very curious person by nature.

As a result, the bingo cards taunt him ruthlessly. Which is why he finds himself setting up a stand right in the middle of the plaza, standing atop a crate like a loony. Anyone who recalls his eyepatch shenanigans might notice that for some reason, he's still wearing one even though the trend is no longer at its height. On top of that, it's... well. Bedazzled. Beautifully and artistically, about as aesthetically pleasing as any.. bedazzled item... can be.

The shit he does for bingo.]

You won't believe the shit that these guys sent me! A whole treasure chest of sparkling jewels like I'm some kinda gaudy pirate! But you know - they actually have some merits to them? Sapphires for good luck and protection. Amethysts for healing properties. Rubies for those struggling for love—

[And he stops what he's saying, spots you in the crowd, and just looks... sad....]

You want one, buddy? I'll give you some for free. You look like you need it more than I do.

[he's just doing it for shits and giggles, stop him]

[ B : AND TO YOUR LEFT, YOU'LL FIND - ]

[You know those ridiculous, shitty buses that people ride on in Hollywood to creepily stalk out the houses of celebrities because who doesn't love Beyoncé.

Baren managed to rent one for the day. On the side, instead of Star Tours or anything like that, there's an actually very artistically well-done and aesthetically pleasing logo for Party Satan Tours™️. Baren did not actually trademark the name, he just wanted to put the little mark on.

And here he is, perched precariously at the very tip-top of the bus with a microphone, clearing his throat as he points out:]

And you know that spot? Retrospec is trying to keep it on the down-low, but that's where a bunch of leprechauns they accidentally summoned host their gambling circle every Tuesday. There's the opportunity to make a pot of gold pun here, but I won't. You're welcome.

Oh, oh! And over there - on the right! Rumor has it that about two decades ago, that's where a baby suddenly had enough superhuman strength to fight off a burglar that was trying to take its candy. Further research is needed, but I think that's the first sign of someone getting ridiculous powers in this city! Supposedly, these superpowered folks now just walk among us! But you know... Now that I think about it....

[And he turns to someone random on the bus, singling them out embarrassingly even as he leans forward precariously.]

You look kinda familiar... Do I know you from somewhere?

[ C : THANKS FOR COMING ]

[And anyone who leaves the tour - why did you end up on it - or is just walking by on the street is now the proud owner of an 'I ♥ Retrospec' t-shirt.

Except right beneath it, in smaller font, it says '- said nobody ever'. (He thinks it counts.)

And because Baren doesn't know the meaning of self-control, he made bobbleheads. Sort of. Instead of the bobblehead man actually having a face, there's just an empty slot where you can put in a picture of a friend for shits and giggles. Except the placeholder image just says 'Jim?' and on the back of each bobblehead is a neat little 'KICK ME' sign.

Finally, finally, to kick off the end to his absolutely chaotic day, Baren takes one of the bobbleheads, tosses it into the air, and with a baseball bat that he definitely just bought from the sports shop next door, proceeds to knock a homerun swing to send it flying.

He's too busy cackling madly to actually think about if it hit someone. Well.]

[ OOC: Just trying to knock some miscellaneous squares off Baren's Bingo! If there's any others that you want to cross off, or need help crossing off, let me know! I'm available for plotting at evergrace. I'll have some closed threads in the comments for pre-plotted bingo squares but I'm always ready for more! ]

Comments

BUCKY : SLAP HAPPY

[crudest]

[So the thing is that Baren is thorough. As soon as he got access to the network, he started to read back on everything he missed. This includes noticing when people chose to break into Retrospec. Sure, he could choose to slap that one kid who got the files and no longer has their name on the registry, but that seemed a little cruel. Even for him.

Instead he recalls a name that came up when there was a small bounty on his head - and he figures... well, why not?

When he catches sight of Bucky just walking down the street one day, he pauses. Reaches out to tap him on the shoulder.

Smiles in a friendly way, which you probably wouldn't direct at someone who wanted to catch you for a $20 bounty.]

Hey.

You James?

[frostythehitman]

[ James, meanwhile, never did end up following through on that bounty (negotiations fell through, what can you do) and never bothered so much as remembering the guy who had the bounty placed on him in the first place. Sorry, Baren, you just don't rank anywhere in the importance of people in James's life.

So when he gets a tap on the shoulder, he whirls around to find...some relatively pleasant looking guy. With an eyepatch on? Okay, that's weird, but James honestly can't judge, considering he practically wears spandex full-time now. ]

Yeah, that's me. Why?

MARY : P-P-P-POKER FACE

[crudest]

[Baren tends to be good at noticing his surroundings - and one of those things were this girl that had started to wander over to the Inkwell. It's with some curiosity and some snooping that he finds her on the contact list for Retrospec - that should let this count for bingo then, right?

Hence why he's approaching her one day in the bar, hands in his pockets and head tilted curiously.]

Say, you have time for a game today, miss?

[He doesn't really waste time... and he's got something that he's curious about.]

[hollywooding]

[ mary is always up for a game. she's hanging out at the inkwell a little before closing time, waiting for chuuya to pay up from their deadly game of uno earlier this week. her feet swinging on the bar stool, leaning on the bar and playing with her phone, she doesn't even notice baren until he speaks to her.

but, when he does, she smiles, lips curling up as she turns towards him properly. ] Oh~? I have a little while. Did you have something in mind?

MAJIMA : 5 FINGER DISCOUNT

[crudest]

[A few people have shown Baren their Retrospec items - but they're all kinda bulky? Swords can be hard to lug around and don't seem worth the trouble. A business card, however...

That's easy for Baren. He's been pickpocketing since he was a child, swindling since he knew how to talk. When you're meant to be a menace, you gotta teach them while they're young and that's what his mother did. Hence why he's just visiting Club Sunshine one day, grabs Majima's wallet while he's distracted just long enough to take the business card, and then slips the wallet back in.

For good measure, he talks to one of the girls for a few minutes, says he's here just for a quick trip today, and then approaches Majima on his way out, extending the business card back out to him between his quick fingers.]

Needed to borrow it for bingo. Thanks. ♥

[sotenbori]

[ majima's versed in theft too but he's also working and he doesn't fight in his club. it's just a rule. customer is king, blah blah blah. so baren has no problem stealing his wallet. he just keeps an eye on him while he's working (too bad he's only got one!!) and intends to confront him about what he took when baren shows up to hand him the card on his way out. ]

Ah. Okay.

[ i mean, it's a fair enough reason. he's used it for a lot of things this month. so he puts it back in his wallet. ]

You could have just asked.

NUI : MY FAIR LADY

[crudest]

[It's not like serenading a stranger on the street isn't a thought that comes to Baren now and then - but normally he's had a couple of drinks before he'll go through with it.

Now it's just bingo that moves him forward.

But you know, if he has to go and serenade someone, he'd rather it be a cute girl? So that's why we're... here. Apparently. It's a dumb, showy affair for no reason. He has a bouquet of flowers in his hand - as if that'll help ease the embarrassment - that he extends to Nui even as he sings in a remarkably smooth tone:]

It's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do
Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you ♪

[king of mixed signals has arrived]

[eyestitch]

[Jim's IMPACT.]

Oh, my! I just don't know what to say!

[Nui's response is the exuberant, surprised but delighted young girl who's just been proposed to by...someone she actually knows and cares about. It's definitely a performance, but she's putting her back into it. She has no problem accepting those flowers, though, pulling them out of Baren's arms with gleeful acceptance. Hers now.]

Keep going, sweetie, keep going!

KARKAT : ASSASSIN VAMPIRE AT YOUR SERVICE

[crudest]

[Baren's a pretty common face for anyone who pays attention to fashion - but he really doesn't have that many people that he'd consider friends, and none that he'd ever admit to out loud. However he knows for a fact that he can rely on Kashuu being a social butterfly when it comes to helping out with bingo squares at least.

He briefly remembers Kashuu talking to someone at prom - the horns were a little hard to miss - and it's when he just sees Karkat walking by one day that he just... starts a conversation. As bored Barens are wont to do.]

Just curious, but how many horny jokes do you get a day?

[alienates]

You just filled the quota. Also, every time someone makes one they owe me a dollar. Pay up, bitch.

[ karkat immediately holds his hand out.

give him his dollar. ]

MAO : FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED

[crudest]

[Baren's paranoid. He hates it when he lets people have his number. He hates it a lot. He keeps his contact list extremely trimmed and even now when he needs to contact the people he knows over Retrospec, he uses the DMs feature or something else stupid. Like walkie talkies.

But he has to do this for fucking bingo.

So he dials a completely random number, he even closes his eyes so he doesn't see the keys, and then waits.

Waits.

And then - ]

Hey, I was just checking in to make sure that you're still good for receiving that delivery of 2 giraffes and a hippo?

JOKE'S ON YOU, I DID FORGET

[chuusai]

[ Mao is usually pretty diligent about his phone, but he's got his guitar out and nearly misses the call, so checking the ID is second to making sure he picks up at all.

And then he... really wishes he had checked. ]

Excuse me?

MALIK : CLOSE ENOUGH

[crudest]

[Baren's always wanted to order a dumb t-rex costume. (Bicycle not included. Thankg od.)

This is as good an excuse as any, he thinks. Hence why he's going to waddle down the streets of Recolle going... way above and beyond whatever the fuck his bingo card asked of him, and then he manages to spot a familiar face. He breaks out into a grin. His voice is probably distorted from inside the costume but he still manages a point with one of his... small arms... and yells:]

Hey, bottle blonde! Start running!

[godcards]

[ It might be muffled, but his ears definitely pick up on bottle blonde. But of course, because this is an absolutely ridiculous sight, Malik just. Stares. ]

No. Go away. Go bother someone else!

CHUUYA : MESS INTENSIFIES

[crudest]

[Sometimes you just feel like causing chaos. Or if you're Baren, you always feel like causing chaos.

His day was spent making paintbombs because... why not? He could use them for inspiration for his next graffiti work, throw them at his enemies' houses like the worst TP fiend, or.... this. "This" being a visit to a more upscale bar, meaning that Baren has traded his usual avant garde outfits for well-fitted slacks and a surprisingly plain blazer. (He just doesn't want paint to get on one of his floral ones.) It's right before their ridiculous plan gets set into action that he pulls Chuuya aside into a less crowded hallway and raises a brow - ]

So I'll go through with this either way but - remind me again why you hate this professor so much?

[doublesmall]

[Chuuya's probably wearing something borrowed, honestly-- he's not wrecking his own clothes, he can't replace those-- straightening out his shirt and glancing up to Baren with a huff. Don't just pull him around...]

-well, first he asked me to give him my real name. Finally managed to convince him I'm actually from Japan, and then he starts asking why I don't write fucking haiku for poetry assignments, like that's the only thing his ass knows about.

[Chuuya rolls his eyes, folding his arms.]

Gave him my review for that class in iambic pentameter. I wish I'd had the nerve to paintbomb his office, though.

C!

[ladytakamaki]

[ so. that bobblehead goes flying, and ann doesn't get hit? but she does, in fact, see it and it grabs her attention. she's just as fed up with retrospec already, and she just got here, but from what everyone's saying? they have every right to be upset about what's going on.

so. ann's mad, too.

she marches up to baren, points at the bobbleheads. ]

Hey, can I throw one of those, too?

[crudest]

[ . . . well, Baren's not the type to deny a lady.

But the thing is that he also needs to fulfill bingo. So he's gonna go ahead and just hum, grabbing a bobblehead but also one of the Retrospec t-shirts, tossing both of them over to her helpfully.]

You got it.

A

[explodosafe]

[Cutter makes the mistake of stopping and staring way too close within Baren's reach because damn, doesn't this face rings any bells and he can't believe that it's him!

No wait, he actually can.


He stares at the offered stone, then at the bedazzled eye-patch. ...Yeah. That's definitely something.]

You.... Seriously??

[crudest]

[Baren just nods certainly.]

Yeah! Of course?

[As if he's not trying to manage a major scam here...]

[wordcarvings]

[ It's not like there are no wild animals around the city. There are cats, and birds, and dogs, and there are some other kinds as well. However, Koutarou has never seen an actual tanuki roaming the streets of Recollé before. Raccoons, yes, he had seen a few of those, but tanuki are different from raccoons, even if they were called raccoon dogs in English.

So there's no wonder that he is surprised at seeing a tanuki wandering around, while he sits at the porch of his atelier for some fresh air while he eats his lunch - though he doesn't know the hour, it's probably not lunch time at the moment. ]

Hello there, you.

[ His voice is soft, and he is genuinely intrigued at seeing it in the area. ]

[crudest]

[Tanuki-san is curious, poking around at the smell of food. Baren's probably not too far from the area, wandering around and causing trouble in a different way. Soon enough, he'll probably go looking for his new furry friend to make sure that he didn't get in trouble somewhere else.

But for now, Tanuki-san approaches curiously! With a little tail wiggle, Tanuki-san responds to the sound of being addressed and makes a little huffing noise before hopping over to make a new friend.]

wildcard bc i can

[appraiser]

[ Ryoji half a year ago: I'm going to adopt a dozen elderly dogs and start a senior dog sanctuary
Ryoji sometime this month: I just adopted a new kitten and named her Katkat after Karkat
Ryoji rn: what is this precious creature, how could such a cute creature exist, i want ten hundred

He'd never seen anything like it before, wondering whether it's a dog or a cat or something else entirely. There's no collar, and the black eye patches he sees before it stops, turns, and skitters the other way makes him think of a raccoon, but he's less concerned with what it is than where it's going, eyes on the black spot on its head as he follows it through the city towards whatever usual haunts it frequents. ]

[crudest]

[Tanuki-san is a curious creature, not unlike Baren himself. It's prone to wandering, getting into a little bit of mischief, and then scampering back home once it gets in over its head. But mostly Tanuki-san is in search of food and attention, though there's a little pause when it realizes that it's being followed.

Then a turn back over when it sees Ryoji, slow. Curious.

A little sniff in Ryoji's direction.

Hello, do you want something.]

HEY I HEARD YOU WERE A WILDCARD OOOOoooOOO

[stopbleeding]

[There was a sword in his house. A full katana, beautifully made, sheathed in a pure white scabbard with gold trim just sitting on his fold-out card table. It had been there since he had woken up and it had stayed there all morning, taunting him, compelling him, calling to him. He didn't touch it.

Afternoon came and someone's sword remained in his house. His sword remained in his house. But which him? The past? The present? Or both? For the first time since his integration, Zoro understood the intimidation of the memories. The sheathed blade sat like a monument in his main room, demanding attention and stirring emotions Zoro wasn't sure he wanted to have. Attachment, possessiveness, fondness, sadness, pride–all of it disturbed him. Too much all at once, brought upon by a foreign object.

He tried to ignore it, tried to touch it, but found himself unable to do either. So he just... sat, slumped on the couch across from it, waiting for an answer and instead recieving...

... a weird raccoon? Trotting in from the back deck, unafraid. Zoro watched it poke around his fishing gear, sniff his side table, jump up onto his television and leap across. Onto the sword.

Zoro doesn't think about why he moves so quickly. He tries to forget that he shouted, that he was angry, that he thought, desperately no one touches that. He simply moves on instinct–that's it–grabbing the raccoon by the tail and hoisting it out onto the docks. No matter how gently he puts it down, he's still crouching down to stare it in the eye for a firm talking-to.]

Your home out here. My home in there. My things, in there. My sword... [He jabs a finger at the animal] ... you don't touch.

[crudest]

You mean this sword?

[Meanwhile, Baren just slipped his way up to the houseboat at some point during Zoro's depositing of the poor tanuki outside.

Maybe he should've gotten the memo that he shouldn't touch people's swords without their permission, but that hasn't quite managed to work out. Instead, he's automatically doing a little test - the rhythmic tapping of his fingers against the sheath of the sword, watching Zoro to see if there's any sort of sign that he feels it anywhere on his own body. A weird experiment, but apparently a necessary one after all the shit that Baren's seen.

Still, he just tilts his head as catches sight of his tanuki, whistling low - to which the tanuki proceeds to completely ignore Zoro in favor of trying to clamber back onto the houseboat.]

Z, let's trade. Think you found something of mine.

WILDCARD: CHOCOBO MORE LIKE CHOC-OH-NO

[roseblooms]

[The thing about someone like Baren is that he's almost never inconspicuous; you don't even have to be present at his antics to be aware that they're going on, what with how rumors spread and sordid stories fly. Things happen; people talk. A little group of underclassmen go walking by the library brandishing their new "I <3 Retrospec" t-shirts and talking about tour buses.

So clearly, something is afoot, and somehow Fawkes's intuition is giving him the nagging sense that sooner or later, the foot will catch up and overtake him as well.

It's later in the evening that he does eventually run across Baren, almost randomly, presumably after all relevant parties have been hit by flying bobbleheads and the Tours From Kegger Hell have ended for the day. And the truth is, most days he might've just left things to a glance and kept right on walking, but for some reason, today he doesn't.

...Possibly because he's not actually walking, but rather he's astride a clearly used-but-in-good-condition Kawasaki, red and black and silver, that he seems quite pleased with as he pulls up in Baren's vicinity.]

Rumor has it you've been having quite the exciting day.

[crudest]

[To be honest, Baren was actually having a quiet moment hanging out on a street corner. Despite what might be expected, now that he's stationary, he seems to be surrounded by... animals? Stray cats pay at his jeans, a little dog sits nearby as if just waiting for him to do something. Baren was just focused on the fat tanuki in his arms, though he does look up when someone starts talking to him.

Well then.

The look on his face goes from bored to amused in record time, grinning easily.]

Are you about to give me an exciting evening too, Kitty Kat?