Okita Souji (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spes_phthisica) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
recolle2017-04-10 12:17 am
spes_phthisica) wrote in recolle2017-04-10 12:17 am
[Closed] I will hold the balance
WHO: Soujirou Satsuma and Yasusada Tomato
WHERE: Yamato's mom's place, in his room
WHEN: Evening of the 7th
WHAT: Soujirou needs to distract himself from awful stabby memories, Yasusada needs to distract himself from falling out with Kashuu. Possibly they can distract themselves by trying to distract the other one? IDK it's worth a shot.
WARNINGS: Possible references to violence with these two? Nothing else.
*
[It's pretty surreal, being back here. The pangs of guilt come and go when it comes to the way he'd isolated himself from his old friends, but it's particularly bad with Yasusada. Soujirou hadn't dropped off the planet the way Kashuu had - for one thing, he'd stayed in the same city - but depression and dealing with a chronic health condition as a teenager had meant retreating away from all social contact for a while. Once he started recovering, it was with the idea of a New Life that wouldn't make him feel like a failure, and reconnecting with people had just felt too complicated. Besides, he had his studies...
So for a while Yasusada had lost Soujirou on top of his best friend in the whole world, and it appeared as if everyone else had sort of drifted away from the kendo club for less dramatic reasons. The worst part is that even when he'd slowly stopped outright avoiding most of them, there had been a cowardly part of Soujirou that meant he still put off reaching out to Yasusada specifically. The reasons were complicated, painful - but that didn't make it any less of a shitty thing to do.
The point is, it's a bit hard to meet Yasusada's mother's eyes when she greets him, and he can't help but feel like he should apologize somehow. Walking to his room is like walking through a memory in a much more concrete way than whatever Retrospec is doing. He's pretty sure there's a faint dent in one wall that he caused with a stray bokuto.
Their complicated past aside, though, it feels completely natural to immediately walk up to the same spot on the floor where he always used to sit, as a skinny child with buzzed hair and eyes that permanently looked too big for his head, like a perpetually cheerful alien. He sinks down there, knees still hugged to his chest, although he has to shift a bit to avoid sitting on his now much longer hair. Then he looks up at Yasusada with a bright smile, trying to not lett his confused state of mind show.]
This still feels just like home. Isn't that weird?
WHERE: Yamato's mom's place, in his room
WHEN: Evening of the 7th
WHAT: Soujirou needs to distract himself from awful stabby memories, Yasusada needs to distract himself from falling out with Kashuu. Possibly they can distract themselves by trying to distract the other one? IDK it's worth a shot.
WARNINGS: Possible references to violence with these two? Nothing else.
*
[It's pretty surreal, being back here. The pangs of guilt come and go when it comes to the way he'd isolated himself from his old friends, but it's particularly bad with Yasusada. Soujirou hadn't dropped off the planet the way Kashuu had - for one thing, he'd stayed in the same city - but depression and dealing with a chronic health condition as a teenager had meant retreating away from all social contact for a while. Once he started recovering, it was with the idea of a New Life that wouldn't make him feel like a failure, and reconnecting with people had just felt too complicated. Besides, he had his studies...
So for a while Yasusada had lost Soujirou on top of his best friend in the whole world, and it appeared as if everyone else had sort of drifted away from the kendo club for less dramatic reasons. The worst part is that even when he'd slowly stopped outright avoiding most of them, there had been a cowardly part of Soujirou that meant he still put off reaching out to Yasusada specifically. The reasons were complicated, painful - but that didn't make it any less of a shitty thing to do.
The point is, it's a bit hard to meet Yasusada's mother's eyes when she greets him, and he can't help but feel like he should apologize somehow. Walking to his room is like walking through a memory in a much more concrete way than whatever Retrospec is doing. He's pretty sure there's a faint dent in one wall that he caused with a stray bokuto.
Their complicated past aside, though, it feels completely natural to immediately walk up to the same spot on the floor where he always used to sit, as a skinny child with buzzed hair and eyes that permanently looked too big for his head, like a perpetually cheerful alien. He sinks down there, knees still hugged to his chest, although he has to shift a bit to avoid sitting on his now much longer hair. Then he looks up at Yasusada with a bright smile, trying to not lett his confused state of mind show.]
This still feels just like home. Isn't that weird?
no subject
But that doesn't mean he's heartless. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel very deeply for his friends - sometimes too deeply, which is the reason he'll bend himself out of shape to protect their feelings before his in the first place. He'd told himself that avoiding Yasusada wasn't just for him, that it would be better for them both in the end. Because his friend wouldn't have to see how much he resented and envied him at first, and later on wouldn't risk ever having to deal the complicated snake's nest of emotions that poisoned theirs early years of friendship.
Maybe it hadn't been entirely untrue, but he knows now that saying it was for Yasusada's sake was just making it easy for himself.
The point is that Soujirou could pretend not to see his friend's distres, and it would probably be easier for him, in a way. But if he claimed it was for Yasusada's sake, he knows he wouldn't be honest with himself.]
Is that so? [Soft, gentle words. He scoots around the tea tray carefully until he's next to Yasusada, and then unceremoniously wraps his arms around him in a hug.] I'm here if you ever get lonely too.
no subject
But he can't do that. He isn't good with words--never has been, probably never will be. And while he knows plenty of people who are content with just an "it's nothing, I'm okay, thanks", the ones who aren't are the ones that really matter. Soujirou, naturally, is one of the latter.
So he just nods, turning the macaron over in his hands. He really should eat it, not that his mother's allowed him to miss meals over this, but suddenly it's as though all the strength has drained from his body, and he's helpless to do anything but lean against his friend.]
I know...
["You don't have to worry, I'm okay," how nice it would be if he could say those words. He's not okay. He's not, and Kashuu's not, and nothing about this is okay at all. But he doesn't really have the words to describe how not okay it is, either, and it's only his attempts to focus and convey his thoughts that keep him from simply breaking down and crying into Soujirou's sleeve.]
It's just-- [How can he explain this to someone who, for all intents and purposes, is in the exact same boat as Kashuu? How can he cry about how unfair it is that he doesn't get to follow his dream with his best friend beside him, when Soujirou should be right there along with them?
But Soujirou took the bokuto, that day. Soujirou has yet to lie to his face and claim he doesn't miss the time they spent together. That's the difference.]
I get it... I get that it's hard. I do. I know... I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I promise I understand why. [Why Kashuu and Soujirou don't like to talk about it, that is. He pauses, scraping at the top of the macaron, head resting against Soujirou's shoulder.] But... it mattered, didn't it? All that time we all spent together. It meant a lot... it wasn't a waste. And I just-- I'm tired of hearing that it was. Especially when I know it's a lie.
[Maybe he wouldn't push so hard, if Kashuu would just admit that he cared. If he could be honest and say out loud just how hard it is, how it hurts to think about the old days when he'd be forcibly wrenched off of his dream path. But maybe Kashuu needs to realize he's not the only one hurting. Maybe that's important too.]
He used that sword like it was nothing. Like how we could do that move, but-- even better than that. [Which is why this is happening now. If it had been a normal fistfight, if Yamato had chosen to leave that sword at home and ask about it later, maybe things would have played out differently. But he chose to bring it, and more importantly, Kashuu chose to use it. And he'd really, truly used it, like he'd never gotten hurt in the first place.] That's not the kind of thing you should run away from.
[And even if it was, he'd told Kashuu to give him the sword. He'd given him the option to cut himself off again, completely and thoroughly, and Kashuu had refused. Which is, as far as Yamato's concerned, just another sign that everything Kashuu said that night was a boldfaced lie. And that's the part that hurts the most.]
sinks back into sleep YOU SAW NOTHING
Better, then, to just open the wound and try to find the right answer in there as quickly as possible. Better to cover up the ugliness there and act like it doesn't hurt at all. Anything else would be selfish, right?
Still there's a small part of him - one that sounds more like Kiyomitsu than Soujirou might've expected - that wants to protest that no, Yamato doesn't understand. But that's unfair. Of course he doesn't understand completely, but he understands enough. Wipe the gall away and find better words.
He fishes a macaron out of the bag with his left hand, and tries.]
I imagine the reason he says things like that... is because it mattered so much. [Every word feels like a jagged edge, but that's how he knows they're true, right? He smiles mildly, squeezing Yasusada's shoulder.]
When you lose something that mattered that much, it- it takes away a lot of you. It feels like there's not much left. [That's good. If he talks like this, it sounds like it's not about him at all.] And even if you find things to put together a new you, that doesn't actually change that you're not the same person you used to be, and you can't have that back.
[He's pressed so hard on the macaron that he's broken the delicate surface of the crust, and green flakes shower into his lap.]
Even if someone gave him back everything he once had, Kiyomitsu still won't be that person again. He can't. Even if he wants to, he's already gone past. And now maybe... maybe he feels like he's expected to lose himself all over again, just to try to be something he can't.
[A moment of hesitation, as he realizes that it sounds a lot like he's taking sides, and he adds:] I don't think that's what you meant, though.
I see everything
Still, he shakes his head slightly, just a little.]
I don't want him to be that person again. Kiyomitsu is Kiyomitsu. [Ah, so saying his name does hurt. No wonder Kashuu always slides back to "that guy" or "that girl" when he's upset.] But with all of these things happening, he can't keep running away. If the sorts of things I keep dreaming about are premonitions instead of memories...
[He trails off, but he shudders, just a little. He doesn't even want to think about that.
And that's not even the real issue here. He has to admit that to himself, he wants to be fair in any way. Watching Kashuu run from his feelings hurt long before some mystery company hacked all their phones.]
I just don't understand why he thinks he can't talk to me. Like I can't tell that he's lying when he says he doesn't care anymore. I told him to give the sword to me if he really didn't want to use it again, because-- [Why? Why had the thought of that sword sitting, unused and forgotten in the dark, seemed so sad? There are a lot of things going through his mind, but eventually he says:] --because then it would free him, wouldn't it? He wouldn't have had to worry about it anymore, if I had it.
[Of course, Kashuu never did bother to tell Yamato that he's connected to the sword, that he feels everything that happens to it as clearly as if someone reached out to him personally. GEE, KASHUU, MAYBE THAT WOULD'VE CLEARED UP SOME THINGS.
But no. No, all Yamato knows is that when he'd challenged Kashuu to cut ties completely, to prove his disinterest by handing over the blade to him, Kashuu had refused. And between that, and watching Kashuu move like it was nothing... it was too much. The whole night was just too much.
He sighs, setting the macaron down and dropping his hands into his lap. There are still traces of blue nail polish on his fingers, the bits that he hadn't picked off in the middle of the night, too upset to get any real sleep.]
That sword is too beautiful to sit in a closet, anyway. Even if he wants to run from me forever, somebody should take better care of it.
shhhhh
It's fine.]
It's not really about you. [Although Yasusada being Yasusada probably doesn't make anything any easier.] It's just that talking about it probably hurts. It takes a lot of energy and time when something bad happens to tell yourself that you're okay and moving on, so the last thing you want to do is keep talking about how much it hurt and how awful it was. And you can't really talk about the good things without the bad things being part of it.
[In other words, it's not like it's Yasusada that Kiyomitsu is trying to convince. But Soujirou isn't going to come out and say "He's trying to convince himself that he really is fine, because he needs to believe it" because that really is too personal, and it would be a pretty huge betrayal of Kiyomitsu too.]
I- I saw the sword, it really is beautiful. But... it came to him. It's part of everything else. [He waves a hand vaguely to indicate the situation they're all in.] You're right, he can't run from this, and you can't free him either, because taking the sword away from him won't solve the real problem of being caught up in all this. Don't you think he knows that? So saying "either you accept this or you let go" is- is pretty cruel when he can't let go and he's being forced into accepting it already. Because he doesn't actually have a choice when it matters the most - again.
[It's draining, talking about this in a calm and rational manner. He can feel sharp edges under the softness of his voice, and he can't seem to drag the razor wire out of his throat - it seems to have tangled up with something in his chest.]
I spent my lunch break on this
I can't, Soujirou. Even if he doesn't mean it, I can't stand to hear him say that none of it mattered. I can't live the rest of my life wondering when I'm going to say something that'll send him disappearing across the ocean without notice again. Especially not when all these things are happening. Maybe he doesn't have a choice, and it's not fair, but what's avoiding it going to do? Isn't that just going to make it even harder later on? Because these things are happening more and more, and it doesn't look like any of it is going to stop anytime soon.
[There's a reason Yamato once attacked people on the street to make friends. It's not because he's just that much of a maniac, though he did always enjoy being taken up on his aggressive offers. It's because he's always, always had the uncanny ability to say the wrong thing at the right time, with absolutely no ill intentions behind it. It would be easier to handle, maybe, if Yamato was just plain mean, the type of person who drove people away by hitting where it would hurt the most. But no--the cruelest things he's ever said have come from entirely innocent places, whether he's trying to help or simply expressing his own feelings.]
What would you do? If it was you? [It's not a hard thing to imagine, is it? Soujirou's body is already doing what it wants, he's already had visions of blood and violence. It's probably just already matter of time anyway.] If you wake up tomorrow and there's a sword on your kitchen table, what are you going to do about it?
[It sounds like an ultimatum. Side with Kashuu and pretend it's not there, or side with Yamato and accept it? But that's not how he means it, and whatever Soujirou might say, it doesn't change what Kashuu's response was. And as selfish as it may be, that's what Yamato is focused on now.]
that is true friendship right there
[Maybe it's harsh to parrot Yasusada's argument back at him like this, but the assumption that he knows how Kiyomitsu should react to all of this grates on him. And maybe also the way his friend had just made it so personal, when Soujirou had been trying so hard to keep the whole conversation away from himself. He said that he understood that it hurt, but then had to slap him in the face with a question like that. Especially since his and Kiyomitsu's situations are so radically different. For a moment it rises like gall, the spiteful desire to ask, You know that I'm actually dying, right? Do you know what my life expectancy is? but he bites it back. No. He doesn't need to talk about that. What good would that do anyone?]
If that happened to me... I wouldn't hide it away. But I'm not sure I'd actually use it either. I don't want to use an actual sword - I never wanted that. [He'd wanted to gain new skills, get better, perfect his athletic pursuits to an art. Sure, he'd enjoyed sparring and fighting, but it had never been about hurting anyone. And no matter how beautiful, a sword is still a weapon.] It wouldn't mean nothing, but it wouldn't suddenly mean more than the life I have now either.
no subject
But it's true that Soujirou's situation isn't the same. And while Yamato's always listened more to Soujirou than he has to Kashuu, it isn't Soujirou he's upset with.
"You might have to use it," he doesn't say. "How long am I supposed to wait for him to be ready, then?" he doesn't say, either. Instead, he just shakes his head again, and pulls away--not because he needs space from Soujirou, just because he's finally ready for his tea. When he looks up, his eyes are still dark and sad.]
Well, Kiyomitsu chose to hide it and to use it both. So when he is ready, he knows where to find me. [He pauses, then mumbles:] If he's even noticed.
[He'd gone back home the second day, because of course he had. Yamato's never been good at the silent treatment in any way. But it had been obvious from the minute he walked in the door that Kashuu hadn't returned home--which wasn't surprising, but it hurt nonetheless. It had been a sharp reminder of the terrifying loneliness he'd been hit with, the reason he'd gone searching for Kashuu in the first place. And that, more than anything, cemented his decision to stay at home.
Kashuu said it himself, didn't he? He had to move back to the city, for his new career choice. Whether he likes it or not, that means he can't drop everything and disappear again, not without shooting himself in the foot. And if Yamato's presence really has so little meaning in his life, like he'd said...
Well, if you can't see it, it doesn't hurt, apparently. Maybe this time, that'll be true.]
no subject
And he's not sure he was just entirely honest, either. He finally takes a small bite of his mangled macaron, and with his eyes averted, he adds:]
If I could wield it without hurting anyone, if I could do it without- without needing to bring a stupid oxygen canister or worrying about a heart attack or something... [It's the most words he's said about his condition to anyone who isn't a doctor or his mom, and the words leave a strange taste in his mouth.] I would. I would pick it up without a second thought.
[He swallows, tries to manage a proper smile again as he reaches for his tea as well.]
I think he longs for it too. I think he longs for you when you're not around. He's just not good at saying what he means, you know? You've got to keep being patient with him.
no subject
But Yamato isn't so caught up in his own pain that he can't see Soujirou's, and he reaches out to take Soujirou's free hand, offering him a small, grateful smile in return. Soujirou's doing his best--it's not his fault it's not working. Yamato's got enough self-awareness to admit that.
...Not enough to agree with that sentiment, though. He huffs out a laugh, but it's hollow, though he doesn't let go of Soujirou's hand.]
I doubt it. [It's muttered, meant to sound resentful, but mostly it just sounds sad.] If he cared that much, he wouldn't have disappeared without a word.
[Some might argue that Soujirou did the exact same thing, but that's different--Yamato has no idea how long he was in the hospital, how long it took him to get well enough to leave his house. It could've been just weeks ago, for all he knows. Kashuu just chose to hop a plane one day, without so much as a goodbye. Kashuu lies about a lot of things, but "I didn't come back for you"? That much, Yamato's sure is the truth.]
no subject
He can't pretend to know exactly what Kiyomitsu had been going through. Had he been driven by the blank greyness of depression, the recklessness when nothing much having any meaning that Soujirou is so familliar with? Maybe, but all he can say for sure is that their sense of loss had been similar. Soujirou had mourned many things; the loss of his health, his shortened life, the strained relationship with his dad... though in the end, strangely perhaps, he had mourned his dreams and his future carreer more. It's complicated, and what Kiyomitsu went through was no doubt complicated too.
Still, he uses his now free hand to gently cuff Yasusada across the head, leaving a few macaron crumbs in his hair.]
He had you to come back to. No matter why he did what he did, you were still there for him at the end. Even if he didn't care enough to stay back then... don't you think that changes things? [He makes an affectionate little sound, drier than intended, but not enough to make him cough.] You'll see. Someone accepting you back into their life after all that time is rare. He's not an idiot, and things have changed. He won't push his luck for a second time.
no subject
If someone were to ask him if he loved Kashuu, the answer would be a straightforward "yes, of course", as if anything else is simply absurd. He's never actually expected Kashuu to do the same.]
I wish you were right. [He doesn't want to let go of Soujirou, wants to offer as much support as he can when Soujirou's doing just the same for him. But he doesn't want his treat to go to waste, either, so he shakes his head, mussing his bangs to get the crumbs out. It's even messier in the end, but at this point, it's almost impossible to tell.] But I haven't heard from him in a week. I don't even know where he is.
[That's not entirely true. He's sure Kashuu is still somewhere in the city, probably still going through his daily routine, if Yamato knows anything about him at all. But he genuinely doesn't know if Kashuu's returned home, or if he's found someone to stay with for the time being, or if he's already started packing his bags. Yamato hasn't strayed far enough away from his mother's house to find out.
"Home". He wonders how long it'll be that, in his head. Probably far too long.]
Anyway, he said... he said he only came back because he had to. I don't believe a lot of the things he says, but that... he probably meant that.
[It doesn't explain why, when he'd returned, Kashuu had gone to seek out Yamato. But it doesn't matter anymore.]
no subject
(He'd never expect Kiyomitsu to say that he loves Yasusada. But it's pretty obvious that he does, right?)]
Maybe he didn't come home for you. But when you came home, you were there, and you forgave him. I think, even if he never said anything, something like that would matter to someone in his situation.
[He remembers the lack of identity he'd experienced when everything went wrong, the way his mind could not stop asking, What good am I, then? That was the other reason he hadn't reached out to his friends. He just hadn't been able to let go of the thought that they wouldn't be interested, that he had lost the one thing that made him valuable in their eyes. The one thing that made him important.
He has a feeling it's similar for Kiyomitsu, too, passed between the two of them in everything they don't say and don't acknowledge. So surely it must've meant something to come home and find someone waiting? Someone who still valued him even after they no longer shared this huge part of their lives.
He's not sure he should elaborate on that, though.]
I've seen him. He's... around, and I don't think he's sleeping at home right now. [He shrugs slightly.] But he doesn't look like he's going anywhere either. I'd just give it time - though I know that's not easy. [Yasusada quite frankly looks dreadful.]
no subject
But I don't really have any reason to go back there, so it doesn't matter. I'm not going to look for him. [He says it quietly, but with a finality to his voice that makes it obvious he's thought about this a lot already. Yamato's always tended to shape his identity around the people he cares about. But for once, for possibly the first time since they've known each other, he refuses to bend himself around Kashuu's insecurities. He can't--not unless he wants nothing more than to break apart.
If they run into each other on the street, well... that might be a different story. And if Kashuu comes to him--
--but no. There's no point in speculating on things that aren't going to happen.]