Togusa (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
standalonehuman) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
recolle2019-03-14 01:40 pm
standalonehuman) wrote in recolle2019-03-14 01:40 pm
Entry tags:
Not So Solid State [Open]
WHO: Togusa (guest starring Koutarou) and you
WHERE: Back in Recolle
WHEN: 3/14
WHAT: Togusa has gotten back his worst memory yet: he thinks he knows how the other Togusa died.
WARNINGS: Description and discussion of suicide and gun violence at minimum.
BACKGROUND MUSIC: https://youtu.be/AuWosgXzrs4
It was almost fate that the memory happened when it did. Togusa had come back from the outer layer, because world ending or not, identities being unwound or not, Togusa is spending his best friend's birthday at his side.
The two of them had a fantastic day. Togusa was able to keep Koutarou clear of the problematic art museum by taking him out for pottery painting, instead. They made a lovely set of teacups between the two of them, they'll each keep one of their own and one that the other painted. The evening was back to the atelier for what was supposed to be a movie but turned instead into a night of conversation until Togusa tucked himself up on the futon. Not just a relaxing day, one where Togusa could completely put down the concept of Retrospec, but a day that reminded Togusa of why he is doing this all.
-----
And then the nightmare came.
It almost felt like a dream, with the way that Togusa was so out of control of his own actions, but it had the sharpness of vision of a memory. And even his dreams could never duplicate the repeated error message in the corner of his vision, the warning bells that have him literally seeing red. He is out of control because someone else is in control.
And then one feeling comes in sharply, the tiny hand in his. He can see her beautiful, trusting face, looking up at him. Hikari. And his heart breaks. Because he is leading her to certain doom, as the whispering voice in his cyberbrain tells him. Taunts him. It is a doom that only her father could take her to.
As they sneak into the hospital, a resolute calm settles over Togusa. Because the voice begins to offer him a choice. To lose his daughter, or to lose himself. There's always a way out, ever-present, holstered at the small of his back. He feels his right arm move under his power this time.
"Listen, sweetheart. I need you to do something very important for Daddy. When Daddy lets go of your hand, you run away as fast as you can. ... And whatever you do, don't look back. Can you do it?"
Her look of trust. It never wavered, even then.
"This is goodbye, my angel."
Someone is screaming his name...?
-----
Togusa slams awake with his whole body jerking and shaking as if he is having a seizure. His throat is luckily so choked with horror that he doesn't let out the scream that he desperately wants to. Every nerve in his body is firing at once, convinced for some impossible length of time that he is dying.
He isn't even aware of himself breathing again until a cool hand settles on his forehead. Koutarou. There for him, as always. Koutarou drags him up to his own bed, and his best friend's calm and steady presence gives him something to hang on to, to remind himself of what is real. It's the only way he can get back to any sleep.
Koutarou also has to take the front line of dealing with the aftermath in the morning. Although he can't explain fully, Tougsa can find creative ways to bring up each one of his worries. He dreamed he was shot ("It's reasonable that's a fear of yours now, Hitori."), does that mean this is going to happen again? ("Maybe, but you also know a lot of officers who have retired peacefully.") Of course, he saw himself sacrificing himself for someone else ("You could certainly stand to be more selfish, but then again, if you were, you would not be Hitori.")
And, of course, that he saw he had a daughter. ("You still have time, and you would make the best father. If nearly dying urges you to speak up to someone that you like? It's still not worth it, but that's one silver lining.")
Maybe better than any words he gives, the fact that Togusa can still go to his best friend and find comfort is what calms Togusa back down. The two of them are able to move past it all and turn the morning into a leisurely breakfast, and eventually Togusa can depart with his head held high.
------
By the time he is ready to talk to anyone else, Koutarou has gotten Togusa out of crisis mode, so he is no longer desperate, but he knows that he has to talk this over with quite a few people. He knows how the other Togusa died. And it was in perhaps the most in-character way that he could imagine.
At last, he has gotten the answer to his biggest question about him: is the other Togusa a good man? He is. He can say that with certainty now. He just wished he could have figured it out before he saw this.
Phone calls or texts go out to those closest to him. Mariko, Tatsuo, Shuji, and others. In his haste, there is a good chance he will mess up and send a message to the wrong person on the app. He is feeling a little uncoordinated, like he hasn't totally settled back into his body after the dream.
And they still have a job to do with one of those things he found in the outer layer. Togusa has an odd idea on that front, but he needs the help of a few people when he goes back out there.
WHERE: Back in Recolle
WHEN: 3/14
WHAT: Togusa has gotten back his worst memory yet: he thinks he knows how the other Togusa died.
WARNINGS: Description and discussion of suicide and gun violence at minimum.
BACKGROUND MUSIC: https://youtu.be/AuWosgXzrs4
It was almost fate that the memory happened when it did. Togusa had come back from the outer layer, because world ending or not, identities being unwound or not, Togusa is spending his best friend's birthday at his side.
The two of them had a fantastic day. Togusa was able to keep Koutarou clear of the problematic art museum by taking him out for pottery painting, instead. They made a lovely set of teacups between the two of them, they'll each keep one of their own and one that the other painted. The evening was back to the atelier for what was supposed to be a movie but turned instead into a night of conversation until Togusa tucked himself up on the futon. Not just a relaxing day, one where Togusa could completely put down the concept of Retrospec, but a day that reminded Togusa of why he is doing this all.
-----
And then the nightmare came.
It almost felt like a dream, with the way that Togusa was so out of control of his own actions, but it had the sharpness of vision of a memory. And even his dreams could never duplicate the repeated error message in the corner of his vision, the warning bells that have him literally seeing red. He is out of control because someone else is in control.
And then one feeling comes in sharply, the tiny hand in his. He can see her beautiful, trusting face, looking up at him. Hikari. And his heart breaks. Because he is leading her to certain doom, as the whispering voice in his cyberbrain tells him. Taunts him. It is a doom that only her father could take her to.
As they sneak into the hospital, a resolute calm settles over Togusa. Because the voice begins to offer him a choice. To lose his daughter, or to lose himself. There's always a way out, ever-present, holstered at the small of his back. He feels his right arm move under his power this time.
"Listen, sweetheart. I need you to do something very important for Daddy. When Daddy lets go of your hand, you run away as fast as you can. ... And whatever you do, don't look back. Can you do it?"
Her look of trust. It never wavered, even then.
"This is goodbye, my angel."
Someone is screaming his name...?
-----
Togusa slams awake with his whole body jerking and shaking as if he is having a seizure. His throat is luckily so choked with horror that he doesn't let out the scream that he desperately wants to. Every nerve in his body is firing at once, convinced for some impossible length of time that he is dying.
He isn't even aware of himself breathing again until a cool hand settles on his forehead. Koutarou. There for him, as always. Koutarou drags him up to his own bed, and his best friend's calm and steady presence gives him something to hang on to, to remind himself of what is real. It's the only way he can get back to any sleep.
Koutarou also has to take the front line of dealing with the aftermath in the morning. Although he can't explain fully, Tougsa can find creative ways to bring up each one of his worries. He dreamed he was shot ("It's reasonable that's a fear of yours now, Hitori."), does that mean this is going to happen again? ("Maybe, but you also know a lot of officers who have retired peacefully.") Of course, he saw himself sacrificing himself for someone else ("You could certainly stand to be more selfish, but then again, if you were, you would not be Hitori.")
And, of course, that he saw he had a daughter. ("You still have time, and you would make the best father. If nearly dying urges you to speak up to someone that you like? It's still not worth it, but that's one silver lining.")
Maybe better than any words he gives, the fact that Togusa can still go to his best friend and find comfort is what calms Togusa back down. The two of them are able to move past it all and turn the morning into a leisurely breakfast, and eventually Togusa can depart with his head held high.
------
By the time he is ready to talk to anyone else, Koutarou has gotten Togusa out of crisis mode, so he is no longer desperate, but he knows that he has to talk this over with quite a few people. He knows how the other Togusa died. And it was in perhaps the most in-character way that he could imagine.
At last, he has gotten the answer to his biggest question about him: is the other Togusa a good man? He is. He can say that with certainty now. He just wished he could have figured it out before he saw this.
Phone calls or texts go out to those closest to him. Mariko, Tatsuo, Shuji, and others. In his haste, there is a good chance he will mess up and send a message to the wrong person on the app. He is feeling a little uncoordinated, like he hasn't totally settled back into his body after the dream.
And they still have a job to do with one of those things he found in the outer layer. Togusa has an odd idea on that front, but he needs the help of a few people when he goes back out there.
no subject
He wasn't depressed or even scared when he did it. He got backed into a corner where it was the only way out.
He was hacked, taken over, exactly what you've all been afraid would happen to me if I hooked up to the wrong thing. But it was his choice to end it. Because he would have done something horrible if he had let the person controlling him go on.
no subject
[But Shuji hopes Togusa never has to make that decision. Never.]
no subject
I can't-
I don't want to put this on some kind of a pedestal. There should have been another way out. It wasn't noble, I think it was exactly what the person controlling him was secretly hoping would happen. Maybe.
no subject
You're the person who told me that you would download all of that into your head even knowing that the effects on you might be catastrophic. Not the best solution, not a solution anyone wants, but brave.
no subject
She'd be gone. Forever. That's even worse than just her dying.
no subject
I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
no subject
Maybe accept my apology that I didn't understand what you were going through earlier?
no subject
no subject
It's not something that anyone would ever hope or expect. So, it's okay.
I never expected to know how it all ends. Is that strange?
no subject
Whether or not you believe in a hereafter, the fact is that no one living can experience the moment of death and come back to talk about it.
no subject
It's not quite experiencing death, now, isn't it? It still feels factual instead of really feeling what they felt. Which is a good thing for us. I don't know how well our minds would survive past knowing the reality of death.
no subject