recolle | Not So Solid State [Open]

Entry tags:

bungou to alchemist: osamu dazai

Not So Solid State [Open]

WHO: Togusa (guest starring Koutarou) and you
WHERE: Back in Recolle
WHEN: 3/14
WHAT: Togusa has gotten back his worst memory yet: he thinks he knows how the other Togusa died.
WARNINGS: Description and discussion of suicide and gun violence at minimum.
BACKGROUND MUSIC: https://youtu.be/AuWosgXzrs4

It was almost fate that the memory happened when it did. Togusa had come back from the outer layer, because world ending or not, identities being unwound or not, Togusa is spending his best friend's birthday at his side.
The two of them had a fantastic day. Togusa was able to keep Koutarou clear of the problematic art museum by taking him out for pottery painting, instead. They made a lovely set of teacups between the two of them, they'll each keep one of their own and one that the other painted. The evening was back to the atelier for what was supposed to be a movie but turned instead into a night of conversation until Togusa tucked himself up on the futon. Not just a relaxing day, one where Togusa could completely put down the concept of Retrospec, but a day that reminded Togusa of why he is doing this all.
-----
And then the nightmare came.
It almost felt like a dream, with the way that Togusa was so out of control of his own actions, but it had the sharpness of vision of a memory. And even his dreams could never duplicate the repeated error message in the corner of his vision, the warning bells that have him literally seeing red. He is out of control because someone else is in control.
And then one feeling comes in sharply, the tiny hand in his. He can see her beautiful, trusting face, looking up at him. Hikari. And his heart breaks. Because he is leading her to certain doom, as the whispering voice in his cyberbrain tells him. Taunts him. It is a doom that only her father could take her to.
As they sneak into the hospital, a resolute calm settles over Togusa. Because the voice begins to offer him a choice. To lose his daughter, or to lose himself. There's always a way out, ever-present, holstered at the small of his back. He feels his right arm move under his power this time.
"Listen, sweetheart. I need you to do something very important for Daddy. When Daddy lets go of your hand, you run away as fast as you can. ... And whatever you do, don't look back. Can you do it?"
Her look of trust. It never wavered, even then.
"This is goodbye, my angel."
Someone is screaming his name...?
-----
Togusa slams awake with his whole body jerking and shaking as if he is having a seizure. His throat is luckily so choked with horror that he doesn't let out the scream that he desperately wants to. Every nerve in his body is firing at once, convinced for some impossible length of time that he is dying.
He isn't even aware of himself breathing again until a cool hand settles on his forehead. Koutarou. There for him, as always. Koutarou drags him up to his own bed, and his best friend's calm and steady presence gives him something to hang on to, to remind himself of what is real. It's the only way he can get back to any sleep.
Koutarou also has to take the front line of dealing with the aftermath in the morning. Although he can't explain fully, Tougsa can find creative ways to bring up each one of his worries. He dreamed he was shot ("It's reasonable that's a fear of yours now, Hitori."), does that mean this is going to happen again? ("Maybe, but you also know a lot of officers who have retired peacefully.") Of course, he saw himself sacrificing himself for someone else ("You could certainly stand to be more selfish, but then again, if you were, you would not be Hitori.")
And, of course, that he saw he had a daughter. ("You still have time, and you would make the best father. If nearly dying urges you to speak up to someone that you like? It's still not worth it, but that's one silver lining.")
Maybe better than any words he gives, the fact that Togusa can still go to his best friend and find comfort is what calms Togusa back down. The two of them are able to move past it all and turn the morning into a leisurely breakfast, and eventually Togusa can depart with his head held high.
------

By the time he is ready to talk to anyone else, Koutarou has gotten Togusa out of crisis mode, so he is no longer desperate, but he knows that he has to talk this over with quite a few people. He knows how the other Togusa died. And it was in perhaps the most in-character way that he could imagine.

At last, he has gotten the answer to his biggest question about him: is the other Togusa a good man? He is. He can say that with certainty now. He just wished he could have figured it out before he saw this.

Phone calls or texts go out to those closest to him. Mariko, Tatsuo, Shuji, and others. In his haste, there is a good chance he will mess up and send a message to the wrong person on the app. He is feeling a little uncoordinated, like he hasn't totally settled back into his body after the dream.

And they still have a job to do with one of those things he found in the outer layer. Togusa has an odd idea on that front, but he needs the help of a few people when he goes back out there.

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[Tatsuo could text back... he's texted Togusa enough times with half-formed explanations. But he feels compelled to call instead.]

"Hey. I saw your text. Are you... okay?"

[A long, shaky breath in, on Togusa’s end of the phone. He can’t hide the slight tremble in his voice.]

“I’m really.. not. Where are you? I came back to the city, but I can head back out if it’ll be easier.”

[Someone hasn’t figured out that there are severe reception issues from the city to the layers and back.]

[Like Togusa answered Shuji's message when Shuji was in distress, Shuji will do the same. Unlike Togusa, he'll stick to text.]

Are you okay? What's going on?

[Oh boy... Tatsuo is really glad he called now.]

"No."

[Said a little quickly. He can't imagine Togusa heading back out to the sixth layer if he sounds like this.]

"I'm at my place. Came back to check on Yujirou. Neighbor boy is looking after him. Shall I head to your place? Or do you want to come here?"

I. I know you’re probably still busy. But I saw the worst memory yet.

I could sort of talk it out with Koutarou, call it just a dream. So he helped a lot.

But it’s real.

[He still feels like he'll pass out at any moment, but.]

Talk to me.

I know how the other Togusa dies. Or died. Or, whatever the timing on this is.

He's going to kill himself. But, it's complicated.

[Shuji's first thought: did I trigger this memory?

Then he remembers that Togusa is the one suffering here, not Shuji.]

I'm sorry. Remembering that is terrifying, complicated or not.

[A small heh of not-laughter.]

"Sorry I keep taking up Prompto for Daisuke."

"Let me head to you. I need to drop something off at my place first, but I'll be right there."

[When he arrives, Togusa still looks somewhat haggard, disorganized. And he has a rarely-seen overcoat on because he is just cold straight into his bones. It would take Tatsuo some extra time to pick up on another difference: Togusa has put the revolver back in the lock box and left it there. One of the first times he is walking around without it since he got the thing.]

[He nods gratefully when Tatsuo is there, but the movement is too tight, his smile can't reach his eyes.]

There you are, Hitori. Come in.

[Tatsuo waves his friend into his apartment. Togusa might notice an addition to Tatsuo's decor since he was last there, a painting hanging over his sofa. It adds a great deal of warmth to the room.]

Sit down. I was just making some tea.

[Yujirou exits Tatsuo's bedroom and heads straight to Togusa, tongue lolling as he presents himself for pets.]

[Yes. This is a tea and doggy conversation. Togusa slips off his shoes and hangs up his coat, only to replace it with the throw blanket on the couch, wrapping himself up. He pets the couch beside him, and up Yujirou comes, so Togusa can busy himself with petting the dog. He waits for Tatsuo to come back, trying to line up his words so that they'll make sense to someone other than himself.]

"I like the picture. Koutarou's tried out that style before."

[But it's not his work.]

[Another pet to Yujirou, and Togusa makes sure Tatsuo is fully in the room before dropping the bombshell.]

"I know how Togusa dies."

[Such a simple sentence, but the strain on his voice isn't simple at all.]

[Togusa would never point fingers or cast blame, given his own history with setting off memories in others. The both of them poke and prod at every detail of things, it's one reason they get along.]

He wasn't depressed or even scared when he did it. He got backed into a corner where it was the only way out.

He was hacked, taken over, exactly what you've all been afraid would happen to me if I hooked up to the wrong thing. But it was his choice to end it. Because he would have done something horrible if he had let the person controlling him go on.

He's a brave man, like you.

[But Shuji hopes Togusa never has to make that decision. Never.]

[Yujirou snuggles up to Togusa and rests his head right on his lap, able to sense in the way dogs can that something just isn't right.]

Someone on the network made it. It's a memory.

[Tatsuo carries over the two mugs of tea (sorry, bagged American brand green tea, he hasn't been over to Union Grocery this month) and sets them on the coffee table, just in time for Togusa's news.]

Damn.

[It feels like a punch to the gut, because Tatsuo knows from Togusa's voice that it definitely wasn't of old age. He sits down on Togusa's other side.]

What happened?

[Good dog, best dog, because Togusa keeps his eyes fixated on Yujirou and the almost automatic way he is petting the dog for a few seconds. His other hand fidgets, clenches, a thumbnail digging in to the side of his first finger. A vain attempt to keep tears from immediately springing up to his eyes. It doesn't work. When he raises his head again, there is wetness on the edges of his eyes.]

"They were going to take Hikari away."

[He almost can't continue after only revealing that. His hand clenches a little tighter as his throat tries to close up. Breathe. He forces a breath through and tries to steady himself.]

"Togusa was.. hacked. It's the exact thing, you know? That we've kept worrying would happen to me? They were just puppeting him. And nobody could tell. Least of all Hikari."

Brave?

I can't-

I don't want to put this on some kind of a pedestal. There should have been another way out. It wasn't noble, I think it was exactly what the person controlling him was secretly hoping would happen. Maybe.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't noble or the best solution. But it's brave. There are plenty of people who would be unable to do that even knowing that the alternative was. You're the person who told me that you would download all of that into your head even knowing that the effects on you might be catastrophic. Not the best solution, not a solution anyone wants, but brave.

[Tatsuo feels his mouth go dry. He can still remember how much Togusa hadd loved that little girl, so he can only imagine how much past!Togusa must have loved his daughter. How much Yuiko had loved the children in her care. He wraps an arm around Togusa's shoulders.

Yeah, he's been worried about how vulnerable Togusa is to getting hacked, but for his past life to have his daughter threatened through it... it's beyond cruel.]

If I've learned anything about him, he wouldn't have let them take her without a fight.

They were going to take Hikari. They were puppeting Togusa so that he would hand over his daughter to- to some group? And no one would suspect it. And afterwards they would wipe his memory so he would forget she even existed.

She'd be gone. Forever. That's even worse than just her dying.

I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

[He needs the arm around him, more than he can say out loud. Togusa finds himself leaning his head on Tatsuo's arm for that extra point of stability. He loved her. Togusa loved her.]

"There are moments that I forget. Or maybe I want to forget. And hold on to his memories of her as my own."

[His hand shakes on Yujirou, and he has to bury his fingers into Yujirou's fur to stabilize it.]

"She just trusted him, and followed him along, didn't know what was wrong. She'd do anything for him. He was going to turn her over to- have a cyberbrain installed. They needed to use his body for that. Specifically. Parental permission."

I just. I don't know. I don't know if there's anything that'll make this less.

Maybe accept my apology that I didn't understand what you were going through earlier?

Apology accepted. I'd have preferred if you never had to understand it, but unfortunately...

[Of course Hikari would trust her father. At any other time, by his side would be the safest place for her to be. Of course she would go wherever her father took her, no matter how unfamiliar. And all the while her father is being emotionally tortured.

But at the same time, Tatsuo feels like there's just... something so strange about this story. It's horrific, that someone would force a parent to do something to their child. But what for? The words tumble from his mouth as he tries to make sense of what Togusa is telling him.]

"But why her? Why Hikari? If they needed a child, they could have taken anyone's. Why go after the daughter of a man who works for a department like Section 9?"

[Unless... Tatsuo's throat tightens...]

"Unless they needed him to do something else. Voluntarily."

[shit]

[Glistening eyes look up at Tatsuo again. He gets it, but he doesn't want to. Even Togusa, he wishes that he didn't understand. He nods a little, but the movement is pained.]

"I think- he was on to them. Whatever they were doing. Their conversation, Togusa was already very savvy to what was going on. They'd done it to other children. But they-"

[Nope. Togusa stops again, swallows hard to try to keep himself talking. He has to get through this, even as the images flit through his mind, and the feeling of his daughter's hand in his overtakes even the feeling of Yujirou's fur under his fingers.]

"They gave him a choice. So, they gave him control of his right arm back. And they let him say goodbye to her. Lose her, or lose.. himself. There's no choice there."

[He pauses so long it might seem like he has to stop there. But there is zero strength to his voice when he continues, staring at his hand like he let go of something.]

"He told her to run and not look back. No matter what she heard. Because. She'd do anything for him."

[It makes sense. Someone starts sniffing around too close and they need to be dealt with. Normal threats wouldn't work on someone like Togusa, past or present. Threatening his own life would be useless. But his daughter? He would do anything for his daughter, even take himself out of the picture if it meant saving her.

Control of his right arm. Telling Hikari to run, ignore any sounds, and don't look back. Tatsuo can put the picture together and fingers tighten slightly on Togusa's shoulder.]

"He sacrificed himself."

[At first, Togusa can only nod, but he manages to choke the words out.]

"He killed himself."

[Togusa thought he was done crying, that he'd gotten it all out with Koutarou, but it starts up all over again. He lets go of Yujirou to clutch back at Tatsuo, the movement is automatic, unbidden, and he is a little sorry for it. But he needs something to hang on to.]

"They couldn't have her, couldn't let them get to her, she was going to be okay."

[As his head shakes back and forth in denial. It was worth it. It's a choice the both of them would have made, this Togusa and the other one. There are only a few moments where he can feel himself perfectly aligned with his other self, and this is one of them. Which is precisely the aspect that makes this whole memory all the more painful.]

[Tatsuo has no idea what he can even say at this point. He has questions, like where were past!Togusa's coworkers when this was happening? And did the hacker really leave Hikari alone? And even if they did... was she able to follow her father's instructions completely... or did she get scarred for life? But they're the sort of questions Togusa isn't going to have an answer for. And wondering about something he isn't going to be able to remember, ever, probably isn't going to help.]

I'm so sorry.

[He gives Togusa's shoulder another squeeze, letting the man lean into him. Yujirou sits up and shoves his snout in Togusa's face, licking his check, ear, jaw, whichever is easiest for him to reach. He really doesn't like all this sad talking going on.]

Togusa's life had other plans.

It's not something that anyone would ever hope or expect. So, it's okay.

I never expected to know how it all ends. Is that strange?

[Good dog, best dog, because Yujirou is helping. The little feelings help bring Togusa back from the brink, and as much as he needs to just collapse and cry for a few moments, he feels assured in doing so. Eventually, slowly, he raises his hand from Tatsuo, and gently pets Yujirou again.]

"Good boy."

[Togusa raises his head out of Tatsuo's shoulder, barely. Enough that he is no longer muffled.]

"I've been working so hard to find a way that we can choose, whether to embrace the people we're seeing, or to remain ourselves. But if it comes down to all or nothing. You know, don't you? That I have to choose to restore her world? That. Hikari's existence is more important. And she can't even exist without a father."

I don't think so. Whether or not you believe in a hereafter, the fact is that no one living can experience the moment of death and come back to talk about it.

[Darn right he's a Good Boy. Yujirou gives Togusa's face a last lick before settling back down to rest his head on the man's lap again. Tatsuo smiles slightly at his dog. Someone earned himself some extra treats tonight.]

I really hope it doesn't come to that... but, yeah, I understand.

[He doesn't really feel the same way about Ikuo's work, but this isn't about him. It's about Togusa and that little girl.]

I guess my real question is whether it was foolish to assume I was exempt from this, when so many other people were seeing this same thing.

It's not quite experiencing death, now, isn't it? It still feels factual instead of really feeling what they felt. Which is a good thing for us. I don't know how well our minds would survive past knowing the reality of death.

[Togusa pulls back to look at Tatsuo fully, shocked. He was actually surprised that Tatsuo is taking this idea so well.]

"I- I thought everybody would try to talk me out of that. I hadn't been able to tell anyone, but..Zee. He knew. I decided- Well I don't know how long ago I really decided it. But I know my mind is made up. So. I hope it doesn't come to that, either."

[He looks down again, but more of a shameful automatic reaction than truly trying to hide his face again.]

"Is it hypocritical of me? After all I've been saying about us being able to keep our lives here?"

I don't think it was foolish. Realistically you know you could remember just about anything, but it's impossible to really prepare yourself for everything. Even your super brain couldn't do it.

"Personally, I'd really rather you not. But it's not my decision to make. This is your past self's world, his daughter. That you would feel such a connection to her doesn't surprise me. You're a smart man, Hitori, but you also have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know."

Tatsuo will do his best to keep Togusa from doing anything foolhardy or reckless, but this decision don't fall under either of those (unlike plugging yourself into an eldritch horror, which falls under both).

"And no, it's not hypocritical. We're human. We're allowed to change our minds."

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Not So Solid State [Open]

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