recolle | Left-Behind Trace [Open]

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Left-Behind Trace [Open]

WHO: Togusa and people!
WHERE: The hospital, oops.
WHEN: January 7th and onwards.
WHAT: Togusa got shot, he's in the hospital, and finally knows how his Other got shot.
WARNINGS: Discussion of violence, medical treatment, and the like.

The news probably didn't take long to reach a lot of people. Togusa got brought to the hospital with a gunshot wound. Togusa's official story is that he got shot stopping an opportunistic mugger trying to steal things in the chaos of the fire. So what actually happened?

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James doesn't respond to that note about the mental discipline. He doesn't need to, and Togusa doesn't need to explain. They both know what it is, and they also both know Malik doesn't have it.

"So? What's it do? He said he could 'summon Ra' but I have no idea what that actually means."

Togusa spreads his hands out to the sides, indicating something large. "It's massive, a story tall, at least. This giant bird, but it's like it's made of metal. Storm clouds came from out of nowhere in the sky, and it called down lightning strikes everywhere." Togusa's voice sounds sufficiently awed.

"It was so loud and chaotic. But, it almost felt like, less controlled?" Because Malik doesn't have the mental discipline that they both do. So even an attack like that felt like it was coming from an untrained fighter, in a way.

He has to laugh, because good god. That's so overkill, what the hell! James thought Malik was being overkill with how maniacally dramatic he was when he described his power to him, but no, maybe that kind of grandeur was actually warranted.

(Not that he'd ever admit that to Malik.)

"So, what, this thing shows up, throws around some lightning, and bam, it's all over in just one attack?" James shakes his head. "Man, we really got screwed in the superpower lottery."

That finally gets a laugh, and Togusa raises a hand helplessly. "I know, right!? The cyberbrain's great, but I didn't know storm summoning was on the table!" He lets his hand plop back down to the bed.

"It was sustained, like it kept the storm going. The robots couldn't do anything about- Ra." Go ahead and say the bird's name. "But Malik would have been the weak link. Take him out, I assume the whole thing would have stopped."

"So you kept protecting him while he did his sky lightning god summoning thing to take out all the guards." James is pretty jealous of the superpowers, but man, unless you get defense capabilities with them, they're pretty useless. "Please tell me it was just the one shot." If Togusa took a second bullet for Malik, he'll...

James doesn't know what, really, but he'll be really mad at absolutely nothing he can blame.

"No no. Only the one." Togusa holds up his hand, palm out, shaking it back and forth. "Like I said, it was an accident. I just fucked up." With the uncertainty of a fire fight, Togusa hopes that James can understand. And although he did directly have to tackle Malik, he still sees it as screwing up instead of a sacrifice.

"We both kept to better cover while we took the rest of them out, then Malik let the bird go. The building they were guarding wasn't even really a building, it just held the key to get out."

Ah, right, the key(s). He nods. That explains that, then. He feels like he has a pretty good picture of what happened now. But...

James frowns. He's been noticing this tone in Togusa's voice for this entire visit that he's not quite sure what to think of. Togusa may say he fucked up, but to James it sounds like he just got unlucky. It's like...he keeps trying to minimize blame for something, or take it on himself. Like he's trying to do PR, or damage control or something. To James, of all people.

He crosses his arms. "What do you think I'm so mad about?" He may look a little angry, the way he's frowning, but he's asking in genuine confusion.

"That I got hurt and Malik got out without a scratch," Togusa finally blurts out in frustration. He sighs deeply and looks down. "Not quite true, he did get a bonk on the head, but I got hurt protecting him. I had to get him out of the line of fire, because- fuck." He looks back up at James. "He doesn't know what to do in a firefight, and he damn well shouldn't have to."

His hand clenches at the blanket covering him, unsure of what else to do with it to ease the tension. "Would have figured that would make you angry."

James is still, frankly, uncomfortable with watching Togusa telegraph his uncertainty and nervousness so blatantly to him. It's so different to the more stern and confident attitude he's used to from him.

"Well, I was gonna be angry because I figured you did something really stupid to get yourself shot. But hearing what happened...I get it. Either you got shot, or Malik or maybe even the both of you got killed. This was the better move."

Togusa hesitates, because when he watches James' reaction, a thought filters into his mind from out of nowhere. Normally, he'd be more cautious, but maybe his caution has been tapped out trying to find a gentle way to tell James he had been shot for Malik. So the words just spill out.

"Have you forgiven him?" Even Togusa blinks at those words.

"Not saying you need to," he makes sure to clarify. "But." It sounds like he has.

Well. This hardly seems like the time to be discussing this, considering Togusa has been shot, but it was bound to come up eventually, he supposes.

James shrugs and averts his gaze towards the foot of Togusa's bed.

"I kind of had to, didn't I? Because it's not like I'm any different myself. If he doesn't deserve forgiveness for something he did under something else's control...then neither do I." James isn't totally sure he does deserve forgiveness sometimes, really, but he also knows Malik isn't sure all the time either. So. He figures it about evens out.

Togusa immediately feels bad for putting James on the spot, but his brow wrinkles tightly. It wasn't quite the answer he was looking for, or the question he was really asking.

"I'm not asking about his deserving. It's-" how to put it?

"I'm asking if you are truly ready to forgive him. That's what surprised me. You can logic it as much as you like, and still not actually be ready, emotionally. You shouldn't force yourself to do it, if you don't feel it. It's not about taking the burden off his shoulders, but about you taking a step in healing."

That Togusa is questioning him on this makes him frown a little.

"Yeah. I am. Because it wasn't him. Whoever the other guy in his head is, he's the one I have a problem with."

Because if Malik is at fault for the asshole in his head, then it means James is just as irredeemable as the Winter Soldier, or whatever weird half-version of him was running around the city all summer. In James's head, forgiving Malik and forgiving himself (at least enough to live with himself) are inextricably linked. They're too similar--there can't be one without the other, and vice versa. So he has to forgive him.

(Even though he still wallows in guilt sometimes anyway.)

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