i must confess that i feel like a monster

[frostythehitman]

WHO: James Barnes and YOU!
WHERE: the prison
WHEN: all of October
WHAT: catchall log for anyone who may want to visit James in prison!
WARNINGS: weird monster shit going on in the background


[ For all the craziness happening this month, at least the process of visiting James is pretty consistent--show up to the prison, take a visitor's slot, go through all the security checks, then get whisked into a guarded room to be seated at one of the tables. And then, a few minutes later, James will walk in from one of the other doors and take a seat on the other side of the table, wearing his prison best: the plain-looking khaki outfit. For a falsely convicted murderer serving a 15 year sentence (and for, y'know, being James Barnes), he looks remarkably calm.

But as the month wears on, some visitors may notice that he's starting to look or act a little strangely... ]

(( Please note what date your visits are, so I can gauge when he gets infected/how infected he'll be at any given visit! ))

Comments

[frostythehitman]

No. I don't--[ he sighs too. ] I don't know if Retrospec is actively trying to ruin our lives or not. And not knowing that for sure is enough reason for me to not want to hurt them. At least, not any more.

And you're ruining the fun for yourself. You're the one who thought it was funny, that has nothing to do with me. So if you don't like it anymore, that's on you.

[godcards]

Retrospec is trying to ruin our lives. Don't get me wrong, it's better you than me that's in here, but you could have at least committed to the murder if you were going to go that route. Retrospec doesn't care about you. Zee didn't care about you. They're never going to stop interfering until they're destroyed. If you hadn't have gotten caught, I could have said you were doing everyone a service. Well, almost...

[frostythehitman]

And if I had killed Zee, you think that would've stopped them? Do you really think that would've changed anything?

[godcards]

Might've made you feel better.

[ Half shrug. ]

[frostythehitman]

Did you, last year?

[godcards]

[ Ah. Can't say he wasn't expecting that one. He reclines in his seat a little. ]

No comment.

[frostythehitman]

[ He watches Malik, looking for...he's not sure what. It's not surprising in hindsight, he supposes, that he wouldn't answer that question. ]

Well, I haven't seen you go after any Retrospec employees. Why not?

[ He remembers making hypothetical plans with Malik to do so a few months ago, at least, in that weird...dream-thing. He's pretty sure that it actually was him and not some dream version of him that he was talking to. ]

[godcards]

I'm not so stupid to go after anyone in a high-profile position. Not directly... Or else I'd end up like you. I already have people who are clamoring to see me put away in here, and for something far less than murder. Nice try.

[ He could argue his typical points of how that wasn't really him last year, except that it kinda was, if you look at the DNA and witness testimony and what his therapist said about his alter still technically being him. Still, Malik has a hard time accepting that as a truth, given his lack of control during the whole thing. He liked more small-scale crimes like malicious mischief and larceny. ]

[frostythehitman]

Yeah, right. I'm only in here because I turned myself in--no one knew what I did until I said something. And we still don't know who killed Zee.

So what's keeping you from it, really?

[ He's pressing on this partially to debunk Malik's argument, and partially to figure out why he's been so much less of an actively violent douchebag since...since their last argument, he supposes. ]

[godcards]

[ Malik scowls, unhappy that James won't just let this one be. It's unsurprising, but still annoying. ]

It's just as I said. You choosing not to believe me doesn't make it any less true.

[ Well, sort of. Malik is still a liar, and while on the surface that story is mostly true, he's also been struggling for the last year ever since he had to face the consequences of his actions. Even then, he knows he got off light, but he still had to deal with a lot of personal fallout and mandated therapy, which forced him to shift his perspective a little bit. He's not cured and he's still not a good person, not by a long shot, but he is at the very least less outwardly aggressive and violent. ]

[frostythehitman]

[ He keeps watching Malik, as if he's somehow going to divine the true answer from his body language or expression, but, of course, he does not. So he finally shrugs. ]

Alright, fine.

The point is, actions have consequences. And I got sick of dodging mine. If you got arrested for--you know [ he waves his hand vaguely ]--then I ought to be arrested for what I did.

[godcards]

But you said you didn't do it? The least you could do is keep your story straight.

[ Yeah he's being a selective asshole but, what else is new. ]

...And I got arrested for what he did, there's a difference.

[frostythehitman]

I didn't kill him, but I still tried--I still hurt him.

[ James doesn't dispute Malik's comment about whoever "he" is. He remembers that weird shared dream thing, with the smug, nasty version of Malik. Well--more smug, nastier. But it does give him pause now, because suddenly, it feels like whoever Malik's "him" is, he's not that much different to the Winter Soldier that James remembers. He opens his mouth, trying to find the right words. ]

...Do you think it was the right move to arrest you for what he did?

[godcards]

[ This gives Malik pause. Real pause, because he's never had to think about this question before in this context. It was, and always has been, a very black and white issue in his mind, as he kept his alternate identity separated out as its own entity. And yet... ]

If you want to get technical, you can't really arrest one without the other. Even if he had still been around and was arrested instead of me, it's still my body. I just happened to have some awareness when it happened, but it would have happened either way.

[frostythehitman]

[ So, a lot like the mind control defense that was used in Bucky's trial, then. ]

Okay, fine, technically, sure. But you're not answering me. Do you think it was right? You're the one who served the sentence, after all, not him.

[godcards]

[ Malik draws his mouth into a tight line, his jaw set. He knows what the answer should be, what is expected of him; but he still has a lot of progress to make and a lot of hard feelings on the matter. ]

No.

[frostythehitman]

[ Yeah that's not really surprising. But he still had to ask--just to get that confirmation. ]

What do you think should have been done?

[godcards]

I think Retrospec should have taken responsibility for it. They just run and hide any time anything goes wrong, so I can't say I'm surprised... But if they didn't want that to happen, they shouldn't have given him back to me.

[frostythehitman]

So....what, you'd want the Retrospec employees to be arrested, or put on trial or something?

[ What, exactly, does "Retrospec should have taken responsibility" mean here? ]

[godcards]

I don’t see why not! They’re just as guilty! [ HE SO MAD ] They’re involved in everything bad that happens, everyone knows it, but they’re allowed to hide! They’re allowed to give back whatever they want that others don’t want! It’s their fault!

[ Security isn’t really fond of Malik right now, surely ]

[frostythehitman]

[ The guards glare at Malik and one goes so far as to shout "keep it down!" at him. They will not allow a mockery to be made of their visitation room, thank you very much.

James, on the other hand, just makes a humming noise in acknowledgement and stares at the table.

After a few moments of silence, eyes still focused on the table rather than at Malik, he talks. ]

You know, it turns out other-me or past-me--whatever we're calling them now--wasn't a great guy either. I thought I was remembering two separate guys for a while--the first guy was this great, big hero. The other was an assassin who didn't care about anything except who he had to kill, and the best way to do it. He killed a lot of people, including innocent civilians. And it never bothered him at all.

Turns out, they were the same guy. That hero got kidnapped and had his head messed with until he could have a friendly beer with a guy and then turn around and blow him up five minutes later.

Eventually, people found out who he was and he got put on trial for all the murders. The defense said that I shouldn't be convicted because I couldn't control what I did when I was all brainwashed--they said that I was just as much a victim as any of the actual victims. It almost worked, too--but then I pleaded guilty instead. At the end of the day, those people still got hurt or killed by my hands. And no one else was gonna own up to it. So I did. He did, I mean.

[ He's partially saying this as a rebuttal to Malik's outburst. But he's also saying this in part because he just needs to air it out--especially to Malik. James spent so long giving him shit for the things outside his control that he now feels he owes it to him to say that he isn't any better. They're both rotten. ]

[godcards]

[ Malik’s breathing is shaky, his bottom lip wobbling, but his gaze is steady. His entire being is steady. He’s clearly upset, although there wasn’t any particular point in James’ story that tipped him in that direction. ]

No matter how you feel about it, I can’t accept responsibility for what someone else did. I didn’t ask for my memories, I don’t want my memories. I want no part in this, but here we are.

[frostythehitman]

[ He doesn't know what kind of reaction he expected from Malik. Maybe no reaction at all. He didn't expect whatever this is--something that sounds and even looks like he's distressed, but at the same time, solid and unmoving as a rock. He doesn't know what that means. He's not sure it even matters--he said what he had to said, and Malik can think whatever he likes about it, he supposes.

Eventually he shifts his shrug in something approximating a nod. Indeed, here we are. ]

So what are you going to do about it?

[godcards]

I just have to live like this. [ He’s aggravated, but there’s no denying how defeated he sounds. ] If I lose control again, I’m going to prison. That’s the reality of my situation.

[ He hates it so much, but in a way, he’s resigned. His methods are ineffectual, and he’s been about as productive as a rabid animal. He won’t say it out loud, but he knows. ]

[frostythehitman]

[ He nods. That's about the best they can hope for, isn't it? And imprisonment is the punishment that awaits them. Or, well, awaits Malik, because James is already here. ]

It doesn't matter if it "isn't you", or you were being controlled, or whatever--at the end of the day it's your hands hurt someone, so you're the one who has to pay for it.

[ He breathes in deeply and sighs, crossing his arms. ]

It sucks, but...that's how it is. Or else you're just the partner in crime to the shittier version of you.

[ When he says "you," he means it generally, including himself in it. But it's odd to realize that he's already accepted as much, and Malik seems resigned to it himself. (It's odd to think that they aren't at each other's throats at all right now.) ]