recolle | coursing through your souls [closed]

[At least this time, she can prepare for it. Jasmine was the only one she could ask for help when it happened, and with Clover, she'd had no idea that she was coming over. It should be easier this time around, all things considered.

That's what she tells herself, but she still feels something drop in the pit of her stomach when she hears Lina's voice. There isn't a lot that can really make her nervous these days, usually. Who would've guessed losing an eye to a flower would do the trick.

She takes a few deep breaths before heading to the door, finally opening it.]

And what makes you so sure about that, huh? [Her tone is casual, but there's no ignoring the big, pale pink flower that's in the spot where her right eye should be. It would be pretty if not for where it is.]

[Lina's eyes are closed and she's smiling when she hears Rose open the door, and she almost has a smart reply for her until her eyes open and she kind of... her excitement doesn't drain, but the sight is like her emotions being plunged in ice water.]

[she settles back off her tiptoes and lowers the box, and she's trying very, very hard not to be too shocked to say anything, but this is the first time she's seen her sister in so long and the first major change she's seen in anybody, presumably because of the app. she can't hide how wide her eyes go no matter how much she tries, and her free arm tenses up as she forces herself not to put a hand to her mouth.]

Oh my gosh, Rose... [she doesn't know what to say. does it hurt? does she still have an eye under it? how long has it been like that, is it doing anything to her, does she think it's going to happen to the rest of them? but... well, before anything, they should probably go inside, right?]

I think I need to sit down.

[That's probably kind of reaction she can hope for. After all these months, she's... more or less adjusted to strangers staring. Sort of. She has a plan for that at least, but she hates having to worry her sisters over and over with this. It doesn't help that there isn't actually anything she can say or do to ease those worries.

After all, she still has no real idea what this flower means either.]

Yeah, come in.

[She takes the box from Lina, just in case it slipped from her fingers entirely, and closes the door behind them before heading to the kitchen. Her apartment isn't the neatest, but it's not a total mess either, which is probably what you'd expect from Rose anyways. (Although she did make sure to at least clean up the kitchen knowing Lina would be coming over.)

There's a small table with some chairs, and she pulls out one of them for her sister before setting the box on the table. For now, she stays standing; she's already sure she wouldn't be able to sit still talking about this.]

... Well, now you know why I didn't want to see you.

[Lina gives herself a long moment to think about the first question she's going to ask once she's sitting down and actually ready to speak again. there are so many to pick from, after all. as many questions as there are flowers, just waiting to be picked from the field and placed out there for everyone to see. this is really the time her brain is going to try for that sort of language?]

[she settles down in the offered chair and looks down at her feet for a moment as the words struggle to come to her. she's very aware that Rose isn't sitting down for this, but, well, who could blame her? for Lina this is the first time she's seeing it and of course it's a surprise, but Rose has always been... stronger, more resilient, ready to take what life throws at her and make it her own. and she's clearly been living with this flower for a while.]

[the first question that parts Lina's lips, then, might be a surprise.]

Does it hurt? [she looks upward finally, forcing herself to look at her sister's face.] Can I do anything to help?

[She shrugs easily at the first question.] Not really. It used to, but it's fine now.

[Which is a bit of a lie. She's gotten used to the dull ache of it now, and painkillers do wonders if it gets bad, but saying it doesn't hurt at all, well. That's just not true. She just doesn't see the point in telling her sisters that when none of them can fix it. It would only worry them more.]

And no. I don't think so. [Still, it doesn't mean she actually likes telling Lina that. Months and months have passed with this, but she's still not sure what she can do about it. What anyone could could do about it.]

[somehow she expected the first answer less than the second. it seems so strange, but she supposes that after a long enough exposure to something, anything has to dull over time... right? that's not a happy thought. and there's an equally unhappy thought on the horizon, and again, before Lina can stop herself, the words come out.]

Do we have those inside of us, too?

[it's a strange choice of words and she knows it, but she doesn't know how else to put it yet. she hasn't figured out the vocabulary behind being part of the app. she just wants to know how much she should brace herself, if she can't do anything to help Rose. which she refuses to believe, by the way—they just haven't figured out how yet.]

[You're the monster who made the Intoners in the first place!

She still doesn't know what that means. There isn't even any guarantee that the flower in her eye is connected to Intoners, whatever they are.

But Zero had the flower. And Zero made the Intoners, according to One.

And for all that Rose might avoid saying the truth, lying straight to her sisters' faces has never been easy. She doesn't think this is something she can afford to lie about. To begin with, she doesn't even know enough to say whether or not what she thinks is right.]

—Honestly, I don't know. I don't think so, but... [The memories she has are sporadic and incomplete. Who knows what she hasn't remembered yet?]

[but there's no way to tell. Lina nods quietly, having apparently left her bubbly demeanor at the door. she has to trust Rose, because it's literally written all over her face. and their other sisters were being incredibly serious about it, too. Jasmine even agreed to Lina's most long-standing and difficult demand when this all started coming up.]

I know you might not want to, but please. Be honest with me, Rose.

[there's no reason to believe Rose has been anything but. Lina inhales, trying not to wring her hands too much, knotted together as they are in her lap. when she looks up, her brow is furrowed but her voice isn't shaking in the slightest.]

What happens? To you. To us, in our other lives.

[She folds her arms, hands balled into fists. It's not that the question upsets her; it's only natural Lina would want to know. No, what's frustrating is just how little she knows. Frankly, she's afraid to remember any more than she already has. What she's seen doesn't paint a pretty picture. Still, for better or worse, she wants to be—prepared. Prepared for what, she doesn't know, but the fact that it can affect her sisters means she wants to be ready.

Despite all that though, what little she knows still isn't easy to say.]

... We fight. That's all I really know. [Which is honestly already more than she's said to anyone else. Family fighting might be normal, but from her tone, it's obvious that this isn't just any kind of fighting. I try to kill you, would be more forthcoming. I probably kill you, is what she tries to avoid thinking about.] Jasmine or Clover might know more.

[yeah. she immediately gets the idea that this is bigger than a normal fight. weapons might be involved. malicious intent. death. it's a lot of things that Lina doesn't like thinking about even conceptually, but to know that it's... well, it's looming in her future, to put it bluntly, isn't settling right with her.]

[her body shrinks on itself just a little as her arms cross in front of herself, holding her own sides. like that's going to guard her from reality. she takes a few breaths to try to calm herself down; she has no reason not to trust Rose, but she still doesn't want to believe any of that.]

Jasmine... [she starts hesitantly, knowing what weight that name carries here.] Jasmine wanted to tell me these things in person, and said that maybe Clover could be there, too. And I told her I didn't want to do anything without you there, and she... agreed. [she looks off to the side, trying not to think of the pit that sank so deep in her stomach when she'd read that message.]

If it's something that would make Jasmine agree to talk to you, after everything else I've tried, I knew it had to be serious. [when she looks back up at Rose, she has the weakest, tiniest grin on her face. because that's the funny thing here, right? that she's still judging all these things based on how her sisters react to them.] I just never knew how serious.

[Her eye widens, and there's no denying the surprise on her face. But if she thinks about it, well... Maybe it isn't so surprising. Things are that serious. She and Jasmine can't always put their fighting aside for their sisters' sakes, but they try to. A talk, at the very least, is something they can try to do for Lina.

Of course it's only for something this awful and terrible that they can even consider getting together. Not for the first time, Rose thinks part of why she hates Retrospec so much is for reminding her just how in shambles her family was to begin with.]

That's a good idea though. Nice job getting me in there. [She tries for a smile back, only half-joking. As serious as things are, she knows there's a reason she and Jasmine haven't talked about what they've remembered. It's hard to tell if her little sister would want to see her about this.]

Thanks.

[it's more or less the reaction she expected, but it doesn't feel great to have something that she was content treating like a really dark joke get such a clear confirmation that yes, yes, something is going to go very wrong in the future for, well, all of them. and there's nothing that can really be done to stop it.]

You know I love you, Rose. I don't want you to be excluded from things this important. [there's no sense not being honest.] Even if I'm getting the feeling that all of you wanted me to be... not part of this for as long as possible.

I wish I knew why I suddenly got it. I wish I had that answer for you, if I can't give you any other answers.

It's not like it's your fault that you don't know.

[All of them wish they know why and how Retrospec was given, but like so many things, it's just out of their control. As much as it frustrates her, she's not going to blame Lina for not having an answer.

Even if, yeah, she wishes Lina had never gotten this. She's not sure how she'd feel about losing Retrospec herself at this point, but she doesn't want to scare her any more than she already has. Rose hasn't remembered much about Lina—about Two—and she used to think that was for the better. Now, she can only worry about whatever it is that Zero does to Two, and she has no idea what it might be.]

So don't worry about that.

You're right.

[but she doesn't say it with her same typical resolve when that sentence usually comes out. this is frightening in ways that she never could have conceived.]

If I remember anything about you that you don't already know, I'll let you know. I don't want to keep secrets from you or from any of us. [of course, she doesn't expect the others to do the same. they're their own people. they play things closer to the chest, and they're allowed to, obviously. it's their choice. she glances up at Rose and starts talking again, more quietly.]

Everybody keeps talking like whatever's going to happen is going to tear us apart, but I don't think it has to be like that. I think we can come together again and be stronger than whatever happens. [and her head tilts back down towards her lap.] ...But maybe I'm just being naïve again.

[Not for the first time, she wishes she could think more like her little sister. How Lina has managed to remain so honest and open and optimistic after everything is something she'll never quite understand, but she's glad for it. She only hopes those traits don't make things like Retrospec harder to deal with.

Even though ultimately, she knows she can't be like that. She hasn't remembered much about Zero's relationship with "Two," but whatever it is, she's sure she won't want to tell Lina anything about it herself.]

Someone here ought to be a little optimistic about things. [It sounds like a joke, but she's serious about it. From what she's remembered, she doesn't know if she could believe that like Lina does. Still, she wants to, and she pats Lina's head affectionately.] I just hope you're right.

[it's not great. it's not healthy, how she does this, but she knows—she's known for years that Rose is right and someone needs to be optimistic. even in the darkest times. she needs to be a source of light for everybody around her, and if she burns herself out, she just needs to fix it on her own, in the dark, before people need her again. that's just... how it is.]

I'm going to work as hard as I can to make it right. These other people... aren't us, and they can't change that we're all family and have been for longer than they existed. [now she has conviction back in her voice. she's been working with Clover to save this family, and she'll keep working. even if she's the only one who thinks something can be done. her fists close at her sides.]

I promise it's going to be okay. I promise.

[She nods, even if all she can think about is even if it can't change the fact that they're family, it sure made the cracks between them even bigger. All she wants is for Lina to be right, for things to be okay in the end.

More than that though, she wants her sisters to be okay. To be alive and safe and well. The more she remembers though, she's not sure if her family being safe can still include her in the picture.]

I know. I won't let anything happen to you guys. [That's not a promise she can keep, no matter how much she wishes she could, but when has that stopped her from trying before?]

[and it's definitely her naïveté speaking right now, but there are so many things Lina doesn't know and maybe she's allowing herself to be idealistic on top of the optimism. she meets eyes (well, eye) with Rose.]

And we won't let anything happen to you. You brought us together, Rose. You made us family in the first place. We're not going to give up on you.

[and that's when she gets to her feet and comes in close to try to pull her sister into a hug. she doesn't know how long Rose will let it go on or if she'll even let it get that far, but Lina needs some way to get these emotions out.]

[Maybe you should. But she can't bring herself to say it, even if it's the first thing that comes to mind. She might not actually be Zero (she can't be Zero, she can't), yet she can't forget what it felt like to try and kill her sisters. There wasn't even a shred of anger or hurt, nothing but sheer apathy, like it didn't even matter. Like hurting her family was as normal as breathing.

Even if Lina hasn't, maybe Jasmine was right to give up on her. To treat her like a lost cause. She definitely feels like one now.

Still, it sounds nice. It's nice to think that her family won't actually give up on her when they should. It means more to her than she knows how to express, so she drags in a shuddering breath and hugs Lina right back.]

Thanks, Lina. I know you won't. [I hope you won't.]

No matter what.

[she hasn't yet figured out how important those three words are going to become to her, but she says them quietly to Rose all the same. she doesn't want to overstay her welcome with the hug, so with a final squeeze she pulls back, but keeps one hand on Rose's shoulder for a little longer.]

I hope you know that I'm just going to be working harder to make more things for you to enjoy. I'm not going to stop until I see you smile again.

[and she means that as much as she's meant everything else here. of course she does. Lina has never been anything but absolutely sincere, or at least that's what she likes to tell herself. her hand drops, and she punctuates that sentence with a bright smile of her own. it might be a little forced as everything else runs through the back of her mind at once.]

It's not like I've stopped smiling, y'know.

[She grins, although it's a little tired and doesn't quite reach her eyes. Rose thinks she hasn't let this completely take over her life, as bad as it is. She still goes out, still has fun, still enjoys herself when she does. It just usually takes her a few strong drinks before she can get herself to stop thinking about everything that's going on, and then it all comes back at night in her dreams, nightmares anyways.

But, well. That's her own problem as far as she's concerned, and nothing she needs to trouble her sisters over. She's made it this far dealing with her problems without making her family handle it for her. She has no intention of starting now either.]

You don't need to push yourself so hard either, seriously. I'll live buying things from a bakery every now and then.

I know.

[she does. but this is all she can do for now, and all she thinks she's ever going to be able to do. it doesn't seem like this family, like she is going to be remembering anything helpful. anything that's going to make life better for herself or for anyone.]

But you know I'm going to do it anyway! If this is what you're living with now, I need to make sure you have a lot of other good things to look forward to.

[she's being sincere, and trying to do it without sounding condescending, and it's weird how she wasn't worried about that until she joined the app and realized things were so much different than what she knew. like becoming old enough to learn all the family secrets.]

It's something I can do for you that I'm good at and that I know helps. Until I learn more about whatever is happening with all of us, this is how I'm going to help all of you.

Yeah, you're gonna do it anyways, and I'm gonna have to nag you a million times like an old lady to take it easy every once in a while.

[Honestly, why is most of her family always so stubborn when they don't need to be!! She gives out an exaggerated sigh like this is so much trouble, but she honestly doesn't mind. Frankly, she's missed being able to talk to Lina like this.]

But you know it goes both ways, right? Let us know if you need help with something too.

[because they love you, Rose!! or at least that's Lina's reasoning. she couldn't speak for the others if she tried. but she seems satisfied by all this, because she knows Rose and she knows Rose cares.]

I will. Promise.

[as long as it's not anything complicated, like how she still sometimes feels like she forfeited her right to be part of this family when she got adopted and any problems that that might end up causing. ha! weird. but that would never come up.]

We're all in this together, and everything's going to turn out okay.

[You can't be a Geteilt unless you're suppressing every deeper issue until it's too late!!]

Together, huh? [She has her doubts about that personally, but in Lina's case, it's true enough. Her own relationship with Jasmine aside, she knows they'll all be here for Lina.] But alright, I think that's enough of that for now. Why don't you catch me up on what you've been up to?

[She takes a seat finally, smiling faintly. It's been a while since she's talked to her in general after all. Even if she'd never admit it, Rose appreciates knowing that her family's doing well.]

[right. Rose said she'd wanted to talk about this. even though Lina doesn't have a lot going on that's interesting, and her initial worries about how every single one of her sisters told her in some way or another that they wished she'd never gotten this app haven't blossomed into anything destructive yet.]

Well, I'm coming up on the end of this semester and I learned a lot of new, complicated techniques. [she already seems like she's relaxing.] I'm going to have Clover try one of my terrines to see how that works out—oh! And I think I'm finally making puff pastry consistently. I'll want your opinion on that, though.

[she feels like she's making actual progress, and she's really... really proud of herself for that.]

Everyone at the orphanage really likes the food I've been making for them, too. Their tastes are a little different, but I think they just appreciate that someone's willing to come in and help.

I bet. Can you imagine if there were people like you stopping by back when we were all there? [She probably would've grown up into a better person honestly, but she knows there's a time and place for her self-deprecating humor, and now's not one of them.] They must love you there.

And you know I'm never gonna say no to free food from you. [And free food in general, but anyways.] Just bring it over whenever you want. Knowing you though, I'm sure your puff pastry game is perfectly fine.

[It's really been a while since she's been able to talk to... Anyone like this. She almost feels nostalgic. This is supposed to be something easy they can talk about though, so she tries not to think too hard about it. But there's no denying the warmth and even slight pride in her voice. Rose may not have any real idea when it comes to cooking and baking, but if Lina sounds proud of herself for making progress, then she is too.]

[yeah. this is nice, to be able to talk to her older sister like nothing's really changed. she knows it's temporary, but she'll take what she can get while she can get it. if everything really is this serious... she doesn't know how much time she has to still be normal.]

I must be doing something right or they wouldn't keep asking me to come back! [she gives a small smile and a quiet giggle.] I'm thinking about working there full-time once I'm out of college next year. I think it'll really help all the kids there to have somebody who went through the system just like them. [remember optimism? remember how that's still a thing she has? weird.]

Of course, it doesn't have to be just me. They could look up to any of us like that. Like you! They can learn about how important it is to make your own family from you. [she knows she's glossing over a lot of very complicated things with that, but she's definitely speaking before she thinks—and she cuts herself off to correct herself.]

What I mean is that I wouldn't be who I am today if I weren't for you. I don't want to be Carmelina Cantor. [she says it with some exaggerated twisted expression on her face.] You made me a Geteilt and I'll always be proud to be a Geteilt.

[That makes one of us at least. To be fair, she doesn't know how the others feel about it. How did they all end up deciding to go with her last name? She can't remember anymore. Before she knew it, she made them all her sisters, her responsibility.

"Made them." This is more metaphorical, but maybe some things don't change even between lives.

Of course, she doesn't say any of that. At the end of the day, it makes her happy to hear Lina say that, even if it makes her just as sad, and she her smile widens despite it.]

You can be whoever you wanna be, I definitely won't be the one to argue on that. Although I gotta say, Lina Geteilt definitely sounds better than "Carmelina Cantor." [She says it back with just as much exaggeration.]

But if you do decide to work there full-time, I'm sure you'll do great there. Bet they'd even be happier at getting to keep you around all the time. [And here, her smile turns somewhat rueful.] I don't think I could be much help though. Actually, I'm pretty sure the staff would shoo me out the moment they saw me.

[She thinks they all but celebrated when she finally aged out. In some ways, she doesn't blame them; she was hell to have around as a kid, and she knows it. Still, it's no wonder she still doesn't like authority.]

Edited 2018-05-21 10:01 (UTC)

[she loves her adoptive parents just as much as she does her sisters. they've taught her a lot of things, they've given her the idea to one day unite all her sisters at seder, and they've helped her follow her dream to become a professional chef. but she's a Geteilt through and through, and hearing Rose give her "real" name the same tone she gave it herself gets a giggle before she listens to the rest.]

Maybe they would. [there's no laugh there; they probably would, for all of the reasons she knew she'd ignored.] But you'll be there in spirit. And if you want, and all this works out, I can keep you updated on everyone. I know I'm more the motherly type to all of the kids—[and she does interrupt herself with a small laugh there]—but I can still gossip about the adults like the sisters we are.

[she's trying her best to sound as scandalous as possible, and it's only partially performative. does she know whether it'll work? no idea. but she likes giving her sisters reasons to smile, and if it means acting a little silly like this, she'll do it.]

[There's a small huff of laughter, but it's there. She thinks Lina is too sweet to really gossip about the adults, knows that she'd hold back most of her own snide remarks even if Lina really tried. Her tongue's always been too sharp. But it's a funny thought all the same. It's nice, and don't they deserve to indulge in something nice while they can?]

Oh yeah, I'd love to hear all about that. [A pause, and then:] But y'know to those kids, you're gonna be one of the "adults" too.

Oh my gosh, I can't imagine what kind of stories they're telling about me.

[she can, but only because she's definitely overheard them a couple times. they're not at all grounded in reality, and thinking about them makes Lina smile much more genuinely. she feels comfortable right now, in the conversation and in the thoughts she's having, and it's almost enough to get her to forget that her sister has a flower growing from her face that probably means she's in constant pain.]

[well, that smile was short-lived.]

You know, Rose, I'm kind of surprised you're just letting me talk about the orphanage so much. [even though she hasn't really said much about it.] I didn't think you cared very much about what was happening there anymore. Is it just because it's important to me?

What, I like hearing about the kids at least. [Which is honestly true. She doesn't visit for a lot of reasons, but she does like to know if kids there now have it better than when they were all stuck there. With Lina coming by though, she imagines it has to be.] And if you come in with gossip about the rest of the workers, I'll be happy to hear about that part of the orphanage too.

[But yeah, the most important reason here is because it's important to Lina and she wants to talk about it. Shhh, don't call her out on being a secret softie for her family, okay!! (Even if everyone already knows.)]

[it's one of the worst-kept secrets of the Geteilts. for now. until Lina starts running her fucking mouth, but there's still a few weeks before that happens so it's probably fine.]

They might just like seeing me come around, but... they really do seem like they're better off these days. There's a lot more smiles and I always do my best to make sure their faces are as full as their stomachs. [she could make something that's fast and fills stomachs but isn't very nutritious, but why would she? she always, always, always has the time to make sure the orphans are well-fed. oh, she's smiling again! that's good, at least.]

Maybe I can start telling them stories about my cool, confident big sister. I'll just have to pick the ones that are actually appropriate for them to hear about. [she closes her eyes while still smiling and gives a tiny giggle.] That's going to be the hardest part.

[There's something desperately reassuring to know that Rose can still make Lina smile. Maybe this is kind of cheating when this little sister in particular is easy to please, but she'll take what she can get at this point. In her mind, this is probably as close as she'll ever get to making her family happy.]

Do you have any stories that would be appropriate for them to hear? [GOSH ROSE DON'T BE PROUD OF YOUR DELINQUENCY. But she smiles wider, obviously having a bit of fun.]

[don't worry, Rose's inner thoughts, this is why Lina's here to make everything better and bring the whole family back together and definitely not drive any spikes even deeper between anybody.]

Hmm... [and she'll make a little show of trying to think of something appropriate, including the classic sight gag of thinking that she's got something, raising a finger, and then immediately lowering it and muttering "no, that won't work" or something along those lines.]

Well, some of what you've done could work for the older ones, at least. [she'll have to take the loss on this, even though she knew she'd be coming up empty when she proposed it.] Maybe I could adapt some of all our stories for them? I don't know. I can figure it out. The important part is that they have something there to help them out. Like you were for us.

So basically, you got nothing. [Naturally though, she's not offended about that. If anything, it's just the opposite.] Maybe just use stories about me if any of 'em try to act out of line, scare them back into good behavior.

But they do have you there for them, so I doubt you'll have to worry about that anyways. [She's sure Lina will do better with them than she ever did for her sisters.]

Oh my gosh, I'm not going to turn my sister into a bogeyman!

[but the very idea gets a powerful giggle from her, the kind that she can't even stifle by putting her hands up in front of her mouth, and there's lightness in her chest again that she's so glad found its way back there.]

Oh my gosh. Yeah. I think they're all going to be okay. But you know, I learned a lot of what I did about surviving from you, so you should take some credit for this even if you aren't there. [eh, it might be a stretch, but she just wants Rose to know how important she thinks she is!] You don't give yourself enough credit for things anyway.

I dunno, I think I'd make a pretty big bogeyman... [She says it like a joke, but we all know she really wouldn't mind being turned into that for those kids in the least smh.

But at that, she shrugs, easy and casual. Even if she's grateful to hear it in words, she didn't do enough as far as she's concerned. Sure, she might know objectively that there was no way for her to do more at the time, but objectivity doesn't change how she feels about it even after all these years.]

I just did what I could. Besides, you guys're all taking care of yourselves just fine now.

[and Lina would absolutely sell that story. picture it! Rose with—oh, um, actually, don't picture some sort of monstrous version of Rose. picture a happy family where nothing goes wrong instead.]

Maybe that was all it felt like for you, but what you could do was so much more than anybody else was willing to do for us. And I know none of us are ever going to forget it. Even Jasmine, no matter how much she might want to. [her tone is a little more somber now, but how else can she talk about Jasmine? maybe she'll just try to shake it off a little by bringing the whole family into it again.]

Even though I don't know what's going to happen next, I'm really happy that I get to keep talking to you and Clover and Jasmine while it happens. [and that they can solve this together. all of them. she looks down at her hands, now folded in her lap, and glances upwards with just her eyes. there's a tiny, reserved smile on her face.]

I'm sorry. I know that's a lot.

coursing through your souls [closed]

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