recolle | Losing my Religion

Entry tags:

Losing my Religion

WHO: Sakura Kinomoto, Xiaolang Li, Fai
WHERE: Sakura and Fai's place
WHEN: Early March
WHAT: Sakura talks to the two about some memory regains she's had.
WARNINGS: Talk of memory issues? Re: forgetting.

[Sakura figures it best to talk to both Fai and Xiaolang at once, so she waits until the other would arrive before explaining. Even still it has been a few days, she'd just been waiting for him to get back. For them to arrange a time together. Not that this ideally would take long to explain but more in dealing with the aftermath and implications. Potential implications. She isn't sure if she does manage to get through the trial against Yue. Her, not just her, but everyone else involved with these cards somehow, forgetting their most cherished person. In a way that seems like worse than some actual disaster like an earthquake.

Sakura sits on the couch in the lounge, fidgeting with her skirt as she waits, biting her lip and checking her phone. Hoping for Xiaolang to get there soon while also dreading it at the same time. What his reaction might be. Especially when she herself remembers passing the bear to him and calling him her number one.]

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[Something's up. Sakura wants to talk about her memories, and she wants to talk to both of them, which had initially given Fai the hope that maybe she'd finally remembered all of them together...? But if it were a happy memory he can't imagine why she wouldn't have just come out and told him. No, calling them together to talk about it means it's either something very important or... very bad.

So while Sakura sits and fidgets in the lounge, Fai's puttering around in the kitchen within easy eyesight of her, getting snacks together for the kids. Good thing he made a fresh batch of puppy chow just yesterday!]

Sakura-chan, would you like something to drink? What do you think Li-kun would like to drink?

[Truth be told, Xiaolang's feelings on this meeting very closely mirrored Fai's. It was never a good sign when she needed to talk to him in person about regains, and doubly so if it wound up involving someone else. If it was something small, or inconsequential, she would have told him over the network, or at least over text. But to need to talk to him immediately, face to face...

Really, he should be glad that she was going to him straightaway with these things, but with Mio having issues with her own memories, Leon being weird about it and just the whole month in hell in general... well. It was a lot. But this was Sakura, and he wanted to be there to shoulder whatever burden was weighing her down, even if seeing her again made him nervous for not Retrospec related reasons.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he shifts his bag a little further up his shoulder to keep it from sagging as he walks up the path to the door. Zee and the citizens of Respatrum had sent his group back with a number of goodies as a thank you for their work, one of those being lots... and lots of ice cream. And while Xiaolang wasn't about to repeat his mistake from November and overload their freezer with the stuff again... something told him it was going to be sorely needed. So, along with the little sachets of magic gems for both Sakura and Fai (another a thank you gift from Respatrum), there were a few pints of strawberry, chocolate, and a few random flavors nestled in there as well, kept cool by the blue jewels in the small bags. There was also trying to get all of Jasmine's stuff back too...

Heartbeat thrumming despite his best efforts to keep cool, he presses the doorbell, listening to it chime as he waits on the other side. Here goes everything.]

A hot chocolate? And I can text him to as -- ah! That must be him now!

[She's still nervous, still worried and unsure, and that is likely still obvious in the way the smile she attempts when she greets Xiaolang and lets him in, it doesn't quite meet her eyes like it usually does. She gestures for him to come and sit down, explaining that Fai had made some snacks for them and was asking about drinks, as she leads him to the lounge.]

Come sit. And er, well, I'll wait till Fai-san gets back from the kitchen to start, I guess. But I'm glad you're back again! And I have the homework for you -- at least. The classes we have together anyway.

[She then notices the ice cream and offers to take that back to the freezer and check in on Fai. Or at least to help do so.]

I'll just make a round of hot chocolates, how's that?

[Fai sets a pan on the stove and goes about collecting the ingredients to make his homemade hot chocolate, the really decadent stuff with honest-to-god melted chocolate that Iwai has already fallen in love with. While the kids are getting themselves figured out he starts to set a tray with the bowl of puppy chow, mugs for the hot chocolate, and a little bowl for mini marshmallows.

At some point a voice calls out from the kitchen:]

Li-kun, is that you~?

[There's the familiar heat in his cheeks and flutter in his chest as her voice and footsteps filter though the door, and it's a surprise to realize just how much he missed the sound of it. It had only been about two weeks since he had seen her in person last, but it felt so much longer than that, somehow...

The warmth and the tentative joy over seeing her again, however, gets quickly extinguished the moment his eyes fall upon her face when she greets him, like ice water on a small flame.

... something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong.

Her smile seemed more contained, more for show, than the usual bright, cheerful beams she gave to others. He had only remembered her smiling like that a few times before-- during the time immediately after her father died, and when she was recounting her experience with the fog to him. It was a smile that was trying to pretend to be okay, when things really weren't, and it was enough to make his heart twist with worry. Just what exactly did she remember?

The urge was strong to ask right then and there, to find out immediately what was going on so he could try to help, but... no, she wanted Fai to hear it too, and so he was just going to have to be patient. And so, he quietly follows after her as she brings him over to the lounge, his own expression a little tight, humming in response to what she had been telling him about Fai. Although he can't help but flush a little, despite his concerns, when she remarks on his return.]

I'm, ah... I'm glad to be back, too. It was interesting over there, but there were a lot of things that I missed from here as well. [Like normal temperatures and no fire everywhere, and, most importantly, Sakura herself.] Thank you for that, though. I'm sure it must have been a lot, given how long it's been...

[As Sakura's taking note of the ice cream, though, Fai's voice rings out from the kitchen, and Xiaolang's head perks up automatically, turning towards the source of the sound.]

Yeah, it's me!

[At Sakura's offer to make the trip over to the freezer, however, he quickly agrees, hoping to also greet Fai in person and possibly be of assistance to her. Following closely behind as they head over to the kitchen, he sets the bag down near the refrigerator, fishing out a few pints to start putting away. His eyes fall upon Fai and what he was fixing together and he pauses, mid-way through his work.]

Oh, um-- Retrospec send my group back with a lot of ice cream when we returned, so I thought maybe you two wouldn't mind it? F-For now, or maybe some other time...

Did you need any help with that?

Sounds good to me!

[Just hope that Fai doesn't dump the whole sugar bowl in their drinks. She is vaguely aware on how Xiaolang doesn't usually like his as sweet as hers. Or anything near the amount Fai puts in his hot drinks. Regardless, she gives a nod in joining Fai in the kitchen, waving off Xiaolang's comments on the homework in favor of helping put some ice cream in the freezer. Thankfully there isn't so much that it won't all fit, or won't take up the entire freezer at least.]

This is fine though. I was going to add some to the shopping list but now we won't have to!

[Fai grins at Xiaolang as the kids troop into the kitchen, although he pauses, looking vaguely confused, at the mention of ice cream.]

Retrospec sent you home with ice cream? That's... oddly nice of them? Thank you, Li-kun! I'm sure with two teenage boys and a Sakura-chan in the house we'll manage to get rid of it somehow~

[He CAN'T WINK but he does shoot an amused smile at Sakura, then looks back at Xiaolang.]

Do you want to grab some napkins from the cabinet over there? [He nods in the right direction, since it's a large kitchen and he's betting Xiaolang isn't quite familiar with everything in it yet.] I just have to pour the hot chocolate and we'll be all set I think!

It was really hot where we were.

[And then, after a moment's consideration, and realizing that probably didn't explain things--]

The city we were investigating was near to the Earth's mantle. One of the people in our group requested ice cream, to cool down between missions, and I guess by the end it, they just went overboard. Though that's more of a gesture on their hiring manager's part than Retrospec as a whole, but...

[He shakes his head, noting that he was getting too far ahead of himself. His eyes glance to Sakura, and then to Fai as they thank him, and the color in his cheeks deepen just a little.]

A-Anyway, it was nothing. I have a lot, with mine and my cousin's share, so I don't mind parting with it.

[He nods in response to Fai's request, though, glad to have a reason to tear away (and to help, of course), heading to where he indictated. He was certainly familiar enough with it, thanks to the gingerbread work back in December, but it's been at least a month or two since he's been in it last. After retrieving the napkins, he returns to Fai's side to hand them over, although his stomach does an uncomfortable twist at his words. All set to find out about something unpleasant, no doubt. Even the delicious scent of the hot chocolate couldn't quite distract him from that.]

Um... I-I can carry that, if you want. You didn't have to go through that much effort on my behalf.

[That, and being blinded for like half an hour during their last mission made him a bit more sensitive to eye issues... or Fai's lack of one, in this instance. No doubt he's already adjusted to it by this point, but if it made things for Fai a little easier...]

That's -- I don't eat all of it! My brother does too! Usually he pinches mine! You've seen him!

[Or in the case of some foods, like broccoli, him shoveling his own share back to her plate. Her brother is probably the one rare instance where Sakura does get a little worked up in regards to being frustrated over him at times. And even then she quickly deflates, getting a little flustered over it in getting angry like that.]

But ah, this was everything, right? If we take it in to the lounge?

[Once the ice cream is put away and not going to be left to melt on the bench, that is.]

[Fai just grins and then laughs outright at how flustered Sakura's getting. It's so easy to get her riled up where her brother's concerned.]

Ah, I know! Don't worry, I'm just teasing--hm?

[He turns back toward Xiaolang, a little surprised at the offer but pleasantly so.] Well, it's really no trouble but if you're offering I certainly won't say no! Thank you, Li-kun. Just let me pour the hot chocolate and this should be everything.

[Flipping the stove off, he grabs a potholder and pours some of the hot chocolate from the pan into each of three mugs on the tray.]

There! I think we're ready.

[Xiaolang catches the end of that tirade as he returns with the napkins, not even having to hear the name of the person in question to know who she was worked up about. Her brother always seemed to get that sort of reaction out of her, and he can't help but frown slightly at the thought of him. For a guy who always got super grumpy whenever Xiaolang was within a ten foot radius of his sister, he sure liked to make Sakura upset a lot. What kind of brother would take his sibling's food and call her a monster all the time? An awful one, that's what.

Although a part of him, a very small bit, did think she looked... cute, with her cheeks puffed and pouty like that. Not enough so that he'd do anything to deliberately fluster her, and he liked her smile the best of all, but...

He nods vigorously at Fai's words though, all too eager to assist and share a part of the work. He may have been their guest, but he felt more comfortable helping out than sitting back and letting them do everything. He didn't want to be a burden to them, after all! So he hovers near the tray as Fai pours out the chocolate, the delectable smell wafting from the mugs (okay, so maybe the hot chocolate might distract him a little from his concerns), waiting for the other man to finish. A familiar sensation tenses his shoulders, however, one that has become more and more common over the past month, and his eyes flit over to Fai's for just a moment. That was... odd. The feelings he was getting from him were one of caution, but nothing... inherently dangerous? But why was Fai of all people setting that off?

... well, he'd tell them about it later. After whatever it was that Sakura wanted to speak to them about. As Fai sounds his approval, he lifts the tray and balances it in his arms, beginning to head towards the lounge to set up everything for them. He does glance over his shoulder though, to say:]

I have other things in that bag that I wanted to give you two as well, but that can wait until later.

Ah, it smells so good! Let's sit down! You can show us the bag after.

[The sweet, delicious scent of the chocolate is almost, almost enough to take her mind off of the very reason she asked Xiaolang over and all. Almost. Not quite. As much as she does adore hot chocolate, especially the way Fai makes it. It's still enough to make her seem to cheer up, to smile as she leads the way through to the living room to sit.

It's only once they are sitting that she cradles her mug, biting her lip and glancing down at the drink in her lap and hands. How to even start explaining. But now they were sitting down. She should start. Say something.]

...I um. What I wanted to tell you both was. It's about the cards. What will happen if I don't pass the test to be their new Mistress.

[After the tray is safely in the lounge and everyone has a mug, Fai sits back on one of the sofas and idly sips at his hot chocolate. He doesn't need it--he's pretty sure he doesn't particularly need real people food at all anymore--but he still enjoys sweets, and sipping gives him something to do while the kids collect themselves. This is Sakura's show, after all. He's just here to support her, whichever way this goes.

He does look curious after that bit about the cards and Sakura being their "Mistress." He's pretty sure he's heard at least a little about her magic, but between all of the catastrophes that have happened over the last few months, and getting their new little family settled into the new house and everything... he's definitely going to have to pick her brain about magic one of these days.

For now he'll just stay quiet and listen, however.]

[Once Xiaolang gets the hot chocolate and snacks squared away, he settles onto a chair adjacent to Sakura's, hands wrapped around his own mug-- not that he makes any move to sip at his drink at the moment. The look on her face, worried and despondent, had killed any sort of appetite he may have had, the expression like a knife burrowing into his heart. He does his best to school his features into a calm mask, not wanting to concern her more with making him upset, but there are cracks there; his eyes are soft with worry as he watches her, and his lips tighten as the second pass.

Like Fai, he was there to support her, to listen to her get whatever was eating at her off of her chest. Of course, he had more of an investment in this, too-- given how much their memories matched up, whatever this entailed may be something he remembered down the line. So he'll also remain quiet, and let her speak as well, although he can't help but interject a little, at that last bit--]

There was a test for you to be their new owner...?

Y-yes. If I failed....if I didn't pass, then the cards would...

[Even without all her memories concerning the cards. The threat of what would happen if she failed, that still terrifies her. Still worries her. Sakura's grip on her mug tightens as she swallows before continuing.]

They would make everyone forget. Everyone that came into contact with the cards somehow, they'd forget their most important person. I'd forget them. I can't...I can't let that happen!

[She isn't outright crying. Not yet. Though her eyes might start to feel the sting of threatening tears. She can't help but to worry. When this isn't just about her, but anyone else involved with the cards too. Xiaolang for sure. And Tomoyo.]

[Forget their most important person?

The memory comes back to Fai instantly--knowing that Sakura had forgotten the boy, both of them older but still so recognizable, and knowing that no matter what might happen Sakura would never remember their relationship as it had been. It had already happened in that other life, not some looming threat but a concrete reality.

Was that what had happened in that other life before they'd met each other? Or was it simply something he hadn't remembered yet?

Pursing his lips, Fai leans forward to deposit his mug on the coffee table and then moves forward to crouch in front of Sakura, hoping to be of some comfort. He's let her be up until now, even though she's seemed vaguely anxious about this talk, but this is too much.]

Sakura, you're talking about that other life, right? Another world, another you. There's nothing to worry about here.

[The sound of tears in Sakura's voice, wavering and threatening on the horizon, is what haunts him the most.

It's a foreign sound, a frightening sound, one that spikes his concern through the roof and leaves his heart splintered into a number of brittle pieces. Not once, in the year or so that he'd known her, had he ever seen Sakura cry. Not when her father died, not when she was recounting her experience in the fog to him... the fact that she was near tears now said enough about the situation at hand.

Before he's even aware of it, he's setting down his own mug on the table and he's onto his feet, striding quickly between the small gap of space between his chair and her seat. His arm reaches out slightly, ready to wrap around her, to stop those tears in their tracks-- but Fai gets there before he does, kneeling in front of her to comfort her, pausing him in his tracks.

... oh. Right. Fai was her guardian now. He would probably do a better job at making her feel better than he did. Lowering his arm, Xiaolang stands there for a moment or two, awkward and unsure, before ultimately settling on the seat next to Sakura. His hand rests softly on her back, between her shoulder blades, a vain attempt at trying to soothe her, if such a thing was even possible.

Never mind the implications here, the clarity of what the disaster might truly entail at her words. She had told him about her past self calling him her 'number one', and how they had swapped and named their bears after one another. And if that tradition he remembered was true... then the feelings between the two of them then were certainly mutual. How that was the case, considering what a jerk his past self had been to her, was a mystery, but--

She would have forgotten him, and he would have forgotten her. They'd go about their lives as if the other didn't exist, and they'd be none the wiser of it. It was easy for Fai to say what he did-- it certainly wasn't an issue here and now, but to think that was the potential fate of their other selves...

... no. He couldn't dwell on it right now. He was just going to get upset too, and that wouldn't help matters one bit. Quietly, he adds on to Fai's words, in an attempt to quell her fears:]

He's right. And even in that other world, we don't know for sure whether you failed it or not. If Retrospec is sending you the cards, then that must mean they're yours, aren't they?

Well....yes. But that still -- I don't want that to happen. Even to this other version of me. And I'm not sure. I mean, they have my name on them so they must be. Or they were mine at one point at least.

[She glances between them, when they approach, when she feels Xiaolang's hand at her back and Fai crouches in front of her at her chair. They seemed a lot calmer in comparison to her. But then she'd been worrying over this for a few days already. That and they seemed to be focusing on that this was happening to the other version of her. True. But the very idea and implication of it scares Sakura. Terrifies her.

She manages not to actually cry, holding in the tears as she gives a nod in response to the questions, what they were saying. ]

[Fai's visible eyebrow furrows with worry, though it has much more to do with Sakura's emotional state right now than some magical cards and some doom-and-gloom test. After a moment he rests a hand on her knee, palm upward, offering the hand if she'd like to take it for comfort. His voice, when he speaks again, is soft and level without being obviously patronizing. The kind of voice used by someone who's had to deal with a lot of distraught people over the years.]

I don't think there's anything you can do for that other Sakura, sweetheart. What happened to her has already happened, so there's no sense in you making yourself sick worrying about it. By the time the other me knew her she seemed to be doing just fine. She was making do, she was still sweet and cheerful. Just like you.

[He can't just come out and tell her that he's seen her forgetting that other Xiaolang in that life. Not when she's already upset. He can't. So instead he gives her a big, hopefully reassuring smile.]

And if something like that comes up now... just remember that you've got a lot of people who love you and will help you through whatever happens.

[Calmer on the outside, maybe, but that certainly wasn't true on the inside, at least for Xiaolang. What with Retrospec being so intent on getting back to people to their 'original' selves, to the extent of removing eyes and limbs and even their whole bodies-- who says that they couldn't do the same with memories, either? If Sakura had somehow failed in that past life, would she one day forget him here? Or would he one day forget her as well? There was no way he was going to mention it, though. It wasn't something she needed to hear, in this state, and she may have even considered the possibility already.

No, he was going to remain cool, for her sake. The only concern he'll allow himself to show is concern for her well-being, not the 'what-if's running rampant in his head.

Still, Fai seemed to know how to handle the situation a lot better than he did, leaving a small sting of inadequacy in his chest. Of course, Fai was older, more personable, more experienced with dealing with delicate scenarios like this-- it was his job, after all, and Xiaolang knew as much. And, in a way, it was good to have someone like him talk to Sakura about this, say the words he wasn't quite sure he could say himself with as much confidence and optimism. But... he wished he could do something-- anything-- to encourage her, to help her as well.

The best he could do, really, was keep his hand upon her back, a quiet, steady form of support, as Fai did his best to reassure her. Something the older man said did strike him as odd though-- 'seemed to be doing fine? 'Making do'? Why not tell her she was okay, instead of phrasing it like that? Had something actually happened?

... well. He wasn't going to ask Fai about it. Not now, anyway. Right now the bigger priority was to get Sakura back to her cheerful self. Fishing in his pants pocket, Xiaolang produces a small, folded blue handkerchief, offering it to her quietly. She may not have been crying at the moment, but it was there for her if she needed it. There's an attempt at a reassuring smile, small and tentative, a silent agreement to being one of those who love her and would help her regardless of what would happen.]

It's true. And you remember us now, so that's what really matters, isn't it?

[It's instinct. To reach out when she sees and feels that hand offered, at her knee. She takes Fai's hand, nodding again at what the both of them are saying. It's probably easier to be more objective without having spent a few days worrying over this, without being the ones potentially responsible for it even if Xiaolang would also be mixed up in it. Would be also suffering the consequences as the one helping her deal with the cards.

Her other hand reaches to take the offered handkerchief. Not that she is crying yet but. Still.]

I know.

[It's hard to know if any of what they're saying is actually helpful. Fai knows how disconcerting and disorienting these memories can be (to say nothing of powers, physical changes...) and he knows that Sakura's the kind of person who wouldn't want to worry them any more than strictly necessary. He's already accused her (lovingly, of course) of that once before.

Cradling her hand in one of his, he pats the back of it gently with his other hand.]

We can talk about it more if you want to. Our first instinct is to reassure you that everything is fine, but that doesn't mean you need to keep things to yourself. If it worries you, we'll talk about it.

[Once Sakura accepts the handkerchief from him, his free hand settles upon his lap, though the one on her back never budges. There's not much else he can really do-- just sit there and be the silent, careful support that she needs. He wasn't as good with words as Fai is yet... or, rather, mature enough to help navigate complicated situations like this. But he does pay attention and keep note, trying to keep it in mind for future situations, should he need to use them. Which, hopefully, he didn't have to! But Retrospec was Retrospec, and who knew what could be in store for them.

He nods quietly at Fai's words, his expression solemn and resolute.]

We're here to listen, Sakura. You don't have to weigh yourself down with this.

[Not that he's really one to talk about confiding in others about what's troubling him, but Sakura shouldn't have to bear this sort of burden alone.]

Right. I know there's probably not much, if anything, that I can do from here. I just can't help worrying.

[More on everyone else this would have consequences for, than herself. The idea of forgetting isn't necessarily new though, given their memories returning of this other life, however one wanted to explain it all. But still, at the same time, this was something pretty big. Something bigger than just her, enough to worry her this much when she was usually pretty good at keeping that cheerful smile going regardless of what was happening.]

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Losing my Religion

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