[SEMI-OPEN] sometimes I feel lost sometimes I'm confused

[covenantal]

WHO: Yu, and ... like, whoever manages to actually convince him to talk to them. There's both open and closed prompts below!
WHERE: Around the city.
WHEN: Monday though Wednesday, the 24th through the 26th of July.
WHAT: This happened. For many reasons, Yu is Not Okay.
WARNINGS: Talk of death, probably?

[ Quietly kept though it's been, those close to the twins may be aware that some things went awry over the past few days. In fact, just yesterday the accident occurred that saw Yu tearing over to the hospital to find his boyfriend had been hit by a car because of his twin, who would have - could have? - died without Yosuke's timely interference.

And if he's honest with himself, Yu is really not alright. ]

[ MONDAY (closed to Yosuke) ]

[ Concerned though he is with Souji, Yu also feels a powerful need to see his boyfriend. The one who actually got hurt, at least in that specific accident. There are more, Yu knows this, and he just--

He's not focusing on that right now. He's not sure if he could function if he tried to.

So instead he texts Shin and asks him to come over and watch Souji, which turns out to be a somewhat pointless effort when Shin just kind of shows up anyway. But at least it gives Yu the freedom to leave the apartment - which, right now, feels oppressive and small and terrifying - and take the bus(es) that will bring him to Yosuke's home. ]

Hey. I'm outside. I don't want you to get out of bed. Would you be alright with your mom letting me in?

[ TUESDAY (open) ]

[ None of it feels real.

You know? That state of absolute unreality that follows in the wake of something terrible happening. You wake up in the morning and have a few seconds of blissful, happy confusion before you remember, and then you wish you hadn't woken up at all.

Then again, he is sleeping little, so he has not had to go through that particular process much.

So now here he is, out shopping, 50+ hours deep with basically no sleep, and in looks, at least, he's very similar to how Souji seemed right before all the accidents. Wan, black circles around his eyes. Visibly sleepless.

But that's where the similarities end. Where Souji was spaced out from exhaustion, Yu, if anything, goes to the complete other extreme, hypervigilant to the point of outright paranoia. Pass him on the street and he'll look at you, sharply, in a way that is probably at least a little unsettling. After a moment he'll let his gaze slide off you and just keep walking. .... bye? Maybe he'd stop if you got up in his face...

The only exception to this unfortunate routine comes when he gets most of the way through his shopping and mechanically reaches for the last thing he knows he needs, which turns out to be pudding cups. The thing he always buys for Souji.

.... anyway, if you're in the store, you'll notice he's been standing there staring at the pudding cups in his hand for at least, like, ten minutes? Just... standing there, his hand shaking just a little, otherwise unmoving. You know, if you didn't know any better, you might think he was on the verge of crying. But that's ridiculous, right? ]

[ TUESDAY (closed to Ardyn, Yukiko) ]

[ He's got some other things to do once he recovers from that fiasco. His first stop is Ardyn's place, where he's left a few books. There are things of Souji's here too, now, little things, all the small signs the twins are starting to feel like Ardyn is actually family with a home that is welcoming to them. Those things Yu ignores. In fact, Yu tries to get his books and leave without actually running into his uncle, however successful he'll be at that bit of attempted subterfuge.

More things he isn't expecting: when he, some time after that, finally makes his way back to his own apartment, he finds, of all people, Yukiko standing outside. He'll pull up somewhat abruptly when he spots her, startled enough to at least get his expression to move from "masklike" to "faintly surprised" for a moment. After that moment, though, she gets the same treatment as the rest: a look of complete blankness before his gaze just kinda slides off her. That said, he doesn't try to dodge away. ]

Did you come to see Souji?

[ WEDNESDAY (closed to Grell, Karkat) ]

[ Back to work!

Yes, really. In fact, he worked the two days before, too, just shorter shifts at his request. But Yu has a full shift at the hospital today, in much the same state he was in on Tuesday. He's now got maybe 2, 3 hours of sleep to show for a 72+ hour stretch, so he's definitely feeling it. By now, the hypervigilance thing is starting to become mostly paranoia, and he's kind of jumpy.

He'll be somewhat snappish with the first person to approach him, until he realizes it's Grell. Then he cools his heels, looks away, and murmurs: ]

Sorry. I ... sorry.

[ He's gonna try and... you know... go, so--

Anyway, after failing to escape Grell, he'll just kind of. Be sitting outside the hospital after his shift, wishing the world weren't the way that it was. Without really thinking about it, he'll pull out his phone and send a text to Karkat that reads: ]

Think you could come pick me up from the hospital?

Comments

tuesday

[appraiser]

[ God, he looks like such a mess, that Ryoji hesitates in approaching when he first sees Yu and the intensity of his gaze that practically bores through the pudding cup as if it were the car. He doesn't have the words for Yu, he doesn't know what he could do to help— doesn't know if he's the right person or if he has any right in walking up to Yu when his first and immediate urge is to cheer Yu up somehow. That's not how it works.

But Yu's his friend, and so Ryoji doesn't think to walk away. He comes up to Yu with a shopping basket, and kind of... silently rests his hand on top of Yu's to help guide it down into the basket. Just set that down here. We'll buy out the entire stock of pudding if that's what you want, Yu. ]

[covenantal]

[ The truth behind the pudding cups is this:

The enormity of it all, the maelstrom his feelings have become - panic, fury, terror, rage, more than he was built to hold or handle - is overwhelming him. Staring at the pudding cups makes him think of Souji's smile, Souji's jokes, all the little things Souji does that make it so easy for Yu to say with pride, that's my twin, the one I admire--

Except that twin broke all their promises, and lied to him, and hid from him, and almost died, and almost got his boyfriend killed in the same fell swoop.

And all these thoughts are going through his mind as he just stares at the pudding, trying to convince himself to put it down or put it back but it feels like if he moves everything he feels will explode out into the world and he won't be able to contain any of it anymore, the enormous, tearing pain of knowing that he and Souji are probably the same person and their fatalistic determination to keep all their pain hidden even from each other (from themselves, when they were one person did they lie to themselves like this) could actually kill them or the people that they love

and then Ryoji's there, and this time, when Yu stares at him, he actually sees him.

Ryoji won't find any resistance to the motion. He'll let his hand be guided, and drop the pudding into the basket.

For just a moment he really looks like he is about to cry.

But with a faint huff of breath he ducks his head, covering the way he wipes at his eyes with a more casual motion of brushing his hair away from his forehead. He's steady when he looks up again, as steady as someone as sleep deprived as he can be. ]

I...

[ ... what use is it trying to lie to Ryoji? Swallowing, Yu recalibrates his approach. ]

... I won't be good company right now, [ he finally says, baldly, with the faintest air of desperation. ]

[appraiser]

I'm not either.

[ He says the words softly, taking his eyes off Yu directly and holding him instead in the corner of his eye, sifting through the shelves to fill up the basket with a contemplative little frown that grows on his lips.

He puts inside tapioca pudding with the small pearls he likes to chew on, coconut listed in the ingredients that he can smell but never taste. Douhua with that sweet ginger syrup that leaves his mouth uncomfortably dry afterwards. Dirt pudding that he hasn't had since he was a child, enjoying the crushed cookie on top of the pudding and refusing to eat the gummy worms- it goes into the basket too.

Come to think of it, he doesn't really like pudding. ]

But I'm endlessly patient, and I could use your company, bad or good.

Terrible Communication Tuesday

[redarm]

[Noah hadn't heard about Souji and Yosuke's accident. The last time he'd talk to Yosuke a few days ago, he had been fine as far as Noah knew. Noah wasn't very good at keeping up with the latest news, and the fact was he'd been having his own hands full with his own problems. Namely, attacking Ryoji and wrecking the Confectionery with a giant out-of-control claw hand.

You know, small stuff.

He'd rather avoid people right now until he has better control, but he still needs to eat and his kitchen pantry was on the verge of empty. So he's at the store, filling up his own cart with what seems to be enough food to survive a hurricane. He happens to pass Yu in the produce area, and out of habit he looks up and opens his mouth to say hi--

-- And then Yu stares at him sharply, in an unsettling way. A way that he's seen all too often in people with little regard for him. His words die in his throat, and he looks away and down at his cart, his stomach feeling like it's full of lead, as he lets Yu walk away.

He must've heard what happened. Maybe he hates me now.

The thought comes very easily in his mind. People have hated him for lesser reasons, so it only makes sense in his mind, even if it hurts. He pushes his cart and continues his shopping, this time in a bit of a dazed and a bit more of a hurried pace. Maybe he can get out of this place before he comes across Yu again. That'd be best wouldn't it?

Except that plan doesn't work when he comes to the pudding aisle, and Yu is standing there in front of one of the item that's on his list. He freezes, and at first he stands far away- as if waiting for Yu to grab the item and move on. Except...Yu doesn't do that. He just stands there, looking extremely upset at a cup of pudding.

What was he doing?

For a moment, Noah considers just forgoing that item on the list-- but it was something Ari asked for, and he didn't want to come home empty handed. Not after putting her through so much. So...he'll just have to suck it up, take a deep breath, and approach]

Uh...Yu?

god they're fine

[covenantal]

[ To be honest, Yu might have looked at Noah, but he wasn't really seeing him. In fact, the honest truth is that he didn't really register that was Noah at all. Just a person, and he doesn't think he can handle company right now. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He also doesn't want to go back to that apartment, with Souji and the silence.

He has no idea what's happened with Noah. And knowing something like that wouldn't scare him off, anyway. The real problem he has to deal with right now is remembering how to care, about anything, through the fog of his own fucked up feelings. No, not how to care... how to see. How to even properly register stimuli. Some distant part of his brain notes, idly, if maybe this is what shock feels like. Can you still be in shock two days after an accident?

Hearing his name called properly actually snaps him out of his daze, and he looks around, staring at Noah blankly. There's no intensity or heat this time, just ... blankness. ]

... hey.

[ He continues to kind of stand there until, with an abrupt and jerky motion, he shoves the pudding into the basket he's got hanging off his arm and steps aside. ]

Sorry, I -- I was just lost in thought.

[ He's trying to sound normal, though it comes out a little mechanical. ]

[redarm]

[If possible, the blankness of Yu's stare is even more unsettling than that previous sharp look. Especially when he was expecting scorn, anger, maybe even fear. Instead when Yu looks at him, he looks so...far off. Like he's not actually there, or doesn't even recognize him.

For some in Noah's position, that might come as a relief, but it has the opposite effect for him. Instead it reminds him the looks his father would give him on his bad days. The days when he wouldn't recognize his son. He'd ask who he was, or call him names that Noah would learn later were deceased relatives. He could never predict exactly how those bad days would go.

Seeing that look now on Yu, it unsettles him. He doesn't know where it came from, and it makes him feel uneasy because it's unpredictable. His survival instinct is feeling on edge, trying to take in every small detail he could to make sure he didn't miss something important]

I-It's fine.

[He steps to the item he needs- a case of pudding. He can't help but glance at Yu, part out of his own uneasiness and partly because even if he's worried about himself...something doesn't seem right. He should ask something, shouldn't he?]

Are...are you okay?

monday

[youraffection]

[ The past 24 hours have been a bit of a whirlwind. Yosuke's parents were out of town when it all went down on Sunday. Keigo had thankfully been available to make it to the hospital while his mother hopped on the next flight home, so he hasn't been alone. Yosuke is thankful for that. He hasn't been home proper for very long, tired and sore, but on the mend.

The thought of Yu coming over is nice, but at the same time he didn't want Yu to leave his brother alone either. Yosuke has Keigo and now his mom. Once he'd been assured that Souji had someone to watch him, though, Yosuke didn't really hesitate much in opening the invitation. (Something about the confrontation between everyone at the hospital made him think that maybe Yu needs it as much as he does.)

So when Yu texts him, Yosuke smiles at his phone. His reply takes longer than it might since he's typing one-handed: ]

no probs
she might almost like u by now

[ When Yu does decide to knock, he'll be greeted by a woman he's met before--Hisae Hanamura. She's a middle-aged woman with short dark brown hair and eyes, hinting at what Yosuke probably be sporting if he didn't dye his hair. She looks a little tired herself, but her smile is polite as one would expect. She speaks in Japanese, comfortable with the knowledge that she can with Yu without issue. ]

Narukami-kun...it's nice to see you. Please, come in.

[ Holding the door open, she invites him inside. There is a bit of hesitance in her actions, though they give way to being a proper host. (Was this the one that had been in the accident too? No, he looks tired but not injured.) ]

You must be here to see Yosuke?

[covenantal]

[ It's a strange way to feel. Wanting to be around Souji all the time, to keep the two of them tethered together so that Souji can't wander out and almost die again when he's not looking -- and also not wanting to be around Souji at all, to stay away as much as possible from the source of pain and conflict and guilt and fear that Souji has suddenly become. Yu has felt guilt and fear associated with his twin in the past, but it was never this intense before.

Of course, before, Souji didn't just fucking walk into traffic one day.

So, yeah, it's with some relief (and, of course, even more guilt) that Yu heads out. He would never leave Souji around right now, so at least he can tell himself it's fine as long as Shin is there. A bandaid over a much deeper wound. It'll be fine. He'll be fine. Which is why he texts back like he's fine: ]

"Almost." Well, I'll take what I can get.

[ Maybe it has something to do with the shock of it all not quite releasing its grip on him yet, but he's perhaps strangely normal in front of Ms. Hanamura. The right amount of concerned, of course, and polite, but no more than either of those things. He'll nod politely at her as he follows her invitation in, slipping out of his shoes by the door.

Though, a mother's sharp eyes may not miss the dark circles beneath his eyes. ]

Thanks for having me. And yeah, of course. He should have someone keep him company while he rests, after all.

[ With a little bit of a smile. He's carrying a bag, with ostensibly a few goodies within for her convalescing son. ]

[youraffection]

[ She may not know Yu well, but his own fatigue is hard to miss. She can only assume that this has been difficult for him as well. Any skepticism is thrown aside in favor of keeping an eye on these boys who are trying so hard.

Her eyes drift to the back at his side and she offers a smile of her own. Clasping her hands together, Hisae nods. ]

I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. I'll take you to his room.

[ Yu knows where it is, but it's polite to escort him. So she'll take him up the stairs towards the end of the hallway. Once they're at Yosuke's door, she'll knock. ]

Yosuke, you have a visitor.

[ Yosuke, of course, already knows and calls out. ]

--Come in!

[ Hisae offers Yu another small smile as she opens the door, allowing the boy entry.

Yosuke is on his bed, leaning back against his usual pillow as they're propped up against the wall, his laptop balanced somewhat precariously on his uneven lap. His left arm is, unsurprisingly, in the cast he received the night before, though he's got a sling over his shoulder to hold it for now. His left foot is also propped up on what looks like couch cushions and wrapped in an ace-bandage with an icepack on top of it. He's speckled in cuts and bruises, but even so, there's a friendly look on his face when he sees Yu. ]

Hey.

wednesday

[alienates]

[ he's grocery shopping when he gets the text. well, grocery shopping is a bit of a stretch, he's just filling his basket with a bunch of junk food. when his phone vibrates, it takes a moment for him to dig into his pocket to see who's messaging him. he'll most likely ignore whoever it is and reply later, until he sees who it is. ]

Yeah.
I'll be right there.

[ the immediate response is partly because yu is one of the people karkat would drop anything for, and partly since they haven't really talked in the last few days. yu doesn't normally ask to meet up at his job. while karkat's mind doesn't immediately leap that this is some sort of emergency, he still thinks it's something that requires some checking out.

so, he finishes buying his snacks (in case yu wants any, too) and then immediately heads to the hospital. when he gets there, he scans the area for the familiar face before walking over to where yu is sitting. ]

Hey.

[covenantal]

[ By the time Karkat arrives, Yu has his eyes shut as he leans back against the wall behind him, letting the sun warm his face. He's felt cold constantly for the past few days. It's like he can't keep any heat, no matter how hard he tries; it's like he's always one degree away from uncontrollable shivers.

He'll open his eyes when he hears his friend's voice, and sit up, though not stand. Instead he'll wordlessly beckon Karkat to sit beside him. Once Karkat obliges, Yu will just kind of...

lean over...

... and rest his head on Karkat's shoulder. Not dissimilarly from the last time he was ultra sleep-deprived, at graduation. But today he lacks all of the frisson and joy that day had. Today he's just tired and sad and empty and he doesn't know what to say. ]

tuesday

[browbeater]

[This is the second time he's seen a twin look tired -- though at least this time, he is reasonably sure by process of elimination that it's not Souji. He saw how he looked. So, he pauses, and even though Yu has already moved on past him, he moves to catch his attention, standing partway in front of him]

Hey-- Uh, Yu. [he pauses.]

Everything... alright?

[it's general-- he knows he should be more specific, but he's bad at this small talk thing.]

[covenantal]

[ Ah. Well, this time Yu will actually pay attention to him, blinking somewhat blankly. ]

Yeah, everything's fine.

[ He even manages to sound kind of normal.

Does Mako... know? What happened? ]

What's up?

Tuesday

[burningblossoms]

[Yukiko wasn't entirely sure what she was expecting to find when she wandered by the Narukami place, but a frazzled looking Yu practically gaping (for him) at her was not one. She steps over to him, both hands reaching for his arms, concern in her eyes despite the hard set of her jaw.]

No, I came to see you.

[She'd already spoken with Souji, and she thought space would be best for him right now. Yu, though...]

I wanted to check on you.

[covenantal]

Oh.

[ There's a lot in that one small sound. Confusion. Hesitation. Relief? Gratitude? How is he meant to feel?

He pulls in a breath...

... and then lets it out, a slow hiss between his teeth, the only remnant of his abandoned plan to lie to her. ]

Then you must have heard. About what happened.

tuesday

[daemonized]

[At this point, Ardyn is able to tell when it's Yu visiting him. The way the lock rattles as he turns the key, the way he opens the door. Even the footsteps, their gait just discernible enough from his brother's. Ardyn hears it from just down the hall, where he's located in his study. Immediately he stands and makes his way to find his nephew.

It isn't long before he finds him in the house, digging through what appears to be a few books. His back is turned to him, but Yu might've heard him approaching. Regardless, the concern is more than prevalent in his tone; the usual light-hearted flippancy is nowhere to be found, for reasons that are more than obvious.]

...Looking for something?

[He's aware that he's avoiding him. There's a reason his nephew didn't announce his presence, surely.]

[covenantal]

[ Yu goes still all through.

When he turns to face his uncle, he's steady and reserved, but it's not possible to hide the physical signs of his exhaustion. The paleness in his face. But he sets his mouth in a line, and then says, low and even: ]

I came to pick up some books I left. I didn't mean to disturb you.

Tuesday

[yamagishi]

[The moment that Fuuka saw Yu, she didn't need to ask what had happened. Ever since she saw the accident, the girl had wondered if she should have talked to him or not. After all, she had been involved in some manner and it was only right to just say something to him. And yet, she was holding back. Just what was she suppose to say to Yu?

That she's sorry that his brother was in a car accident? That she should give him something in return for feeling guilty that she didn't do a lot?

Either way, as she swallowed her fears, she simply approached the boy and hoped for the best]

...Do you need help with anything, Yu?

[covenantal]

... Yamagishi-san?

[ Well, at least her approach wakes him from whatever reverie he'd been trapped in. He lowers the pudding cups into his shopping basket, but doesn't take his eyes off her, watching her with a certain sort of blankness. ]

I-- no, I'm alright. Sorry. I was just ... lost in thought.

[ Runs a hand through his hair, then smiles tiredly at her. ]

Out shopping?

the only open prompt in this log

[maskreant]

[ Recolle is unfortunately a small place, so he spots Yu in the same grocery store. The memory of calling the ambulance for Souji is still burned into the back of his eyelids. It may not weigh him down too much, but he can understand the toll it takes on his family members. When he catches him by chance, Akira half expects him to disappear like a ghost the next minute. However, he spots him by the pudding area, holding onto the cup with a tense hand. He knows very well who's it for, but decides not to approach and instead browses the aisle for himself—

After some time, he realizes Yu has not budged one single bit. Carefully, he'll slide the cup out of his hand and deposits it into the basket, and then some more. Yes. You deserve more pudding cups. ]

Remember to get some rest, Narukami.

[ Stealing a glance, he can see that ghastly complexion with those dark circles. He looks like a mess. ]

[covenantal]

Souji didn't need it, [ he says, tired, unthinking,

and then briefly shuts his eyes. He hadn't meant to let something like that slip out. He simply let Akira help him with the pudding cups, and Yu looks at him now, inscrutable and searching.

More softly: ]

I'm alright.

tuesday; so very late...

[complementing]

[The scare with Souji has knocked her askew, like she's a doll not sat up properly on her shelf. Flashbacks of her own experiences, her own family's fateful car crash, keep creeping into her mind, and just last night it made her wake up in a cold sweat, the scar on her left leg seizing up, pain lingering even after an hour of tearful massaging. She's keyed up and anxious. She doesn't want to go out, but she has to, needs to, before she goes stir-crazy and drowns in her own thoughts.

So she's at the grocery store. There's a lot of people, but they're all minding their own business, which means she can breathe without feeling like she's alone. Her cart is full of comfort food, and she's rounding the corner into the dessert section when she sees Yu.

Oh...her poor kohai. She can't just leave now that she's seen him like this.

Steeling herself for a heavy conversation, Minako abandons her cart and steps to his side, very carefully, very hesitantly touching his elbow.]

...Yu-kun.

[covenantal]

[ His shoulders jerk at the touch, a flinch of surprise, but he looks at her normally, as if he wasn't surprised at all. His expression is completely unreadable. ]

Senpai.

[ He doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't know what else to offer her. ]

wednesday

[erythristic]

Yu.

[she had truly been intending to come and make a bit of small talk, checking in and simply seeing him. but the snapping registers, and there's something about him that seems tired. something's wrong, but...not here. she can't press on it here, where people would be passing by.

so she invents, quickly a reason to be seeing him.]

It's alright. But I was wondering if I could borrow you for a little while, if you weren't too busy with this work. A favor, if you would.

[covenantal]

[ A breath in,

and a slow sigh out.

A favor. Sure.

God, he's so tired.

In the end he'll not even reply verbally, instead just offering her a nod and stepping up beside her to let her lead the way. ]