recolle | is this the first closed log of the month jesus

is this the first closed log of the month jesus

WHO: Zoro, Ardyn, possible cameos
WHERE: Ardyn's.. apartment...
WHEN: july 12th or something idk just this week
WHAT: TIED, SEALED, DELIVERED, I'M YOURS
WARNINGS: just. everything. all of it. it never stops.

[Chimneys were not designed for people, Zoro decides, as he wriggles against the chimney walls. Or maybe it's more that chimneys were not designed for men of his bulk. Even bound in broad, santa-red ribbon, Zoro's shoulders had gotten stuck more than once on the encroaching walls. What he had hoped would be a freefall down his "archenemy's" chimney was now becoming a sooty slow crawl. Or. Wiggle.

That was how it went. Get stuck, shimmy his shoulders a little bit, fall, get stuck. A cycle that felt like it consumed hours before, finally, there was just the fall.

Ardyn's fireplace coughs a cloud of soot. Two booted feet, bound at the ankles and up the calves, thighs, etc. protrude from the firebox, shaking as the fireplace's metaphoric cough becomes Zoro's literal coughing fit accompanied with plenty of groans.]

Merry fucking Christmas in July, you filthy... ho ho ho.

[He's pretty sure Baren meant for him to yell that as punishment but also? Fuck Baren. He can't breathe.]

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[It only adds to the ridiculousness of the situation that Ardyn is not in the immediate vicinity when something decides to fall down his chimney. Whether or not this is a blessing remains to be seen, but it doesn't matter; he would stumble across it soon enough. Zoro is making too much of a ruckus to not eventually spot the man in a heap of soot in his living room.

But first, the cats.

The cats were napping, you see. Ardyn has three of them, and two in particular like to sleep near the fireplace. One on the mantle, the other simply next to it. The sound of scuffling in the chimney had been enough to awaken them, of course, ears perking up, tails swishing, but not enough to startle. But when Zoro is practically spat out from the chimney, erupting in a cloud of soot, they're definitely going to be startled then.

Fight or flight kicks in. Unfortunately, the only cat who would choose flight is the third, currently not present.

And so the two felines hiss at the sight, the other having jumped down from its spot on the mantle. The protruding legs from the firebox might as well be their newest mortal enemy, and both of the cats yeowl in anger, leap forward, and attack. They may be small, but they're a flurry of teeth and claws.]

[It is a special skill to be loved by animals and it's at this moment that Zoro wishes he had it. The soot's barely cleared his lungs before the little hell terrors come clawing. It takes a minute to realize just what they are–roaches? gremlins? Cerberus? No. Just cats.

For a flash of a second, Zoro panics. Did he fall down the wrong chimney? Is this really some poor reclusive old woman's house that he's infiltrating in Christmas bondage? Was two cats even enough to make a Cat Lady?

Ow. Wait. Nevermind. They're starting to get at skin now. The questions don't matter. Zoro defends himself in the best way he can–wriggling pathetically. His feet thrash and slap the ground as he shouts at the cats to stop and, when that doesn't work, at the asshole he just realized might not even be home.]

HEY! PROFESSOR DICK! CALL OFF YOUR GOON SQUA-Ow. Quit it!

Edited 2017-07-16 16:47 (UTC)

[The two cats don't seem to relent, biting and clawing as angry cats often do. It's a good ten seconds later before footsteps can be heard approaching, with a quickness that denotes a stark curiosity as to what the hell is going on.

Zoro will probably see Ardyn's shoes first, honestly, but if he bothers to peer up, he'll manage to see the professor properly -- he's looking down at him with an expression hard to read. Because... what... is happening.

One, Zoro is in the fireplace. Wrapped up in vibrant red ribbon, like some sloppily handled Christmas present. Two, his cats are doing their best to unwrap that present, quite irritably, sinking into skin and tearing up ribbon as if their claws were knives slicing through butter.

He should. Probably do something.]

Morla! Rochester! Stop that.

[But cats don't stop just because they're told to, and Ardyn actually steps forward and -- brave man that he is -- sticks his hands in the flurry of angry fur. He picks up each cat by their scruff, somehow avoiding getting scratched or bitten, and sets them down behind him. No longer in a frenzy, they dart off to another room.

Ardyn turns and looks back down at Zoro. He still doesn't know what to think. This is beyond surreal.]

...What are you wearing?

Something I was forced into. Don't talk about it.

[A near impossible request.

The cat assault managed to thin out the ribbon in certain areas he now rips free from.] "Merry Christmas in July, you filthy ho ho ho."

[Rehearsed, forced out, a practiced line he's saying in case the first iteration doesn't meet the demand. The ribbon around his ankles falls to the ground though his knees are still wrapped together.]

You need to clean your chimney, man. [Because, yeah, he's still coughing.] Can I get some water?

[He watches as Zoro rips free from the ribbon, watching as it lands at his feet. He's squinting at it, then lifts his gaze back up to look at the man. This does not explain anything at all. Absolutely zero. What the heckie.

He tilts his chin at Zoro, the poor dude covered in soot. Ardyn should feel irritated that he's gotten soot on his living room floor, that he scared his cats, that he basically is a walking example of breaking and entering, albeit a bit more... creative than most cases.]

I'll get you a glass of water if you explain exactly what it was you were forced into, and why.

[He's gonna talk about it??]

[GOD WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE IT BE]

Yeah. Fine. Guess that's fair. [Because... yeah. Breaking and entering. Sort of. He kind of wriggles into a sitting position against the legs of the fireplace. It digs into his arms which, obnoxiously, are still bound to his back and falling asleep.]

My friend's an asshole. Challenged me to a guessing game. Said if I lost I'd have to do one of his stupid punishment games. Somehow he found out I don't like you and here we are. [Yup. Still doesn't sound great said out loud. He sighs.]

Can I get that water? My throat's killing me.

[HOW DOES ANYONE LEAVE THIS BE.....

He listens, and while he's not sure that's exactly a satisfying answer, it's an answer nonetheless. It does rather explain the ridiculousness that's just happened in his living room, like something out of a fever dream.]

You're an idiot.

[He says, but it lacks any real vitrol. It just sounds exasperated.]

I'll be back.

[Ardyn turns to disappear into the kitchen. There's the sound of a glass clinking and water running, and some other shuffling around, before he returns into view again. In one hand, he has a glass of water; in the other, a pair of scissors.

He moves closer, crouching down, and sets the water down next to Zoro.] Stay still. [-he commands, as he uses one hand to push his shoulder to make him lean forward, so that he can snip away at that ribbon more easily with the scissors.]

You're lucky I'm a man that's very difficult to agitate. A normal person would have called the police on you.

Wouldn't have blamed them for it. [I mean... look at him.] You saved me one hell of an awkward trial, though.

[Can't be angry about that and that's what annoys him but it's hard to hold a grudge when you're being saved from Christmas bondage. The moment the ribbon around his hands thins enough, he breaks free.] I got it from here, thanks.

[In a matter of minutes most of the ribbons lay in tatters beneath him. The one that stays is just a simple red bow on his head. It's a small detail and the glass of water is more important. He downs the whole thing in a single gulp.

Yup. That feels good.] You want me to clean this glass out for you or...?

[He may be an unwanted guest but he's still a guest. Manners matter. Sometimes.]

Just leave it.

[He stands, holding back a sigh. As he does, he grabs the ribbon on Zoro's head, plucking it away. How ridiculous.]

I can take care of it later. [Thoughtlessly, Ardyn sticks the bow in his front coat pocket, just because he can, and because he never was against being remotely silly when surrounded by inanity.]

So what now? You report back to whomever put you up to this? Tell them that I was horrified, embarrassed, insulted, and that you had a good laugh at my expense?

[There's a full awkward minute where Zoro doesn't respond and just pointedly stares... at the ribbon in Ardyn's pocket. Why... did he take it...? The look he gives him asks the same question, maybe with a bonus hint of wary disgust. Don't do weird things with that, pal.

(why would he?)]

Yeah, but don't worry. It'll be quick.

[What exactly does that mean? It means he's walking to the nearest window, opening it and leaning out, middle finger out.]

HEY. BAREN. FUCK YOU.

[The window closes and looks back at Ardyn, one hand in his pocket and the other jabbing towards outside.] You want to shout at him too? Kinda admit you deserve it.

[He's just going to keep it as a reminder of the stupidity that happened on this day. Don't overthink it, he certainly isn't. He just reflects that questioning look back with a lift of his brow -- which, really, does not answer that implied question, probably.

He watches as the other goes to the window soon after, anyway, yelling out explicatives and gesturing at someone out there. Ardyn blinks as the man faces him again.]

They're just out there? [He shouldn't be surprised, honestly.] I may take you up on that, but-- first, how exactly did you find my address?

[IS THIS FYNN'S FAULT....]

[Zoro answers the question by continuing to jab his thumb towards the window.]

Like I said, if you wanna yell at him for it he's out there. The guy in my Saleen S7–[Just as he says that there's a loud revving from the street. Zoro jumps.] That bastard–! [Run run run, slamming the window open again. He leans out further this time, screaming down the street.]

WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!?! THAT'S MY CAR! BAREN! BARE–[aaaaaand he's gone. Aaaaand Zoro's about to fall out the window. He catches himself after a bit of flailing.]

Damn. That was careless. [Back to Ardyn.] Mind pulling me back in? [He's literally half out the window right now.]

[There's just too much happening, because before he knows it, there's the sound of an engine revving and Zoro yelling out his window and then requesting to be pulled back in--

Ardyn walks forward, grabbing one of his legs, and yanking him back in. He closes his own window shut with a bit of exasperation, but little more than that.]

So much for friendship, it seems he's left you thrown under the proverbial bus, as well as stolen your car. Will you be needing a ride home?

Yeah, what else is new?

[Grumbled as he's reeled in from his flop outside. It's not the first time his friend's been a pain and it won't be the last. He sighs, scratching the back of his head and rattling out more soot by accident. Damn.] He'll bring it back. But–yeah. Sorry. A ride would be good. A taxi's fine. Or an uber or whatever...

[He... actually kind of feels bad about all of this. Was that the real punishment Baren wanted to put him through? Feeling bad for his "archnemesis"? It definitely felt weird. He wish Ardyn would stop being so damn patient and tolerant.] If you wanna call one I can clean up here.

[Since there's still ribbon remnants and soot trails here and there. Again, he feels bad. Don't call attention to it.]

Leave it.

[He looks at the ribbon and soot on the ground as if it's just something to deal with later. He's not going to make the man clean up all of this in his own home, while he lorded over watching. As far as Ardyn's concerned, that would be just even more awkward.]

I'll drive you home, as long as you promise to use the door next time you wish to visit. Come along now.

[He turns on his heel, gesturing for Zoro to follow. Down one of the halls they'll go, and Ardyn plucks a set of keys from a plain wooden keyring holder mounted on the wall. Eventually they end up in the garage; two cars sit, a white BMW M3 (that looks to be an older model by maybe ten years), and a '65 Mustang Convertible, done in red.

They'll be taking the BMW. Ardyn cares exponentially less if they get soot on the inside of that one.]

Since you live in the city- [Since, you know, Retrospec] -it shouldn't be too far of a drive. No point in wasting money on a cab, so get in.

[Zoro checks out both cars and is more than a bit disappointed when they go with the BMW. He does one final dust-off before sliding into the passenger's side and adjusting the seat.]

Do the docks count as part of the city? [Honest question. He's never sure if they're part of Peach Beach, Recolle, or the ocean. His address is an illusion.]

... Thanks for this, by the way. Feels weird, you not being a dick.

[You had a promising start there, Zoro, why did you have to go and ruin it.]

[They're going to be pulling out of the garage while Ardyn answers, glancing at him with a spark of amusement (despite the circumstances) as he responds.]

Don't thank me just yet. We've an entire car ride for you to change your mind about how I'm acting right now.

[Said with his usual flippancy, but in the end, as they pull out of the driveway and begin to head in the direction of the docks(??), Ardyn adds:]

But you're welcome, regardless. Now then, why exactly do you live near the docks? [He doesn't remember any housing there.]

I live on a houseboat. Kind of a hassle with mail and stuff but living on the water's worth it.

[Or was. Before Jim took the blue away.]

Feel like I should be asking you why you live on land.

Because that's where all my things are. [His response is quick and joking, and not at all to be taken seriously.

He supposes, though, if has to offer a serious answer, he gives it a moment of consideration as he drives.]

Or rather, maybe I assumed that I should always live on land, because that's all I've known. What makes you think the water is "worth it"?

[They're trading moments of consideration here. Zoro mulls over the question, watching buildings slip by the window.]

Because it's what I don't know. [He shrugs.] More fun that way.

What?

[He scoffs, laced with humor.]

A fan of the unpredictable?

You got a problem with that?

[and here they were having a fine ol' time.]

Not at all.

[A grin that might be seen as frustrating, but a grin nonetheless.]

I suppose it seems to fit your personality, from what very little I know of you.

[yeah. it's seen as frustrating. zoro sucks his teeth and looks back out the window.]

Pretty sure that's the first assumption you've gotten right. Congrats.

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is this the first closed log of the month jesus

hopefully the cat attack option is still ok

i forgot about the cats which really just makes it 200% ok

1/2

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