recolle | [open] ring ring, bingo?

[open] ring ring, bingo?

WHO: Ritsu Kageyama and people who are probably nicer than him
WHERE: All around the city
WHEN: Throughout July
WHAT: Frustrated teen wants answers, does silly things for it; July catch-all, you know the drill!
WARNINGS: None for now!

[ My plotting post for bingo help is over here! ]

i. At least they're not grayberries

[ On the university school grounds of Apprassage, Ritsu mans a respectably built stand of questionable legality. He's fairly certain he can get away with it even with age alone, his professor guardian may have lost his memories of Retrospec, but was supportive in Ritsu's inexplicable one-day business venture. ]

Blueberry juice.
Freshly squeezed.
We have ice.

[ Now that sure is a passionate sales voice, yessir. Also before anyone asks, it's a Royal We. ]

ii. The hero nobody deserves

[ Some kid in a mask stands... uhh. Not that tall. Not that proudly. Maintaining a cross-armed pose lacking in passion. But the summer wind blows, and his cape dramatically flutters. He really hated he got a task like this in summer. He'd hate it all other seasons too but now the weather would be against him as well. Should've checked the forecast, should've picked another day. Wished he had money for sunglasses instead of goggles.

... Should concede and open up that umbrella, now before he gets sunburn. And maybe the shade would make him slightly harder to recognize. Ah, who was he kidding. He looks like some lost kid who wanted to celebrate Halloween a full couple months early. ]

Hey, you.

[ There's a point now, sorry if you were trying to ignore him. ]

Tell me, what do superheroes do?

iii. Maybe impossible

"Flash mob"...

[ Echoing the text on the square as he's seated at Tribunal Terrace, there's a frown on Ritsu's face even more intense than his usual one. He goes ahead and watches a video, shaking his head in defiance after a couple seconds. He's seated outside so the lack of earphones shouldn't bother too many people, but some might've still heard a pop song or Broadway that they knew. ]

No way. Definitely no way. A musical isn't any better. I can't do this kind of thing even with a team. Did anyone else get this kind of assignment? There's no role I can fit.

[ Could always be Robert during Enchanted, does that count Ritsu? Watching on, his will seems to be wilting, and his brows remain furrowed. ]

... Is this supposed to be music?

[ Well, even if you can't help him with such a monumental task, you can still take those as fighting words. ]

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[ Holy crap. He works there. He's so screwed. He's going to go all the way and bring him in!!! ]

R-Ryoji-san it was your day off right? If you were wandering about... then it's alright to leave me at the entrance, no problem.

That wouldn't be alright!

[ Indignation touches upon Ryoji's voice where Ritsu can't see it in his face, because this isn't work duty he's doing, but helping out a friend, a person, anybody he can be useful to. He seems to regret the outburst in the brief silence that follows, but his grip is no less tight around Ritsu's legs, and his pace picks up just the slightest. ]

...I'm not going to abandon you like that. I want to see for myself that you're being taken care of and will be alright. Until then, how could I leave you?

[ Did he accidentally stumble into some kind of TV drama? Holy crap, he hasn't watched one of those in months. They were "a short distance away", weren't they? That's what Ryoji had said. If he let this run longer, it would only make it worse. ]

We should stop. W-we... I-- [ Wow he feels like a kid guilty of stealing from the cookie jar. But here it's a breach of someone's trust. Just any random bloke would have been fine, but it had to be Ryoji. How is he going to live with himself. He's blubbering for a while, trying to get the admission to process. ]

I'm lying about the sprain!

[ Then it just blurts out, with a volume higher than he intended. If he gets dropped, he kinda deserves it. ]

[ Ritsu doesn't get dropped, but Ryoji doesn't take another step towards the clinic either. Instead, he stops right there in the middle of the street, staring straight up ahead. His frown is invisible to Ritsu, but the hurt, the disappointment, it's all there in his voice: ]

...Why?

[ Ryoji's not yelling at him. He doesn't even sound mad, his upset is as gentle and kindhearted as Ritsu had dreaded. That one, probing word then shakes him more than any lecture could have. ]

I... I...

[ Breathe. ]

I couldn't just ask some random person to carry me somewhere. [ "Not without good reason." Just say sorry. ] It... shouldn't have been you, but you were there.

[ He wants to run away. He should have ran away from the beginning if it would have turned out like this. When did he start caring so much about what anyone thought of him? Ritsu's voice is soft, balling his hands into fists. ]

Please, just get mad at me.

[ It'd be easier. ]

[ Ryoji, to date, has only truly gotten mad at one person, and he had regretted it immediately for not even trying to understand the other person's point of view. He's trying, but he doesn't understand Ritsu's position either. ]

If it's me, you can always ask, without lying. I won't get mad.

[ Ritsu falls quiet again. His voice isn't quivering anymore, but his spirit is still shaken. He won't get mad. Why is that more upsetting? Unfamiliar guilt seized over him, the feeling that he was already en route destroying himself and that anyone trying to prove him otherwise was wrong. ]

Ahh... I got. Really unlucky.

I can't believe you just happened to be there. [ He laughs, but it's obviously hollow. ] Why... do you even think I'm a good person, Ryoji-san?

[ Is the fact that it's him really unlucky, Ryoji asks himself... A bit of uncertainty settles upon him at the question posed to him too, and he finally lets Ritsu down so he can look him in the eye and turn the question back around. ]

Why do you think I'm a good person? ...I don't really think of people as "good" or "bad," but... I suppose it's because you've never given me reason to think otherwise.

[ Ritsu can't answer that, either. In his mind, they were strangers with an unfortunate connection; in Ryoji's, they were friends. He tries to keep his eyes away, but he can feel the older teenager's eyes fixed on him. This was dangerous territory, but they were both trapped in this now with no means of escape. ]

You... you're radiant, and warm. Even if you stand out more...

[ He forces his eyes back. "You're like my brother.' ]

The truth is, [ "I can't stand you. I can't stand myself." ] I'm really annoyed. By... this.

[ His vagueness isn't helping anyone, here. ]

"This"?

[ The word is said softly, little more than a breath. All Ryoji is getting is the fact that he's cheerful— he can be annoying, over-the-top to the point of being superficial even if he genuinely means his words... and people have hated him for it before. It's the personality he puts on the forefront because the other option is endless brooding, and he doesn't ever want to show that to people, but it's this personality that Ritsu finds annoying. ]

...I'm sorry, for how I am. I forget to temper myself sometimes, and be more considerate.

No... you're too considerate. That's the problem.

[ All he can see is two polarities. Someone who he genuinely thinks of as amazing, and bright. And then there's him. Scum.

What are you doing walking in the same place as others? And you think of them as even lower than yourself. Or rather, you don't care. What was the point? Living's such a chore. Everyone's having fun, getting angry, falling into grief. But you don't feel a thing. ]

I'm the monster in this equation. You're forcing my world open with your joy in everything, when I've been trying to shut it out. You showed me affection, even when I was a liar.

[ He points to his head, then lets his arm fall. ] I remembered. I've done so many bad things. It's unforgivable.

Please stop thinking of us as friends, Ryoji-san. I'll only hurt you again.

[ Ritsu calls himself a monster and Ryoji... he gets it. He gets what it's like to turn into a literal monster and wanting to shut out the world, how endlessly frustrating it was for people to pry his fingers apart when he can barely hold himself together, all his worries for inevitably hurting people both physically and emotionally. The bad things Ryoji has done, they weren't just in memories; they were in this life too.

Ritsu thinks he's a good person, because he doesn't know. Ryoji gets it, and he also gets that those thoughts were wrong. ]

If I get hurt, it's because you're important enough to be to cause hurt, so I wouldn't mind that at all. I want to be friends even with the hurt, because hurt isn't all you have to offer. And the world has so much to offer you in return... Why are you trying to shut it out?

I... don't understand...

[ Why is Ryoji still being so nice to him? His chest feels tight, but it wasn't the resentment that he wanted to build. He'd been walling himself from emotion so that it wouldn't hurt when someone dear to him decided to leave again. Because of his lack of redeeming qualities, or worse-- his own wrongdoing. Those people in his memories, he treated them like objects. Mere stepping stones.

He couldn't trust himself with other people. Then, wouldn't continuing to be alone be the better option? Ritsu's mouth moves before he can take back a secret he'd not previously shared. ]

It's my fault I lost someone important to me. I don't... want that to happen again. If I can't even let go, then I shouldn't hold onto anyone else!

[ Ryoji's the one who doesn't understand. It's hard, with as little information as Ritsu's chosen to share with him already, and being him, Ryoji's mind goes first to death when he hears the word "lost." He shies away from that immediately, because there's a very old guilt that bubbles up at the thought, that he had pushed down a long, long time ago. ]

If you can't let go, that person must be very important to you. It's not a bad thing... But I can't say more without knowing the whole story. Will you tell me?

[ Ritsu by now had realized the futility of pushing Ryoji away. It was simultaneously annoying, frustrating to realize his powerlessness, and yet a relief of being the child he hasn't allowed himself to be for the past few years. Someone was reaching out to him. He only need to accept.

He releases a heavy exhale. Accept he does. ]

... Okay...

[ Ritsu clears his throat. ] Should we... find someplace away from the sun for this? I don't want you to get sunburned.

[ A slow smile spreads on Ryoji's face; despite their difference in ages, he feels like Ritsu will always be the more mature one of the two of them. ]

There are large shade trees at the park, and I like watching the birds. How about there?

[ There are also a lot of people around, children laughing and yelling, but it's in that noise where they won't be overheard, as opposed to trying to find somewhere quiet and private. ]

[ Ritsu nods without another word or meeting his gaze, awaiting Ryoji's ready. At the least, he seems earnest to not run away from him anymore.

Where should he begin? It seemed like the branches of hypothetical conversation just kept on branching and splitting through intricate procedure: question, answer and consequence.

Honesty. Mistakes. Betrayal.

Ahh... he wants to run away again. But Ritsu steels himself. Maybe things could be different. ]

[ The ready doesn't come until they're at the park. Ryoji sits down with his back against the trunk of one of the trees, long legs stretched out before him so that the tips of his shoes leave the shade and catch the sunlight. Sitting like this, side by side, Ritsu doesn't have to talk to him directly, able to speak to the sky or the grass or his hands or anywhere his gaze wanders instead of looking into Ryoji's eyes— sometimes, that's what makes it hard. ]

A good place to start is at the beginning.

[ That's not a bad idea. Starting from the most basic place, huh.

Holding his knees close to him, Ritsu starts out kinda like a guarded shell, face downcast and barely visible. He's not one going anywhere at least. His voice is also clear, mind made up about being honest. ]

... Do you have siblings, Ryoji-san? The one that I lost was... my big brother, a few years ago.

[ An exhale follows, and his fingers interlock tightly. ] I don't think I rejected the world back then. It was fun to try new things. My brother was meeker than I am, and he had a hard time making friends. Other kids called him plain, he wasn't good at sports and struggled in class, but to me... he was amazing. He was always there for me, proud and supportive and gentle. I learned things quicker and rarely made mistakes, so we'd be compared a lot... but I knew he was trying his best, too.

Our parents loved us both, and we were happy.

I'm an only child, but I've always wanted siblings.

[ Someone like Ritsu, maybe, Ryoji thinks as he listens to him talk of his brother. He smiles down at his knees as Ritsu speaks fondly of his brother— pride, support, gentleness, more important things than athleticism and academics... and for Ritsu to recognize this and call his brother amazing. ]

It's kind of like... being gifted a friend from heaven. You share the same roof, you eat the same food, slow down your pace when big brother's running short of breath. Stopping when the other's fallen and scraped their knee. Saying it'll be okay, and knowing you'll always support each other, even after you've grown up...

[ The starting phrase would never come out sincerely if not for how much Ritsu missed him; a gift taken away after a number of years of good memories. The disillusioned little brother, now a single child, deciding it would be better to be alone than to say goodbye again. His voice, like a clock's arm ticking into a new hour, gradually goes from soft to cold; as if calculated, but it wouldn't be controlled for long. ]

Because he was so kind, he couldn't fend for himself when the bullies showed up demanding our money. I was more bullheaded and didn't care how much bigger they were than us. I couldn't let them just do what they wanted, they didn't care if I was 9. Trying to save me from them...

[ His pause is long, the lump heavy in his throat. ]

Nii-san got pushed into the way of an oncoming car.

[ Because of him not backing down from a battle he couldn't win. Ritsu fights to keep his breathing even, but already he can feel he'll only keep trembling the more he continues. ]

But he didn't die from that.

[ The affection Ritsu has for his brother is almost palpable, and it's somewhat enviable the way two souls can be so tightly connected just by sharing blood. But Ryoji's face becomes somber too when he hears about the car, this thing that has torn so many lives asunder, that he never wants to be the one behind the wheel. Sometimes, when he's at a loss for words or doesn't want to speak up and interrupt someone, like Ritsu who is recounting his past, who should be allowed to unfold everything at his own pace without being pulled back to the present, Ryoji is glad to sit close to them. He can sit and lean, touching shoulders with Ritsu in silent support.

"It's not your fault." "He did that to protect you." "You did it to protect him too."

Nothing sounds quite right.

But his brother didn't die, so... Ryoji leans over a little more, temple against Ritsu's temple in lieu of a hug. ]

[ Ryoji's physical affection, however subtle, feels completely new and foreign after all this time. But it's welcome, and Ritsu doesn't reject it. All this, it reminded him what it was like to be a kid. Specifically, to be back in that time. (His feelings weren't any more sorted now than they were then. What a joke.) ]

I pushed him out of the way... tore open a part of my head in the process.

[ Lost so much blood. He still can't tell if the next part of his memory is real or something he'd just imagined. ]

Saw a glimpse of my brother's face from my eye that wasn't covered in blood, for a second. Horrified. Guilty.

[ But it wasn't his fault. ]

When I woke up in the hospital he wasn't there. The doctors told me I was lucky to be alive. ... Then from my parents, that my big brother ran away.

[ How long did it take his shock to break into enough tears that he's felt were enough to last his lifetime? ] The police never found him. I blamed them for giving up. I blamed grandma for not noticing him slip away. I blamed my brother because how-- how could he do this to me.

[ The hitch in his breath left the rest of his words coming out high-pitched, weak. ] The wound didn't matter. Almost dying... who cares? He had to come back. He didn't. Now I... know. I can't blame anyone but me. It's pointless.

Hanging onto my brother too... it's pointless. My parents still set the table as if he was around. My parents still bought him birthday presents for when he'd return. I was so angry but I couldn't say it.

I've-- [ a sharp inhale ] become terrible. I wanted to replace him out of spite, or redemption. Be twice the son now that they lost one.

[ How far had Ritsu fallen into his own lies? A single truthful phrase would have summed it all: "I miss him." ]

[ It's not subtle this time. When Ritsu finishes speaking, Ryoji turns and puts his arms around other boy's shoulders, pulling him in for a hug that he won't let go, hands clenched on the back of his shirt and face pressed against the top of his head as if worried that one day, Ritsu will be the one to slip away from him, out of guilt, spite, whatever emotions he'd been keeping inside him all these years. Because it's such a difficult, unfair, impossible situation to be in. Would it be better to be like his parents, ignoring the problem and pretending nothing is wrong, to the extend of setting the table and celebrating birthdays of somebody who isn't even home, trying their best to keep the memory of their son alive? Or accept that his brother is gone, telling himself to move on with his life... essentially giving up on the idea of his brother ever coming home? Ryoji can't suggest that. ]

...People aren't replaceable. And you aren't responsible for other people's actions.

[ Saying neither of these things makes anything better, but Ryoji isn't trying to fix anything. The past has already happened, everything Ritsu went through, he's already felt and experienced and endured. ]

It's okay to hang on and have hope. It's okay to be angry and afraid, and you don't have to justify yourself. It's okay.

[ In their quiet location under the shade, patches of the shining sun sifting through the leaves, leaning against Ryoji's in his embrace, Ritsu began to quietly sob. He clings onto Ryoji's arm tightly, and he feels the dam that he's stored away every facet--good and bad--of his childhood leak and burst out within seconds. It's a flash flood that rather than drowning him as he thought it would had been simply set free because someone was here holding him. Even as his body taken by emotion begins to betray his objective thoughts and his lungs become harder to control, he manages to not wail. He's secured by Ryoji, and the tears are getting all over his face and hands and probably on his companion's arm by now too...

The paradox in Ritsu's overactive mind continues on, and that he feels safe with having an anchor also makes him feel weak. He should be able to stand on his own, that was the whole point of going to Recollé, that he didn't want to be a kid anymore-- but he couldn't stop his tears from flowing.

None of Ryoji's words are wrong, and he has to take his time formulating a response. Ryoji would understand if it wasn't in words, as breakdowns were usually like that. He'll have to be satisfied with the small nodding motions that follow he can feel against his cheek, and staying with him until his eyes finally run dry. If only it were that easy to fix every aspect of self-hatred, but alas it isn't. While the guilt closest to his heart has been shared, there are things he hasn't confessed yet. They were two very different people, but they found each other for a reason. Ritsu can only pray he can repay Ryoji for the kindness he'd shown him today, simultaneously still fearing the burgeoning feelings of familial affection. ]

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[open] ring ring, bingo?

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