recolle | [closed] this is a story of five

[ Does Clover want to be here? Not really. Is she only really here because Rose asked? Basically. Does she want to see Rose and talk about what she wants to talk about? It's complicated. It's a reminder of being part of the reason why Rose almost died months ago, and it's a reminder of how close she was (how close she is) to being no better than Four.

They are a broken family, but it'd be a lie to say she wanted to severe all ties with them. ]

I'm fine. [ A convincing lie she's smoothly told all her life but still an obvious bold-faced lie. ] There's no use in prolonging hearing the news if it's something we should hear.

[Lina is, of course, sitting as far away from Clover as she can. it's hard to even turn her head towards her right now, and it's scarier than she wants it to be being anywhere in the same building as her, but this is bigger than all of them. plus, with a table between them, they'll each have time to get out of the way if they decide to lunge for each other.]

[not that they ever would. they love each other.]

I haven't been okay. [there's sweetness in her voice, forced more often than not lately.] But there's more important things to talk about.

[ violet--arranging and rearranging the little packets of jams and jellies, her hair twisted and re-twisted, looped and re-looped and tied up so that it just brushes the vinyl seat (but would certainly trail on the floor if she were to let it down)--is fine being here. she'd sort of been wanting to get together somehow, even if she forgot about christmas (again) and no one took her up on the new year (which she eventually realized she'd been late for anyway).

technically, this atmosphere sucks, but that's nothing new. it rolls off her back. ]

Busy.
What about you.

[It's really nothing new which means that this is only going to get worse. That's how it always feels when they start off on a bad note immediately, but there's no use delaying it anymore.]

Tired. [She looks briefly over at Lina, thinking she should ask about her at some point. No, not should, she will. Maybe not today, but at some point. They're not gonna be much of a family if they don't talk to each other.] And that's that for now. I'm not really sure where to start, but here goes...

I remembered some stuff about Zero, but mostly about the fucking flower in my eye. After everything that's happened, [like dying, even if she won't mention it explicitly] it makes sense of some of the other shit I've remembered. According to her, it's a "calamity that threatens the entire world." Like, it literally wants to destroy the world. But first it has to... grow, I guess. Feed off of the host for a while. And then it consumes them entirely, whatever that means, before it's done growing and goes off to do whatever world-destroying shit it does.

[This is the first time she's ever talked about it out loud, and the more she hears herself, the more absolutely fucking insane it all sounds. It should be a joke or a shitty horror movie premise. No matter how blase she tries to be about it though, at this point... She believes it. Zero was dead when the flower brought her back. She was dead when the flower brought her back. Despite how much she wants to, Rose can't bring herself to doubt it.]

[ It really is one thing to think it, another thing to write and read about it, and something else entirely to hear it out loud. It sounds more real and final when given a voice, and Clover hates it.

She remembers Four wanting to destroy the world. She remembers that state of mind in her nightmares. Her fingers clench into fists, and her long nails cut into her palm. ]

I... I've been thinking. I've been wondering if the flower in your eye isn't just connected to you but if it somehow is linked to all of us. I know Four reached a point where she wanted to destroy the world. She didn't care if she was a "calamity that threatened the entire world."

[ She remembers Lina mentioning Two losing her mind, too. ]

[she... Lina can believe this, but she doesn't want to. she doesn't want this to be true in the slightest. but she trusts Rose, and on some level she trusts Clover, too, to know more about this than she does. they were on the app first, after all. and it's hard to ignore the physical effects of it, plain as—well.]

[once Clover's done speaking, Lina takes a moment to breathe.]

Two had another daemon. A second one, from the... from my memories that don't fit with anyone else's. She summoned it after she killed One. [a shaky breath. at least Jasmine's free from this.] I think Clover's right. I think it affects all of us.

Oh.
Yeah.
I had it, too. The flower.

[ that thing Zero was surprised to see wasn't driving Three crazy; that thing whose power Three used to summon an ancient dragon. ]

Sorry. I thought you knew.

We're not gonna know anything if you don't say something first.

[But she thinks that could go for all of them anyways, so even Rose is a little exasperated that Violet didn't say something sooner, well. She could've said something sooner. She folds her arms, giving a deep sigh through her nose.]

One said before that Zero made the Intoners to begin with. I don't know how or if it's even true, but... Yeah, I'm guessing you all had the flower somehow. We're all ticking time bombs here.

[Christ, how the fuck do they go about fixing all of them?]

[ This is a lot. It's too much. It's information Clover thought she could handle, but it's not. It's not. It's not.

The napkin she was clutching in her hand is now being shredded into strips.

Zero made the Intoners? What does that mean? To be made—

The strips are being torn into pieces. She takes a shaky, shallow breath. Her eyes stare straight forward without seeing anything. She can't handle this. Even if it isn't true, she doesn't want to deal with this.]

We either see if Zee Carlisle can help us with this, or we each find someone to be a contingency plan.

[there's the idea of a contingency plan again. she hated it the last time it got brought up, but something has changed since then, hasn't it?]

[a lot of things have. this isn't... information she likes to hear. this isn't something she wants to hear. that Two was created by Zero—by the flower to be some kind of guaranteed calamity. there's no reason they should all be like this unless they were all supposed to kill each other. and grow stronger. and become the end of the world.]

I don't have enough people left to make a contingency plan. [she says it as a matter of fact. just a statement, not self-pity.] So we should see if Zee can help first.

[she's trying to stay focused. to keep herself together. but her hands are balled up under the table, digging crescent moons into palms that don't even have the decency to bleed properly anymore.]

[ violet groans, a low-energy expression of frustration, and lays her head down on the table (surrounded by a low wall of jams and jellies). ]

Can't we just kill each other?
If it comes down to it.

We're not killing each other, alright?! No one's killing anyone, no one's dying, none of that shit!

[Her voice rises and rises, no matter that they're in a public restaurant. She's not watching herself kill one of her sisters again. Even just once was too much. Rose might not remember it yet, but she's sure Zero killed all the Intoners in the end. That's four more murders to remember.

Rose would rather die than have to see that. And frankly, she's more than willing if it comes down to it. Right now though, she's trying to live. She takes a deep breath before she speaks again.]

I talked to Zee about my flower, and he's... gonna try to help, whatever that means. It's a start. If I'd known for sure you guys were connected to it too, I would've asked, but. Anyways, I think you should all try talking to him, too.

Rose, please....

[ Even if everyone else won't understand, even if everyone else won't remember, Clover doesn't want it to seem like they're fighting. Whether or not they actually get alone is no one else's business.

The Intoners dragged the whole world into their business. Will they do the same? (Hasn't she already tried?) ]

I don't want to repeat what's in our memories. [ Not that they all have access to dragons in a manner that could feasibly be a contingency plan. ] I refuse to call upon that power, and I refuse to harm any of you like that.

[ Clover collects her ripped up napkin, piece by piece, cleaning up after her small mess. ]

I don't personally wish to talk to him about this personal issue, but I would be interested to see if he really can offer any of you a solution.

[sure. Clover would prefer to harm people differently! Lina inhales, trying to keep herself calm, and lets herself focus very hard on her short stack in front of her. she's keeping as even a tone as she can manage when words come.]

It isn't as easy as refusing to do it. Two loses her mind and starts using her powers whenever she wants, however she wants. [she thinks. probably. Violet becomes more interesting to look at than her pancakes for a moment.] But if we all have the flower inside us, then whatever we ask Zee to do for one of us should work for everyone.

[and she turns her head, her eyes showing more white than not at Clover. she doesn't have the energy to start an argument over what Clover should or shouldn't do, but from the sound of it, Rose has that covered.]

We just need to swallow our pride and have somebody ask him for help on behalf of all of us.

[ Violet rolls her head around to the other side. ]

This is stupid.
Maybe Zee has the magic bullet.
And maybe he doesn't.
And then what?

[ she sits up abruptly and turns to Clover. ]

By the time you called Armaros, it was probably too late.
So.
What would have stopped you in time?

Then we think of something else.

[Because the alternative just isn't an option. If it was only herself being affected, then she'd already have a solution, but that's not how it is anymore. This is about all of them.]

Honestly, I'd still say you should all ask him yourself. Whatever this flower is, it affected all of the Intoners differently. Zero's the only one I know who had it present physically. Maybe that means something, maybe it doesn't, but Zee's not gonna know each of your situations unless you tell him.

[She looks to the side then, not wanting to think about Violet's other question. Granted, it's not really her question to answer, is it?]

No. Before I summoned Armaros here, it wasn't too late.

[ Her words are sharp and as cold as ice. Her play at fake concern and worry is gone. It's so fucking sad when she thinks about her memories back then. The things that were and weren't real are muddled, just like their memories of what were and weren't real for the Intoners are muddled. It's laughable in that way when you're shit out of luck and out of your mind. Like how she was after she summoned Armaos. ]

It doesn't matter anymore. Those were different circumstances. Whether anything can stop us when we make up our mind— isn't that something we should talk about? We're supposed to be a family, and we haven't acted like it in months.

[ Is she blaming them? Is she blaming herself? Does she ever blame herself?

She knows she only ever visited Rose in the hospital when she was in the coma and never when she was awake. There's no way she could look at all her failure in her life like that after she thought she had improved... after she thought she started changing. ]

I still don't trust Zee even after everything I've heard about him.

[Lina can blame herself more than enough for everyone else. because a lot of this is her fault, isn't it? well, whether it really is or not, she'll just. take it all in. she'll accept the blame. it's how this works.]

I've been too afraid to talk to any of you like my sisters. [she may as well seize that opportunity. about how they're supposed to be a family. she's talking down into her lap, loud enough to be heard over the restaurant but still pretty quiet. like she already feels like she's going to be talked over so why even bother.]

I'm already afraid that the only way out of this is going to be killing each other. I ran away when Clover died. I ran away when Rose died.

[she remembers that she and Clover had a conversation back then, but she can't remember what was said. because it was during those two months that she can't remember. when everything about her life had changed. she doesn't know why she's trying to come up with some big important line to finish her little... not even a speech. just an admission of guilt. she isn't saying anything new.]

If we want to stay a family, we can't solve it by dying. And whether you trust Zee or not, we don't have another choice right now.

[ in response to clover, her voice is completely flat: ]

Wow.
I wonder whose fault that is.

[ she sits up, finally, flicking the hair dangling in front of the face back over her shoulder. ]

So far, it looks a little like the only thing that can stop us once our minds are made up is death.

[ she pronounces 'death' with darkened consonants an a drawn-out vowel, like she's narrating for a campy Halloween play. ]

That's why I want to figure out how to stop us from making our minds up to begin with.
Is it the buddy system?
Is it a shock collar?
I'm just making suggestions.

[ she pauses, long enough that it probably sounds like she's done talking and someone might have begun to respond... but then, abruptly, she continues. ]

And by the way.
This is how families act.
We're family whether you like it or not.
So stop fantasizing about what that's supposed to look like.
And deal with it.

[ oh hey, the extra whipped cream she asked for is here ]

[This is weirdly one of the more positive things about them she's heard in a long while. They're family no matter the ups and downs, even if it's mostly downs. And some days that feels like the heaviest truth in the world—because if they weren't family, would they have been spared all this nonsense? Would that have changed anything? But there's no way to know that, so right now, she takes comfort in it because it means that really, she's not alone in this. None of them are, not if they don't want to be.]

We're family no matter how shitty we are to each other. That's never gonna change. [She starts cutting into her pancakes, talking through every bite she takes.] But if the stakes are this high, we might as well be better about it.

[Easier said than done, she knows, but at least they're even here together right now, talking. Geteilts, actually communicating. That's a step forward, right?]

I dunno what made the Intoners make up their minds, so I can't even say. Right now, I dunno what would make me "make up my mind" either, but... [She shrugs.] From what I've remembered, everyone starts losing their fucking minds before trying to pull the really weird, crazy-ass shit. So if I feel like I'm... losing my mind or something, I guess I'll let you guys know?

[ This fucking bitch is what Clover thinks after every word Violet speaks. How fucking dare she say any of that when she's the sister who's always off in her own la la land and shows up late to everything? What a fucking act.

It's a good thing Clover hasn't regained back her super strength a second time yet; otherwise, there'd be a dent growing into the table. She's leaning all her weight on her arms on the table so she doesn't jump up and do something she'll regret.

She grinds her teeth. She feels no love like she should for her sisters right now. Not like she used to. Months ago, even when she was bitter, she could still feel love. Now, all she feels is anger. ]

Do any of us even know how to be better? [ She still cares enough about appearances that she keeps her bitterness quiet. Her food is untouched and getting colder by the minute. ]

How are you so sure we haven't started losing our minds? It'd be hard to tell with Violet.

[ Clover's felt like she's been losing it since she started getting her memories back. She just never knew how much because denial is so long. ]

Edited 2019-02-26 03:28 (UTC)

[Lina's voice isn't being heard. or it is, but it's being ignored. that's fine. she reaches out to Violet instead, trying to... what? hold her back? as though Violet's going to explode? ha. wouldn't that just be the perfect way to end this fight.]

[but her eyes are pleading as her fingers gently reach for the back of her sister's hand. she deigns not to speak because it's not going to matter anyway, and because this fight isn't hers and she'll only make it worse if she tries to intervene. but she's trying to think about it less. she's trying not to try so hard. isn't that what Violet taught her? she doesn't want it to seem like she wasn't listening.]

[she doesn't want to be that person. she wants to be herself. she wants to be a Geteilt and she wants to be proud that she's a Geteilt. so she's just. silently begging for Violet not to escalate, because Clover is already out of the question.]

[ violet leans down again, resting on her forearms, but she keeps her face upright, her eyes open wide and staring at everyone else in turn. (including the rando who keeps sneaking glances at them from the next booth over. pay attention to your own fucking waffle, fucko.)

after a couple of seconds, she slides her hand out from underneath Lina's, then pulls both their hands off the table and down onto the vinyl bench. (reassuring out of sight.) she fixes her gaze on none of them in particular. ]

Lina.
You tried to give up on us.
I know you changed your mind. And punished yourself a lot. And worried and agonized. But I don't think you ever actually apologized for it, did you? To Clover.
Maybe you should.

And Clover.
You and I don't value the same things.
We're incompatible in all sorts of ways.
Maybe you never really liked me to begin with.
But I will do. Anything. For you.
You just have to tell me.
If you don't explain, I won't know.
I think none of us will know.

[ does clover just want to be right?
if they all expressed to her, sincerely, that she's the one who's been acting the way she should have all along, and that she's better than all of them, would that be enough?
that's violet's best guess. but she does, at least, know better than to guess it aloud. ]

And you, Rose...
Are you our role model or not?
What are you going to do about this.

[For a brief moment, she wishes Jasmine was here. Rose has never been good with responsibility, not like this. She'll shoulder as much as she can on her own with no complaints. The minute someone expects something of her though? That's a different ballpark. That's what Jasmine was good at.

But Jasmine isn't here. She's here, and she's the one Violet's asking.

God, they all picked a shitty role model. She'd call them dumb for picking her of all people for it, but she's the one who went along with it in the first place. It's too late to complain about it now.]

What do you want me to do? [She looks at each of them, flowered gaze and all.] We're not kids anymore. I can't just tell you to kiss and make up. The only thing I can even think of right now is just... talk. And I wanted us to get together today because I think all of us could stand to talk more.

So honestly. I'm not being sarcastic. What do you want me to do?

[ Anything, is it? She doubts it. If this were a few weeks ago, those words would have more impact, but Clover has done nothing productive to improve herself. All her bitter feelings have festered, and inside, she feels more like Four than ever. It gets harder and harder to hide it.

It's not about being right. It's not about being apologized to—although both those things wouldn't hurt, but deep, deep down, she's known she's never been right. If she had been right, would she still feel the way she does?

Her facade splinters and cracks. She grimaces and covers her face with her hands. There isn't any danger of tears; she just doesn't want to see anyone or anyone to see her. ]

You want honesty? Fine. [ Each word is said like it's been forcefully plucked out of her. ] I don't know. I don't know how to separate myself from Four anymore. I hate everything.

[ What good is there left? ]

What can anyone do?

[ If she could laugh, she would. ]

[this doesn't seem like the right time to apologize. to everyone. but Violet is right; she never did. she ate herself up inside and worried and called herself a bad person and withdrew from everyone and tried to run away, and she never actually said anything. she never acknowledged what she was doing. she never apologized for hurting her family.]

[Lina drags her hand back to her lap and looks down at it, interlaces her fingers, tries to think of how to approach this. it's simple. will it mean as much now that she's been prompted to say it? probably not. but she needs to say it anyway.]

I don't know what we can do. I'm sorry that I tried to run away. I'm sorry that I thought isolating myself was going to make anything better. I just... I spent so long thinking that none of you even thought I was part of the family anymore that I started acting like I wasn't.

[she doubts that'll turn any heads. it's something that everyone at the table knows, anyway. they have eyes.]

Maybe we just need to remember the lives we had together. Before all this happened. Think and talk about who we actually are, instead of who the Intoners are.

[ ah.....

she's opened a bed of worms, and now that it's her turn to lie in it...

it's too much responsibility...

she wants to take a nap.

instead she starts hurriedly eating her waffle.

eventually, with her mouth slightly full, she speaks again, partially to herself. ]

...When was the last time we were happy with each other?
...Was 2014 any good?
2007 was a good year...

[closed] this is a story of five—no, four sisters

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I THOUGHT I HAD RESPONDED TO THIS......... sweats