[closed] https://i.imgur.com/2sDCUbk.jpg

[clothes]

WHO: ""akutagawa"" & baren
WHERE: the kumou-nakahara residence
WHEN: mid-first half of the event idk
WHAT: akutagawa being an unknowing body-swapping bedroom intruder, just a regular monday morning tbh
WARNINGS: n/a

[ ahhh yes, akutagawa slept better than usual last night; thankfully shuji was nice enough to finally be cool and bring akutagawa some fermented grape water, so the night was spent eating a kale salad kit straight out of the bag while marathoning a period drama. he had completely forgotten about the fact someone out there had basically called him a sloppy-assed omega, he was that chill. a pure miracle!!

except he feels like shit now. whatever time it is, it's probably super late into the morning, because he's used to the sun's light warming him through the curtains. at the moment, akutagawa just feels straight up hot. hot and smothered. he attributes it to the summer heat and his own dumb ass staying up so late to get turnt with wu zetian on television.

there are a lot of other small details that bother him too, but he tells himself everything will come together as soon as he rolls his skinny ass out of bed. he opens his eyes with a discomforted groan before turning over with the intent to slide out of bed, and yeah sure enough there's a sexy-ass motherfucker laying next to him.

oh...........

welp! akutagawa knows for a fact he is an awkward and unlovable virgin so there's no way he did anything to pick this fine specimen up last night, he wasn't that fucking drunk. so why, why in the fuck is this happening?! is this that freak of a fan from yesterday who sent him that stupid card? this is creepy no matter how he tries to parse it, so rather than come up with an escape plan that is tactful and safe, he does the next best thing, which is have a fucking meltdown. ]

Get the fuck out of my bed!

[ the lucky thot besides akutagawa gets screamed at and kicked at and bashed with a pillow... what a great way to kick off this day/event..... ]

Get out! Get the fuck out now you disgusting pig!

Comments

i just opened the link in the subject and i want to die thanks

[crudest]

[this is fucking karma for the fact that baren absolutely shoved chuuya out of bed the other morning when they bodyswapped and he just doesn't know it yet

but look he was willing to have a sleepy morning?? he'd already gotten up and prepared lunch for the both of them for when they eventually needed to head out and have actual lives so he didn't think it was a big deal if he got to slip back into the bed and cuddle with his fiance.

apparently it's a big fucking deal.

because he's automatically pissy at the fact that he's getting kicked and bashed at - and why he's going to grab at whatever limb that's being thrown at him next so that he can seize hold and try to yank the offender off balance]

Shut the fuck up for a second!

You're welcome!

[clothes]

[ this crazy guy grabbing his tiny weird little ankle just solidifies the whole Stranger Danger situation to akutagawa, so he does the exact opposite of shutting the fuck up. ]

You shut the fuck up! While getting the fuck out of my apartment!

[ akutagawa has graduated to trying to kick this beautiful stranger in the face, while he gropes around blindly for something to bludgeon him with. all he has...is another pillow... he's going to die here or become this weirdo's next piece of human furniture, isn't he?

just his luck... akutagawa just lets the pillow go back to doing whatever it was doing, and instead goes back to trying to maul this kidnapper's bread and butter (aka, his face). this guy must not want his nose broken or something though, or maybe akutagawa's limbs are weirdly shorter than he's used to or something, because he just can't seem to land a decent hit! god! what the heck-heckity-heck is going on!!!!! ]

[crudest]

[he's trying so hard and baren is increasingly tired of this. anyway this just neatly confirms that this isn't his martial artist boyfriend and is instead probably some sort of awkward dweeb who's just scared and confused

and he should probably have some kind of pity




but it's baren so he doesn't and instead he'll just dodge out of the way far too calmly (how many people try to attack baren) and whistle sharply

there's the pitter patter of paws and then a puff of smoke as the door bangs open and a giant tanuki just fucking charges in. he looks in confusion between chuuya(?) and baren and makes a plaintive BUGGYUUU noise in confusion because why are his parents fighting]

That's not Chuu!

[which is apparently all the cue that the youkai needs to try to tackle the intruder who is apparently not his real dad

akutagawa really didn't deserve this]

[clothes]

[ akutagawa is about to start losing his marbles because this guy doesn't even have the right celebrity he's trying to kidnap?! but the giant raccoon dog lumbering in catches his attention. a few months has desensitized akutagawa to the freaky animal-monster-things somewhat, but it never quite stops being freaky, so he stares as the crazy kidnapper and tom nook over here have their exchange, and before he knows it, akutagawa is rolling off the bed to avoid getting eaten alive.

much like lulu, akutagawa was that girl in your p.e. class who you thought was good at dodgeball because she was always the last one standing, but really she just didn't want to get hit; so, luckily he's able to wiggle out of the coronet-like cocoon of blankets around his legs, but now he's backed against a wall and squaring up. ]

I couldn't care less about who you are and what you and your raccoon-bear intend to do with me, but be grateful I have chosen not to end you here and now.

[ this is the worst time to be an edgelord. ]

[crudest]

[for the love of]

Yap yap yap - you know I thought Chuu was pretty bad about sounding like an annoying dog but you're even more annoying than he is?

[Baren just deadpans at this weird ghost inhabiting his boyfriend's body - and he's careful to fix his hair to make sure that his bangs fall over his left eye seeing as he doesn't sleep with an eyepatch normally. but Tanuki will stand in front of Akutagawa, making his big fluffy body the barricade between him and Baren. he's not really menacing at all. but he does seem tense because baren's tense.

meanwhile baren automatically reaches to find a shirt to put on now that he's not being attacked thanks - ]

Anyway, catch.

[ - and grab a handheld mirror while he's at it and just toss it over to akutagawa, hoping that'll explain everything]

I'd rather not waste my breath on an explanation on something you should figure out.

[clothes]

[ this motherfucker. akutagawa is about to start popping off again, but resigns himself to chuffing in annoyance as he snatches the mirror midair. with his typical scowl, he eyes his KIDNAPPER!!!! warily before glancing down into his reflection and promptly grimacing.

(that boy koga is probably having a laugh over this right now, assuming he hasn't been body-snatched by a literal dog or something.) ]

...What is this. Why--

[ retroshit! that's why! as if it all somehow makes sense, akutagawa settles down with a put-upon sigh, though not before looking at himself and all his chuuyalicious glory in the mirror one more time. ]

I suppose there are worse people to switch lives with than the Chuuya Nakahara.

[ SIGH... he just tosses the hand mirror onto the bed, his usual akutagawa scowl set on chuuya's charming features. ]

Regardless, I must find a way back to myself immediately.

[ AND NOW HE'S STARING AT BAREN EXPECTANTLY.........does he know how to fix this orrrrr,,,,?? ]

[crudest]

[what does he mean the Chuuya Nakahara

baren automatically looks exhausted.]

What - did he get swapped with a fangirl? That sounds annoying. Don't try to stab me in a fit of jealousy or anything?

[but it's true. chuuya's apartment is nice - like he has a little bit too much money to spare. there's the sound of some more puttering outside - the rest of their animals, an incredibly large and fluffy white dog and a black cat - and baren will move to nudge the door closed with his foot before they get distracted, muttering about how he'll feed them in a second]

- anyway when he and I switched it just took a day and fixed itself after a while.

But he's probably less chill being in a stranger's body than mine so expect him trying to kick your ass in your own body.

Which brings me to my last point: who the hell am I talking to?

[just wondering!!!]

[clothes]

Yes, a fan would be the appropriate term. But if I stab you, it won't be in a fit of jealousy.

[ akutagawa doesn't bother bitching and moaning about the fact he doesn't have a day to waste on doing fuck-all, trapped in what is actually a pretty cool apartment. it makes akutagawa a little homesick; he never bothered moving any of his ancient art and relics over due to their fragility, so seeing all these fun little homely touches, and pets (even though animals are yucky), and a live-in assistant or whatever this guy is... man...

he supposes he can...start antiquing and buying art again... ]

I'm Akutagawa. Ryuunosuke Akutagawa.

[ the gay one in that idol band, he sings and is rude to people, that guy. ]

And who are you? Chuuya's manager? Housekeeper?

[crudest]

[Baren keeps up decently well with trends - so the name is familiar, even if he probably can't name more than one of Akutagawa's songs off the top of his head.

Though he's more surprised by the questions... and he laughs. Tanuki turns his head at the sound and seems to relax, settling on the floor with a tired 'buguuu' and now making himself a furry, snuffly lump.]

In order: Baren Kaiyou, sort of ['manager' and 'handler' are not the same thing, baren] and sort of.

But I guess the technical term for what I am to him is fiancé.

[hence why he'll pause in his rummaging through the closet to show off the ring on his finger - it's a simple band, but he feels like it illustrates the point well enough??? but he'll also reach over to chuuya's side of the closet to hold out some clothing pieces for akutagawa]

Here - wear these.

[chuuya's gonna look like he just stepped off a runway bc baren's an avant garde fashionable fuck but it's fine]