recolle | (open) prevolt

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WHO: Clover + you
WHERE: All around Recolle, Pesgare, Magatus
WHEN: the first half of April
WHAT: Clover tries her best to keep herself together, but she's ultimately too much of a melodramatic hot mess to do so. If you want to get insulted, come to Magatus.
WARNINGS: ~~None really unless you count that~~ Four is a very extra, terrible person. Violence. Mentions of self-harm.

i. an unwanted new strength (recolle)

a. when one door closes

[ It could be at the grocery store. It could be any building at Recolle Univerity. It could be at the Towers.

Either way, for some reason, Clover is in a rush, and in her hurry, she pushes a door open too hard, and it crashes into the wall hard enough to leave a dent. Or she pulls a door open, and it comes off one of its hinges.

She freezes in her spot. flabbergasted. Her face turns pale. ]

What do I do...?

[ She can't be terrible enough to make this a hit and run, can she? She has to hold herself responsible, but she can't afford these repairs. ]

b. you throw it away

[ Clover has broken one too many doors already, and she can't deal with another one. She's getting desperate. She doesn't want to deal with this anymore. She can't take it anymore. She's done. She can't face the music.

That's why she hides her contraband in her purse, and she dashes (a little too quickly) for the nearest alley. If there's no dumpster, she moves on. When she finds the nearest dumpster, she stops before it. There's obvious hesitance in her movements, but she reaches into her purse and takes out a broken doorknob.

Catch her in the act of running from alley to alley like a suspicious runaway or in the act of throwing away the evidence of her crime? ]

ii. rescuers down under isn't a ghibli movie (pesgare)

[ If a tsunami caused damage, and there are calls for relief services, of course Clover will go. How could she not? How could she look herself in a mirror if she didn't help?

Of course she stays underwater longer than she should. Of course scales develop where they can. The scales covering her hands make her feel hideous. She's helping, but that's what matters, doesn't it?

Instead of a cliff by the sea, Clover can be found at the dam. The problem is instead of using tools like a reasonable person, she's using her bare fists to break it apart, turning them into a bloody mess. If you're nearby and also working on the dam, she'll turn to you, gesturing as if the skin on her her knuckles isn't broken: ]

Will you let me handle that instead?

iii. the upcoming battle (magatus}

[ Despite its cold climate, Magatus usually gives Clover a sense of odd comfort. A curse is not that.

The forest and its whispers immediately take her down. She tries to drown the voices out first by covering her ears and then by her screams. ]

I'M NOT LIKE THAT!

[ Clover can't bear it anymore. Her newfound agility and strength has her climbing a tree in no time. She rips branches from the trunk and hurls them as hard as she can. They crash into nearby trees and slam onto the ground. Leaves and needles that lasted winter flutter to the ground. ]

That's not who I am! I don't want this! I don't want to be that kind of person!

[ Clover can be found in the midst of all her destruction, or she can be found when all her energy is spent.

She'll be curled on the ground with her face covered by her hands, the lurid green light of the curse mark on her forehead shining through her fingers like a beacon.

There's no use hiding all her failures. ]

iv. wild card

[ If there's anything else you'd like to play with, hit me up via PM or at defenestrates! ]

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[ There are two different things Clover is blaming him for- accepting his fate and accepting her. The first is easy to accept because he's had years to come to terms with it, and is making his progress in his own, excruciatingly slow way. The second is also easy, because Clover has always been something of a rock for him, steadfast in her expectations and never letting him slack. For some, this might turn to resentment, but for him, directionless, it was appreciated.

Even now, knowing what little she thinks of him, Minato can see that tough love there— Clover lists out his faults, but refuses to let him give into them and accept it. ]

You're honest, and you don't hold back. You point out my faults so that I can be aware of them, and work on them. You push me instead of coddling me. You're scared of people leaving you, but that doesn't hold you back from saying all these things. 'cause I said I wouldn't leave, and you believed me.

[ He inches closer with every line, stiff and intermittent, but firm, until he stops in front of her. ]

Those sorts of things are admirable. It has nothing to do with being a good person or a horrible one. I don't care about that.

I'm not honest!

[ She's fake. She's so fake. The trees echo that sentiment over and over and over again. How real is she? How genuine is she? She only lets people see what she wants them to see until she breaks and falls apart like this.

Her honesty is loathsome, horrid, and terrible. It only highlights the darkness within her, the parts that could never be loved, the parts that should never be loved. ]

I don't want you to leave me, but I don't want you to stay and see me when I can't hide how ugly I am. I'm so wretched, Minato. All I think about is how better people have it than I do or how worse they have it. All I do is compare and hate myself.

[ Every word that comes out her mouth comes out rawer and more hysterical than the last. ]

I want people to like me. I want people to admire me. I want people to think I'm a good person. I want so much to— I want so much not to—

[ She gasps. She covers her face again.

Suddenly, Minato is too close, too close to her, too close to hearing every little awful thing about her, too close to seeing all there is to her (nothing but envy, nothing but bitterness, nothing but curses). ]

[ If she wasn't honest, she wouldn't be saying all of these things, would she? She would push him away, she would run, she wouldn't tell him these things she must have always kept close and hidden for nobody else to know.

Minato kneels down in front of her, putting himself in the same vulnerable position where neither of them can jump to their feet and run or fight. ]

Clover... I don't think there's anybody in the world who doesn't want to be liked and accepted for themselves. You know how much I don't like myself, for all those reasons that you said. And you know how hard I'm trying to change that. Aren't you doing the same?

[ Being a good person and doing good things... Clover is the sort of person who is tough on people but seem even tougher on herself. It must be exhausting living like that. ]

[ Clover wants desperately to run away, but there's nowhere to go. She's cursed she's cursed she's cursed, and she'll never be free. Honesty should set her free, but it's so hard to admit all of these things. It's clawing her from the inside out, tearing at every defense she's ever had. ]

But you don't hide WHO you are! You just suppress all your emotions. You're more honest that I am, than I'll ever be, because I hate myself when I'm honest.

[ She hates herself even when she isn't honest. Even if she lets her emotions free, she traps all her thoughts. ]

I... I... [ She can't do it. She can't admit seeing how much he hated himself made her feel a little better for short bursts. She can't She can't she can't. ]

I'm not changing because I'm still the same deep, deep down. Even now, I still think you'll leave me if I tell you everything.

[ She's pathetic. She's weak. She's the pitiful one.

She wants to be loved. She wants so much to be loved, for the holes in her heart to be filled, but who could love her at her worst? She can't accept who she is, and she can't expect anyone else to.

Minato's words are only half reaching her because she still can't believe he'd accept her after everything, that he doesn't care about if someone is good or bad, that he'd still love her. There's nothing to love. ]

The person in my memories. She's— she's worse than I am.

[ Hiding who he is is exhausting, living a lie is exhausting-- working towards changing himself is also exhausting, but it gets easier, whereas hiding and lying gets harder and harder to keep up with. In the end, it comes to that, the root of what he is: somebody wishing for an easier life, a peaceful one. Clover is driven by something different, but Minato still can't see that as inherently bad or ugly.

There's a joke he wants to say, about a promise that he won't leave, but then Clover will behead him with one clean swipe. So instead, he listens, watching her falter, reach out with her words, pull herself back in. ]

And you think that person is closer to who you truly are? Your honest self? [ Undeniable proof of a life and the person she could have been. ]

Maybe. Or maybe I am changing and I'm changing to be more like her and I'll be even more reprehensible.

[ Four is Clover but worse, much, much worse—more volatile, more chaotic, more duplicitous. Four doesn't falter when enemy knights call her a monster, call her cruel, or beg for mercy.

She takes a shuddering breath. ]

S-She's a murderer. I don't want to be like her.

[ But how much can she separate herself when she's already like her in so many ways? ]

[ A murderer. "So are you," the voice in Minato's head pipes up after being silent for so long. It was by neglect, Minato thinks back, but that doesn't stop it from being his fault. It doesn't stop him from not wanting to be that same person who simply stood there, letting person after person die right at his feet, even if he didn't have a direct hand in it.

That's him. It's him when he doesn't care. But it doesn't have to be him. ]

Everybody has their reasons, what drives them to do what they do. You don't... hate people, Clover. Maybe parts of people, things they could do better, but not people in their entirety. That's what it takes to murder: a reason. One you suddenly remember doesn't necessarily hold any weight.

Are you sure?

[ She sounds so weak, so defeated. She wants to believe him. She wants to accept what he's saying. He's trying so hard to help her, and she doesn't want to turn him away. Does she really not hate the whole of people?

You hate that people are so much better than you, that people have it better than you. ]

I envy people so much, Minato. I envy you, too. I hate that I can't accept people for what they are, that I can't accept me for what I am, as is, no qualifiers.

[ This honesty breaks her, and it's one sentiment she hate the most to admit. This is the truth that gnaws away at her the most, that makes her turn on people the most. ]

[ Can you hate somebody you envy? Can you envy somebody you pity? Is what Clover says really how she feels? He doesn't know the answer to these things, and can't do anything but continue denying that she's wrong. Silence is acquiescence and as much as he wants to, he can't do that here— on the other hand, he can't be the one to continue saying "You're wrong." It's got to be Clover. She has to say it and believe it and mean it for it to really matter, and he can't-

"You're giving up."

Shut up. He won't. ]

But you will someday. That's what you're working so hard towards, isn't it? To become somebody you can be proud of.

[ Her desperate goal to be moral, to be righteous, to be good, successful, a model student— all of that is so she can look back on herself and not be ashamed, so she can look back and feel like she did something that was worth something, so others can look at her and think that, too. Has she ever been good? Has she ever been useful? Has she ever helped? She wants to be that person. Minato implies she can be that person, but... ]

Can I? Will I? I want to. I want to be that kind of person. I want to be someone I like, someone I'm proud of. I want to be someone that'll make my sisters proud.

[ Above all, if it's something that will save her, it should be her love for her sisters, her sisters' love for her.

It should be her love for herself, but she can't see that happening. When her own parents couldn't love her...

No. Her parents don't matter. ]

I want to make you proud, too. Will you be proud of me? Even after knowing what I'm like?

[ Her voice is plaintive, her eyes beseeching. She holds out a trembling, torn up hand towards Minato, and the curse mark on her forehead flickers. ]

I already am.

[ How could he be anything but proud? seeing her like this, and seeing how much she wants to change herself even if she desperately thinks she cannot. It's hard to accept the worst of yourself; Minato knows this, despite how easy it is for him. ]

If it's something you want, I know you'll make it happen. And I'll do everything I can to help make it happen to.

[ If it's taking her hand, he'll do it, her hand in both of his, the arm's length in between them that he closes with a step and a half— I'm proud of you, I believe in your, I love you- words he doesn't say, he expresses with arms around her shoulder, a brief hug. ]

... Oh.

[ She's stunned into simplicity. All her complex thoughts are blown away. Even after admitting all those damning truths, Minato doesn't hate her. After she dropped a tree branch on him, he still doesn't think she's detestable. After she called him pitiable, he still thinks there's good in her.

Tears well up in her eyes. Her shoulders shake, and as her eyes shut and she presses her forehead against Minato in that brief hug, the vivid green of her curse vanishes.

Maybe this is all she needed, someone to forgive her for how she really is.

Maybe she won't disappoint him someday. Maybe he really won't abandon her like she's always thought. ]

I'm sorry. [ A breath's pause. ] Thank you.

[ It's that simple. He tries not to overcomplicate things— he doesn't hate, and he thinks it's easier to accept than to refuse, which is why his own curse never really took a hold over him, abating silently all the while he's talking to Clover because the words he says to her are all things he means for himself as well.

Things will get better. It'll be fine. ]

Mm. You're welcome.

[ Clover loves Minato. She's never felt so sure about it until now.

She's meant it every time she told him before, but almost every time she told him, it's never been said purely for the sake of saying it, to let him know. It's either part apology, part because of worry, or part because of fear. If he knows she loves him, he'll be less likely to leave her. That's always been in the back of her mind. That's why she's been so much freer telling him she loves him even if she's made it sound casual (it never is). She wants "I love you" to lock him to her, lock him into her heart.

But now she wants to tell him I love you just because it's true. That's why she doesn't say it.

She clears her throat as she pulls away from him. ]

I... should make an attempt to clear the mess I made. [ At least gather all the broken branches into one pile. ] You don't have to help.

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