recolle | Closed: Just a talk

Entry tags:

attack on titan: eren jaeger

Closed: Just a talk

WHO: Andrew Hughes and Eren Jaeger
WHERE: The Tea Kettle
WHEN: 03/09, after this conversation.
WHAT: A conversation.
WARNINGS: Completely made up 'military doing wrong things to prisoners' stuff: no disrespect meant. Potentially Attack on Titan-typical warnings, just in case.

[ Andrew has had time to overthink this, and overthinking it again, but even with many reasons to withhold the information, it wouldn't be fair to not answer at all.

So he's planning on keeping things as vague as he can. Nobody deserves to have their confidence in a good thing get stomped on because of a few bad seeds, he knows, and he'll do his best to not ruin Eren's belief in his commitment single-handedly.

He takes the time until their meeting to make sure that the reins are tight around his still-simmering anger, and shows up slightly early, to make sure they have a booth with as much privacy as the place can afford. When Eren shows up, he'll even give the teen a smile. ]

Hey.

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[ eren’s— well, he doesn’t look distraught, neither devastated. just . . . thoughtful, perhaps, since the moment he’s entered the place to find andrew in a preffered spot, isolated from the rest of the establishment’s movement.

there are plenty of things on his mind, none having to do with the air force specifically, there were no problems. it was still the same. maybe . . . he’s the one who’s changed a little inside, and maybe he just needs to get some thoughts out on the table. hear himself out loud and hear a voice that wasn’t his own. it would help. once he finds him, he greets the older man with a nod, more reserved than his usual composure, sliding into his side of the bunk. ]

Order yet?

[ Andrew's face softens a little - he is glad to see Eren, despite where the conversation will go - and he shakes his head, handing over the card. ]

Picked mine, though, so go ahead.

[ card between his fingers, he asks for a creamy cocoa blend to bring to the table, pushing any cat-themed menus off to the edge of their seats. right before their waiter leaves, eren changes his mind, asking for a side of a dozen chocolate chip mini mewffins while he’s at it. ]

That’s for both of us.

[ even if he’ll probably eat, like. all of it and more by himself. ]

[ Well, the addition to the order makes Andrew's mouth twitch a little, his eyes easing up for a moment. He'll join that with at least a couple of those.

But when they are left on their own, the humor leaves his face and he leans back, just a little. ]

When I said there's not much of a story that I can tell you... It's not something I want to commit to writing. Not even as private and odd as the app may be.

[ That's... an apology. Andrew is not exactly the person most fond of deceptions. Nor is he very, ah, circumspect. Unless he absolutely has to be. ]

And, heads up. You might prefer that I hadn't told you. Your call - we can definitely catch up on other stuff instead.

[ eren gets it and immediately starts shaking his head. he knew andrew wasn’t the type to play deception, and even through text, he . . . he had a feeling, if he could explain it as such, especially when he brought up meeting somewhere instead of cutting the topic short completely.

he’s cautious; eren doesn’t judge him for that. that was his call. as for the second part, well. time to turn that train around before it hits the buffer. ]

It’s not what’s going to make me decide on anything— But let me go first.

[ to prove it. the last thing eren wants is mr. hughes feeling responsible for any choice he makes, influenced or otherwise. eren looks at his hands, on the table’s surface and thinks. ]

For the first time in my life, I doubted really wanting to serve. [ another pause, and he presses his lips firmly together. ] And I don’t know how to feel about that.

[ Andrew stills for a moment, eyes steady on the young man in front of him. He swallows, then. Doesn't sigh. ]

The memories?

[ Because it's not fear. He knows what that looks like, and he's pretty sure Eren wouldn't be wondering what to feel, then. Not like this.

But if he can remember battlefields without having actually - in this reality - done any fighting, that must be so much worse. Obse0ving only, with the powerlessness of the whole thing only highlighted. ]

[ eren raises one shoulder, waits a moment to respond. it’s all . . . new, and sudden, and somewhat confusing to comprehend. was he overreacting? was he worrying over nothing, or was the concern warranted? he doesn’t know for sure yet, blowing at the steam that rises from his cup once their drinks are served. ]

I started turning into something I didn’t want to at some point. [ from what he’s getting. and to repeat what his other self had said: ] No one willingly wants to go to war. We’re forced into it.

But the Air Force . . . Was the only thing I ever thought about.

[ “was” is the keyword. ]

And I don’t know if I’m mixing things up or what.

[ Andrew shakes his head. ]

What I know is that here, there is a choice, and you shouldn't try to serve when it isn't what you want, or need, to do. 's why in this country at least, and at this time, there's no obligatory military service. You go in, you better have your mind all in the game, not double-guessing yourself, or those who're supposed to have your back.

What I've got won't help with the latter.

[ either go hard or go home. eren was very much that way of life in everything he did, but honestly— for the first time, it sort of spooked him. the sudden onset of doubt has shrouded his firmness with worry. he didn’t plan for any of this. he had no other dream, especially now when it felt like the only one he had was crumbling. ]

What happened?

[ still, eren stays true to wanting to hear it. he didn’t care. maybe he had to hear it. ]

[ He looks down for a moment, then around, then back at Eren, voice going - just low enough that it can be heard across the distance between them, not much more. But, well. If things are going to change with knowledge, might as well put it out here. ]

On my last tour, I found something... really wrong going on. Not like with money, but with people. I tried to get that looked into, because that's... the military can be better, can do better. But ...

I guess I ran into the wrong people with the inquiry. It was either them burying the evidence so any looking into the situation wouldn't find much, or me keeping quiet and getting discharged. With evidence that those people're at least still alive.

[ ... no, saying it out loud doesn't make it any less horrific, or him feel any less cowardly about what he chose. Cowardly, helpless, like he's part of it. ]

[ . . . it was a really tough situation, and it was really hard to point any sort of fingers at being a coward. eren briefly gazed across the table before his eyes fall. he had two options then, realistically: if you run, you’ll get caught. if you stay, you’ll get eaten. ] Is that still happening?

[ Andrew clenches his jaw and looks away. ]

I'm trying to find a way to reliably expose it from the outside of the system. Without getting anyone killed. It's... not as easy as one may think.

[ Hence the looking into going back to school. He can't write, so journalism in that form is out of the question, but there's got to be something. ]

[ this is something huge. he never imagined it, but— perhaps in earlier times, eren would’ve been more shocked. his reaction was surprise, certainly, but more than that was the startled and even further lifted respect he has for this man.

this story wasn’t a deciding factor for his decision, when he were to make it. after a sharp inhale, he speaks up. ]

. . . There’re always going to be shitheads in masks. Wherever you go. [ and then, he gestures forward, to andrew. ] The same way there’re people they’ll never compare to.

[ his lips twitch, the beginnings of a smile that leave as quick as it came. they straighten back into a thin line with serious eyes, taking a sip at his drink. ]

You’re still moving forward, Mr. Hughes. That’s all that matters. [ and with a short pause: ] I will, too. Wherever it takes me.

[ What Andrew expected: How could you leave those people like that? What Andrew got: The same way there're people they'll never compare to. What Andrew got: You're still moving forward.

And, no, even braced as he is, even as certain as he is that he has failed people who deserved better of him, he left them to suffer and is living comfortably here? He can't miss what Eren is saying. Not nearly blinded enough by himself to do so.

Andrew blinks over at him, his frown deepening a little, but some of the tension slowly leeching out of his shoulders. ]

Eren...

Yeah. Forward's a good way to go. [ Mini-muffin. That's. That's what this moment calls for. Andrew shakes his head at himself, and reaches for one. ] I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're not wrong.

[ Because even if he's been focused on the way to go back for those he had to leave, it has nothing to do with retracing his steps. It's about finding a new path, one that people won't be able to knock him off of that easily, and one on which he can help others, too. At least that's the best case scenario, but - upset as he has been about it all - Andrew knows that he has to have that, too. To keep moving.

Eren, on the other hand...

Andrew leans forward, his attention focusing firmly on the present. Enough of the past that he is helpless to change. From people he's helpless to save. ]

I don't know firsthand what it's like to realize that something you've wanted for a long time is no longer something that works for you that way. But I can say this - the very fact that you're aware of it means that even if you don't know yet what to do exactly? Chances are that 'wherever' will be somewhere you're proud of being.

[ That doesn't help much now. But Andrew can't quite offer an opinion on the options until Eren at least gets an idea what the options are. ]

[ eren nods at first; of course he hadn’t left those people behind, not completely. sometimes you just can’t go in headfirst into things. you get people killed like that, including yourself. sometimes you had to play. sometimes you had to be smart instead of completely moved by the heart.

and andrew isn’t wrong here, either. eren listens with full attention, even leaning over into his seat as well. it wasn’t an answer, but as if he were really here for those— he had just wanted some talk, direction, and maybe some outside support. hearing that it’s going to be alright from someone else’s mouth, as well as accepting . . . they were truly the things eren needed now. ]

I’ll find what it is. [ and after taking a muffin himself: ] I don’t want to tell Elliot until I’m sure, though. Or anyone else.

But you’ll be the first to know.

[ Andrew ... is aware that a year ago, his reaction might have been different. Then again, not too different. People's minds and hearts change. It is honorable for them to complete their commitments, but it is also very honorable to disengage before those changes affect one's actions. To be honest with oneself, and act accordingly.

And with the additional information, with everything else that is happening and remembered in this city...

Yes. Validation and support, that's what he can offer, and it's freely given, with Andrew's reason backing up his emotions. Good thing, since the latter can be all over the place, unchecked. ]

You don't have to prioritize me, though I do appreciate the thought. [ Andrew's smile is small, but - almost unexpected to him - real. And it's fond. ]

Do you have any thoughts at all? Even the things that you're definitely not gonna try?

[ man . . . you got him on that one. eren almost seems to wince as he tries to think about it. but that’s exactly why! nothing comes up— absolutely nothing. ]

I don’t know. I only started thinking about it now . . . [ but, he’ll give it some impromptu thought. starting with the don’ts. eren rubs the back of his head as he leans back. ] Dad wanted me to be a doctor, but rejecting that was what got me kicked out.

[ for lack of better wording. the deal was: if you don’t choose a good career, I’m not going to pay a cent for you, including living costs— you have total knowledge to manage yourself. the answer, once he got his savings piled and hit eighteen: fine. ]

Mom’s a nurse, everyone else doctors . . . [ he shakes his head. ] But I know that’s not it. I just can’t see it.

Sorry. [ Softly. ] Didn't mean to put you on the spot. Hmm.

[ Andrew laughs, slightly and not very full of mirth, and leans a little back, almost but not quite reaching up to rub the back of his head. ]

If it helps, it took me months before I could come up with something that I can use to... Go back for those people. And I'm still wondering if it's really the way there or self-indulgent. But I know I'd better start doing something. You've got a bit more leeway, I think.

[ eren shakes his head, because he’ll figure something out, but— oh.

something very interesting. ]

What did you choose?

Ah...

[ Deep breath. It seems so damn frivolous to just say photography, so he starts with the thought process which made at least some sense. ]

The only path that seems to make any sense to me is ... investigative journalism. And I don't write anywhere near decently, let alone well enough for this. But I do have an old camera from my parents...

[ ... nope. Still sounds frivolous. ]

[ . . . oh HE SEES THAT STALLING and kicks his chair leg! even if he might know what it is, but!! ]

C’mon, say it.

[ Blink. Blink blink. And Andrew actually. Relaxes a little. Smile. Eren being playful is probably the best option. ]

Photography, with as much of investigative journalism as I can get away with. I'm not looking for a career, just... enough substance to make my findings credible.

Edited 2018-04-16 10:42 (UTC)

[ eren’s expression softens into something admiring. it’s— virtuous, especially because of why he’s doing it. he hopes he can find something as deserving for him some day, but for now? now andrew gets spotlight. ]

You’ll do great, Mr. Hughes.

[ It took Andrew months to think of this and talk himself that he could make it work. So Eren not thinking of something right off the bat, or even after a few days, isn't bad. Andrew has faith.

And the focus ... well, it may well be on both of them.

As to the words... ]

Thanks. [ Beat. ] But you're going to be giving me pep talks, you really may call me Andrew, you know.

[ d-doki

like, RESPECTABLE DOKIS. eren reels back some in surprise before his smile cracks sheepishly. he has so much respect, it’s almost difficult to say. but!!! ]

Andrew.

[ his huffy laugh is even milder. goodness. ]

Don’t think I ever called you by first name.

[ It was HIGH TIME, though Eren's brightness just...

It makes Andrew smile right back, and he nods. ]

Thank you. And no, I don't think you have, but I'd like it if you keep doing it.

[ Andrew gives a small shrug as he tries to put into words what he means, and the best he can come up with is, ] the respect goes both ways.

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Closed: Just a talk

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