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persona 5: akira kurusu

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WHO: Akira Kurusu and Kei Shigaraki. Shouto Todoroki and Kei Shigaraki (& Baren Kaiyou bring Chuuya Nakahara, maybe?).
WHERE: RAMEN restaurant, walking the streets.
WHEN: March 10th.
WHAT: Fallout of Yukine's death.
WARNINGS: None.

CLOSED: AFTERNOON. THE HIEROPHANT SOCIAL LINK OPENS. ( Akira Kurusu )

Welcome back, Akira.

[ He offers a small wave as he sees a familiar face. ] Or should I simply say "welcome" since you are entering my shop. [ His head turns as he chuckles at nothing in particular. The afternoon lull has hit the restaurant; he won't be seeing anyone for an hour or so. ] I thought I would see your -- [ Kei steps out from the kitchen to continue with his repertoire with the young man before pausing to look at him. ]

... a seventy-five percent discount seems more than fair today. But I can't say that I'm pleased about having to give out such a cut in prices. [ Despite the joke, his tone is calm, serious. He breathes in slow as he reminds himself of what he has come to realize about himself. Why did you come here, Akira? You came while I am still myself, I won't deny it. The obligations that I feel I owe you are one that I shall ask to help you, but you should have chosen better. ]

What's happened?

CLOSED: EVENING/NIGHT. PENANCE. ( Shouto Todoroki )

[ The first day that Shouto came to work, Kei felt a weight so heavy that his chest actually hurt for most of the afternoon. However, since the teenager was present, he was not going to allow the time Shouto was using to be wasted. He sent him to work (busing tables, collecting dishes, running the till -- and honestly with how Kei manages money, it is a blessing to have someone else do it). Kei felt it was the least he could do to help someone drowning in uncertainty about their future.

Yet when he was wishing him goodbye, Kei could only think: I hope you found this entire experience to be dull and boring. I hope you hated it so much that you will not come back tomorrow.

And so, on March 10th, Kei actually feels a sense of relief when Shouto did not show up. He does not contact him, and instead busies himself with his restaurant. You probably got busy with something for your mother, hm? In short, he sees no reason to remind the young man that he should be at the shop. He cannot hope that Shouto forgets to come in, and remind him of his obligation in the same breath, after all.

The day came to a close with only a small incident in the afternoon. I should not call it an incident when someone comes asking me for help, but it certainly feels like it. Most of the cleaning is finished; ingredients put away for tomorrow. Register mostly balanced -- a miracle in and of itself; Shouto probably did a better job the day before. Kei feels things are acceptable. Lights off, door locked, he turns to head home only to find Shouto standing a few feet from the now closed door. ]

Oh. [ His shoulders drop. ] You need not feel guilty about not coming into work. You must have gotten wrapped up in something important, which makes sense to me. And anyway, I was in no dire straits. [ I would rather only exist in this space without upsetting your life, and hope you come to forget me. He steps forward, pocketing his keys as he offers a smile. The smile fades slightly as he feels a heavy burden surrounding the young man. ]

Shouto?

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[The first day of work was fine. There's a quiet enjoyment in doing all the things Kei sent him to work doing. It's not a busy restaurant, but that suits him just fine. As far as he's concerned, it's a great way to earn some money to keep Mom and himself fed and clothed. It's honest work.

By noon, somebody called him about Yukine's death. He left home, he started walking. That's what people are supposed to do when they can't sort their feelings out, right? Go for a walk.

Except he can't sort them out. The things that rattle through his head aren't helping anybody, least of all him. He can't go back, he can't change time. His boyfriend is dead and he should have done something. But what could he have done, really? It's not fair.

It's late when he finally makes it to Kei's store, thoughtless and automatic. It's almost funny. He's only come here a few times before, but his subconscious clearly believes Kei is the best person to go to.

"Cry as much as you want. I won't judge you and I won't tell anyone." Maybe that's all it really took. There's no reason to lie to Kei. He won't judge him and he gives good advice. Shouto doesn't know what to do with grief like this.

Still, it takes him a reply, head still buzzing with thoughts. So much of what he said hit on deaf ears. He finally responds to his name.]

M... My boyfriend died yesterday.

[ Kei feels himself clench his hands into fists at his sides. Not enough to draw blood, but he feels the bite of his nails in his palms. He feels tested -- and wonders if it is because of a few days prior that he talks of his resolve for penance. His chest feels tight as he looks over Shouto's anguish. And yet I feel nothing. A beat. And yet I feel nothing that matters. He rewords his thought carefully, because he does feel something in seeing his misery, but he tells himself it is of little worth.

If he lies to himself, he'll become more aware of his own deficiency. ]

I see. [ Why did you come to me, Shouto? What have I done to have you believe so much in me? Whatever it is, it is only your warped perception. He looks him over with a critical eye -- If I have him walk with me, he won't be able to hold himself up for much longer. I should have him sit, but he may not be able to rise. Both options will lead to stress, but only one will be temporarily helpful. ]

Let's have you sit down. [ Kei will figure out how to move him later. Already, he is taking the keys back out of his pocket to unlock the front door of the restaurant. ] Rest assured, I won't make you anything. [ The thought occurred to him, but he knows it won't be eaten. It will be stirred and watched; it may have a few bites out of respect for him, but it would be a waste and offer no comfort to Shouto beyond something else he has to focus on.

The door opens and he turns on the lights. ] Take a seat wherever you like. Though, the booth might be more comfortable than the stools at the counter.

[It's all an imitation of care and affection, but to the starving it must seem real.

Shouto doesn't need it to be real, he can't tell the difference between imitation and the real thing. He has his mother, he has always had his mother. But that still means there's a lack of fatherly affection in his life.

Kei, without meaning to, has filled that hole. Even if it's not anything real, the gesture is enough for him.

He follows Kei back into the restaurant, voice still in knots. He seats himself at the booth and frowns at the table.

What did he want from coming here?]

... Sorry.

[For what? For being here now? For missing work? For needing support so often?]

There's no need to apologize. I should be the one apologizing.

[ For many reasons.

He rests his hand on the table first but decides to remain standing. If his legs start to hurt, he may drag the stool to come sit next to him, but he decides standing is fine. No. Kei breathes out something pained as he kneels down to be next to Shouto instead. What am I to do with you? Who could I give you to that can watch over you? But I cannot be an advocate of choice and take away all of yours. ]

I did not check on you when you did not show up. I should have known that something had happened and ensured that you were all right. [ Clenching his fist at his side, he feels the illness settle around his throat and shoulders. Guilt once more tearing into his back as it tells him what he is giving is poison. ] You don't consider it wrong to be here, and so there's nothing to apologize for in being here. [ Kei doesn't say, can't say: "there is nothing wrong with you being here," because it is a lie. ]

Anything I say is an excuse for not protecting you, and I am sorry. [ This is more true than Shouto will come to know right now. ]

[Shouto closes his eyes, rubs at his face. Those words don't sit quite right, he should say something, shouldn't he?]

How were you supposed to know? It could've been anything. [How was Shouto supposed to know without that phone call? That's impossible. Death shouldn't be the first thing on anybody's mind, let alone Kei's.

He wishes it was something as simple as getting caught up in a school project. That would at least be normal. Was it Retrospec related? No, it was just a criminal. They weren't even on the app as far as he knows.]

You can't protect me from death. It's... It's something that happens to everybody. Eventually.

[Why did it have to happen to Yukine now? It's not fair.

Life hasn't been fair to him for a long, long time. Is this some kind of cosmic balancing for finally getting out of his father's home? He can recognize those thoughts as ridiculous and selfish, but that doesn't stop him from thinking them.]

That doesn't matter. I should still have checked on you. [ Who is looking after you? Kei had already come to the conclusion that whoever watches over Shouto is doing so in a clumsy manner. No more clumsy than me, however. It remains the problem of how strong he seems on his own, that it looks like solid ice -- no one sees that he's actually made of glass. ]

I can't protect you, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't attempt to try. [ He hears how his knuckles crack when he flexes his fingers. Swallowing, he feels a lump in his throat. His thoughts remain less vicious, however. They don't seek out the weaknesses in Shouto to tear them open to be exposed. Isn't that because he is already weak? You don't have to do anything at all. His chin drops as he flinches.

This is the poison that I infected you with, and I do not know how to bleed you of it. He runs his hand through his hair, pushing his bangs out of his face. They only fall back, but it helps to sort out his thoughts. Guilt for the past and guilt for the present will not help Shouto now. Redemption comes from one's actions and not from merely choking on the shame. ]

It doesn't mean anything when people say that death isn't permanent to those on the app. It is merely something that we tell ourselves so that if it happens it will not hurt. But it's only a convenient lie. Of course, it would hurt. Of course, you would feel powerless. Of course, you would be unable to make sense of the situation. [ His head shakes. ] These things are obvious and yet easily forgotten. What you are feeling is normal...

[ A beat. ] ... but you didn't do anything wrong.

None of it was your fault.

[It's been happening more often, people checking on him, making sure he's fine. But he's used to going without that. He's not going to show his mother where all his weak spots are when she should be worried more for herself right now. There's so much she can't tell her anyway, since she's not even on the app.

Shouto lets himself be weak around Kei because he said it was allowed. He won't be judged if he ends up crying or if he admits feelings he hates. To him, it's safe alone with Kei.

He struggles with Kei's words. He still feels like he should have done something. Right now, he's not a hero, but that other him was working toward it. How can he call himself that if he can't even protect one person? The word "hero" feels heavy in his thoughts.

Did his "other" ever feel something so heavy? Did he lose somebody he loved like this?]

I still feel like I have.

[Because it's true. Kei is probably right about it. But his feelings aren't so easily dealt with.]

Don't console me. Not when you are like this.

[ You're the one that should be consoled. But you've always consoled your mother, didn't you? And so you do not know what to do with someone who has fault in how they're treating you. You'll pardon me, but I have not done anything worth it. He keeps his words firm rather than harsh. His tone carefully chosen. It's easy to choose when one is indifferent to the situation before him.

Guilt and shame may rest upon him heavily, but his other emotions are distant. He remains rational and calm, because he has no connection to the feelings that Shouto is feeling. His common sense tells him to not smile, and he hates to tell himself that he should not be smiling. The shame continues to twist inside his stomach. I am not beyond salvation. Kei tells himself once more and keeps his expression neutral. ]

You can't protect anyone from death. [ He returns the words. ] If you will allow me to tell you a story... of how my father passed away. My father grew very ill. He knew that the debt for having him be in the hospital would be too much for me, so he decided to instead stay home. I dropped out of finishing my clinicals in order to care for him, using everything that I knew. I devoured books to attempt to ease his pain, tend to his sickness, but nothing worked. Of course, nothing worked.

[ Kei realizes that he sounded like a doting, loving son, but that isn't it. His father was dying; he felt he should try to save the life of someone who loved him. He felt that he should put on a show for his father that worried constantly for him. Yet in the end, his father was not comforted by what he did. He saw through the mimicry of love. Unlike the boy before me. ] He refused medical treatment to the end, and passed away. There was nothing I could have done. [ And he felt relief when his father finally died. But he need not mention that fact to a grieving teenager. ]

That's why I say... you will feel like you could have done more. And perhaps, you could have done everything right. You could have done everything as you should have, and still, his life would be lost. It is not your fault that it happened. Do you understand? Sometimes, nothing will save a person. [ He hopes that will not be true for the both of them. ]

Edited 2018-03-10 23:33 (UTC)

[Even if he says Shouto isn't supposed to console him, it's what he's used to doing. Something normal to somehow offset the way his life has been thrown off balance. He'll stop himself from trying again.

Some people have had enough love in their lives that they can properly recognize a mimicry. The attention Shouto was given from his father was hardly that. He was more tool than child to his father, and that's how it was. Shouto's feelings didn't matter and so he didn't have to be consoled. Kei, however, has done that for him.

He listens to the story. That's right, Kei left medical school to tend to his father. They weren't close, but he still did everything he could. Shouto doubts he'd even try for his own.

All of that makes sense. Reasonably. Logically. That's how it is. He doesn't have that large of an affect on the world and trying to pin it on himself is foolish.]

You're right. I know you are.

[But it still hurts.]

Knowing I am right and accepting there was nothing that could be done ... are two different things.

[ Kei can hear the hurt woven into the words. His head tilts as he listens to it, and bites the inside of his cheek. There is much that he could say to Shouto to drag him down into absolute despair. I refuse. The warming in his chest, he calls it to be that he can help rather than what it is. A darker whisper slides over the guilt. I can help. Only when one falls completely can they realize how broken they are.

He narrows his eyes. But Shouto is not broken. There are fracturing across, but he is not yet shattered. Fractures take longer to heal than a clean break. Then, he will take longer to heal. The black slides -- only intrusive thoughts rather than his own thoughts. He breathes out a sigh of relief that he can tell the difference; it is not like having a split personality. It is not like hearing Kirei Kotomine's voice. No, it is only his own thoughts that layer over themselves on what he should do.

And that is worse. It is as Ai says; do not chase after what he finds even in his own head. It is addicting and dangerous. The thoughts reek of rot yet there is something sweet beneath them. He dismisses them completely, absolutely. He tears them out of his heart and they quiet somewhere in the emptiness inside of him. ]

This is difficult for me to tell you, but forgive yourself, Shouto. Forgive yourself for these imagined wrongs. [ Opening and closing his mouth, he continues: ] Your loved one. If you died, would you want him to feel as you do now? Would this sight make you happy upon the face of the one that you love? [ That's right. You love someone. You love someone and so you'll eventually understand the imitation that I am giving you. He feels a sense of relief settling upon him, as he comes to this realization. You'll come to see it with your own eyes, and cease believing in a lie created in desperation. ]

No, you wouldn't. So what would you say to him?

[They're drastically different things. One of them is logic and the other one is feelings. And feelings have never been as logical or rational as they should be. (There's a brief pang for Aizawa.)

Kei's inner thoughts are lost on him. He's never been able to read other people's thoughts or feelings. It's much easier when people are direct. So what Kei says, Shouto is willing to believe is true. Or at least the truth as Kei sees it.

If he had died in Yukine's place he'd... well he wouldn't be around to say anything would he? But he forces himself to go through the thought process.]

You're right. [Because Kei has always given good advice.] Of course I don't want him to feel like this. And I know this wouldn't make me happy.

I don't know what I could say. He'd be frustrated and angry. It's not fair for me to tell him to calm down. It's only been a day and he's only learned recently. But it's not his fault. It was just the wrong time and the wrong place. The only person to blame is the one who killed me.

[He knows that's true.]

Correct. The only person to blame is the one who did the act. Not Yukine. Not bystanders. Not yourself.

[ Kei breathes in deep. ] But that is once more a logical thing to know. [ This is why Kei is awful at comforting others; he only thinks rationally, logically. He thinks so far beyond emotions, because of his inability to empathize with others. The sympathy he feels sometimes is muted, at best; it is just the shadow of what real sympathy could be. ]

Would you not tell him that you love him? [ His head cocks, musing aloud. I am going to do something I am not good at. I am going to talk about feelings. Forgive the clumsiness of this attempt, but consider it the poor bandages around your fragile state until someone can say better. ] Yes, you would say that you love him, and that you're sorry. His response would be that you did nothing wrong. You'd apologize again, in the face of his frustration and anger.

[ He smiles in a wry way. ] So instead, why not simply talk about love, and thank him for loving you so much that it hurt to part? Thank him for simply for those warm, fragile feelings? Thank him for even allowing you to share in such? [ Kei, in his mind, peels apart the idea of romance. He sees the bleeding heart of it all and focuses on how it shudders under excessive stress. ] You have only had your mother for a long time. You've now found someone that causes actually heartache for you.

There is no reason to be happy that he is gone. I would not be so callous as to ask you to find joy in it. [ His head shakes off the idea, even he would not think he is so cruel. ] But I am saying... it has been but a day and you will have your heartache and chill within your soul. You will have your sorrow and your anguish. You are allowed all these things, because it means that you have loved. And so... you have something to say to him when you do finally see him, again.

Not simply a welcome back, but thanking him. [ For allowing a hurt to come to exist within you when you thought no other hurt could exist. ]

[Logic. Rationality. Less emotions. He misses Aizawa all over again. But the fact that Kei approaches things from the same way means he's comforting.

It's not entirely true that Yukine is the only person he's loved. Romantically, he's had crushes on other people. When it came to familial bonds, he was starting to open up to Aizawa before he dropped off of the app.

But Yukine is the first and longest romantic relationship he's managed to have. Six months and Yukine dies the month of their sixth anniversary. Even if they had broken up, that would have hurt too. Just not in the same sad, stinging way as Yukine's death.

He turns so he's facing Kei and presses his face into his shoulder. Shouto doesn't do more than that, he doesn't cry he doesn't wrap his arms around him. He just rests his face there and lets himself lay boneless.]

... Okay.

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