recolle | If you'd just take the time, to look me in the eyes

If you'd just take the time, to look me in the eyes

WHO: Ayano Tateyama and Naoto Shirogane
WHERE: Naoto's Apartment!
WHEN: Sunday, January 21st
WHAT: What happens when the person you liked isn't the person you thought they were? But what happens when you still like them afterwards?
WARNINGS: Feelings...

[Honesty is what this is all about. After all, how could she not be honest with Naoto for all her prattling on about it earlier. Ayano doesn't exactly know how she feels but...talking about it is the best way, right? Honesty is the best policy?

She'd gotten Naoto to agree to allow her over to chat, though she had been rather vague as to what. Now, she's settled in on Naoto's couch with her, looking...bashful, to say the least––playing with the hem of her socks.]

Hey, um...

Can I ask you kind of a weird question?

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[One of the things this whole situation-- and the advice from her friends-- had impressed upon her most of all was that she needed to stop having quite so many emotional walls between her and people. She'd kept everyone at a distance, fearful of them finding her secret.

Now that last part isn't theoretically a problem anymore. But she's still working on the first.

Having people over to just "hang out" is a good enough start. They're down in the small living room with some mindless program on the TV, Kanji curled up in the corner. She looks over at Ayano.] Of course. What is it?

[A sheepish smile as she plunges headlong into the fucking abyss. If she thinks too much, she'll pull back, so she doesn't think at all.]

You've never dated anyone, right?

[Ah.

Naoto hasn't forgotten the conversation that spurred it all, of course. Ayano's feelings for her... her mind immediately drifts back to that.

But, she supposes, perhaps it's not fair to assume she'd still have the same mindset. After all, Naoto's letter had admitted she isn't good with emotions or relationships, and there was no reason to believe she'd still be attracted to women.

So, she decides that Ayano is bringing it up for platonic trying-to-bond reasons, because for someone so smart, she sure can be dumb. She shakes her head, reaching up to scratch the front of her short hair.] No, never. I never really had the opportunity.

I've always been, ah, I suppose you could say somewhat aloof? And after moving here, well... there was the obvious matter.

[It's a thin veil, isn't it? No––no! No thinking!

It cute when Naoto touches her hair like that, though...

Okay, now no thinking!]

That's what I thought, um, no offense, of course!

I just...

Have you ever like...wanted to?

None taken. I suppose I'm relatively easy to read, in that way. [She says, with a little shrug.]

I can't honestly say I've ever given it much thought. Ever since I was, you know, old enough to, my mind was always somewhere else. On my schoolwork, on my work at the precinct, on keeping up appearances... I never really thought about it.

[She sighs, softly.] As I said in the letter, I don't know if I'd be any good at it, really.

[Honesty is a new feeling.]

You never know until you try, but...I can understand that. Everyone is different...

[Um.]

. . .

Do you think it's weird? That I...liked you like that?

[She looks at Ayano, and gives her a smile that she hopes is reassuring.] I don't know that I'd say that it's... weird, per se.

I do-- did-- think it a little strange, in that I don't consider myself particularly, er, likable in that manner? [She admits.] But I suppose we don't really know how other people see us, after all.

It's a bit hard to get close to you.

So...I'm certain a lot of people admire you from afar. I did. I thought you were cute even before the first time we talked on the network...Ahaha...

[ugh.]

...Does it make you feel awkward to be sitting with me, now?

I'll grant that it's possible, certainly. I've just never really viewed myself as the sort of person who people might develop feelings for.

[She shakes her head.

Though being called cute does turn her ears pink.] I don't feel awkward. What you told me doesn't change our friendship in the slightest.

[Though... she's trying to be more considerate of others.] Does it make you feel awkward?

No, but...

[Gulp. Her eyes waver from Naoto, returning briefly to her socks. It's so hard. If she could, she'd just stop talking now, but she's really, really forcing herself. Better now than to draw this out. Better to put it all out there than to be wondering "what if".

"What you told me doesn't change our friendship"

Yeah...friendship.]

There is something.

That makes me feel a little awkward.

[Okay.

Naoto's oblivious about matters of the heart, and she knows it. But the way Ayano averts her eyes, and that slightly ominous line about something that makes her feel awkward...

...Naoto had assumed that she'd moved on after finding out her real gender. But if she hadn't?]

I'm sorry to hear that.

[Boy, that sounds so stuffy and informal. She tries again.] Is there anything I can do? Is there something that we can... fix?

[Ayano's expression turns...a bit disappointed. She knows she's obvious, but...]

Eh?

You aren't even going to ask me what it is?

[Her cheeks are growing warm now as she again reaches up to scratch the front of her hair.

It's what she does when she's not wearing a cap to tug down over her face.] No, I-- I thought that if you wanted to tell me, you'd tell me, and-- and so it would maybe be better to go to what we could do about it-- ah...

...was I wrong...? I mean, er, if you want to tell me, what is it?

[If Ayano weren't already on the couch, she'd fall over. Naoto why are you like this...why are you like this and why is it so cute and endearing and...]

M...Moment's passed! [There is some very understated arm flailing going on here.]

You missed your chance! [HUFF. She's blushing. She's blushing so much. Honesty is easier when you're not extremely embarassed.]

[It's funny how Ayano blushing can make her start to blush.] I'm sorry, I just thought that...

...I honestly can't tell if... [you want to tell me or not, she trails off before saying.]

Do you want to tell me? I wouldn't be prying?

I-I wouldn't have brought it up if I didn't want to tell you!

Of course I wanna tell you...

[There is no way that this isn't going to go how she thinks it is.

She's not sure how she feels about it, to be honest. She'd assumed that the initial problem-- or rather, potential pitfall-- of Ayano's feelings had just gone away.

This doesn't seem like it's gone away, and Naoto, too, is starting to get visibly flustered.] Well, then.

Uh, despite having... missed my timing, if you. Really do want to tell me, then... I'd like to know. What's bothering you, I mean. I'd like to know that.

...I think I still like you, Naoto.

[It comes out quickly, without thinking, and it wouldn't have otherwise. A hushed tone out of the side of her mouth––the embarassment and some measure of shame weighing on her face, titling it downward. The thing is, she knows she's going to get rejected. Even if Naoto is willing to like someone of her own gender...there's just no way. She's not the type to be interested in her, or the type to want to do this or do anything.

Her breath feels especially hot, and her head, light. Is this really happening? Maybe...Maybe it'll be over soon.]

[And there it is.

She'd known, of course. How could she not have? But to hear it...

Naoto exhales.] I thought that might be the case.

[She's quiet for a moment.] Ayano, I... honestly don't know what to say. And I don't mean that as some excuse or cop-out to avoid turning you down or hurting your feelings.

You're someone I care for, deeply. I'm saddened when you're saddened, and cheered when you're happy. I find your presence calming and enjoy our conversations.

[She takes a breath.] I'm just not entirely sure I'd be good at dating anyone at all. As you've noticed, I'm not very... good at recognizing or dealing with emotions. I think you can do better than me.

[Ayano closes her eyes and takes a deep breath because rejection is hard and...

She...didn't...get rejected? Wait, what? Naoto's answer certainly isn't what she wanted, but it's not what she expected, either. One eye opens.]

...It's not because I'm a girl...?

What? [Naoto actually looks surprised at that.] No, of course not. Why would that bother me?

I just think you deserve someone who can match your... radiance and warmth. That's all.

[Radiance and warmth!? Ayano, again, would have fallen over if not for the safety of the couch. Her frown is one of a bit childish frustration––she balls her fists and waves them up and down slightly.]

I––I don't want someone that matches me, though...Or need someone...

I like you.

[Naoto's cheeks are definitely red now. She shifts awkwardly in the couch, looking away.

This isn't how it was supposed to go. She was going to explain to Ayano that she wasn't a good romantic partner, and that'd be the end of it, right?] It's-- it's just that-- I don't think I'd be very good at anything like that. I think I'd just be... some sort of burden.

I'm not good with... emotions, or people, or... or things like this. [She swallows.] Even knowing that...?

[Ayano inches a bit closer, the air seeming to get thicker and thicker the closer that she gets. She looks on Naoto with a kind smile now, gingerly reaching her hand to touch Naoto's shoulder.]

Why do you keep doing that? I told you that I like you, Naoto. I know the way that you feel about yourself, but that doesn't change anything for me.

[Her other hand clenches and unclenches nervously, as Ayano finds herself getting a little bit closer still.]

I believe, for as dense and awkward as you can be sometimes, and for as stupid and dramatic as I can be sometimes, it doesn't make us incompatible. It means we can help each other. We...fit.

Naoto...

I'd be really stupid to not want to take a chance on that....

[This is probably the most flustered Ayano has ever seen Naoto. She genuinely doesn't know what to do, or to say.

She doesn't think she's dateable. At all. And yet, here Ayano is...] For-- for the record, I do think that you are... choosing unwisely.

[she takes a breath.] That said, I suppose it is your... mistake to make. And I'm not. I'm not opposed to the idea, of course.

[She is really, really, really, bad at this.]

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