[closed] just a little longer is fine
WHO: baren & existing cr!
WHERE: chuuya's apartment for the most part
WHEN: after chuuya gets deda
WHAT: manpain tbh
WARNINGS: mentioned character death, will edit if anything else comes up
[ i. for the shitpost six - CLOSED ]
[It shouldn't be a surprise at all that Baren Kaiyou, he who has the coping skills of a baked potato, doesn't do well after what happens to Chuuya.
He doesn't know how to grieve, much less how to do so in public.
So he leaves. After it's confirmed that there's nothing that he can do, no way to save Chuuya, that it's really over - he leaves.
It occurs to him briefly to set up arrangements for a funeral, to alert Chuuya's relatives, to take up responsibility where necessary because that's what Baren's meant to be for the people that he dedicates himself to. Reliable. Responsible. Sensible.
Somewhere lost in a haze, he's not any of those things.
So for specific people - Zoro, Nikkari, Kiyomitsu, Yasusada, Fawkes - he just barely remembers to send a text.
It includes an address - Chuuya's apartment, if they end up looking for him. And:]
i won't do anything stupid
[Probably.
He has to at least say it.
ooc: if you'd rather jump straight to action that also works for me! ]
[ ii. for anyone else - TEXT ]
[ if anyone else wants to get in touch with baren, he won't agree to meet them in person! because.... he has the coping skills of a baked potato.
but other parties are free to text/call/retrospec DM him if they're interested upon hearing what happened to chuuya. so there's this option here for them....! ]
WHERE: chuuya's apartment for the most part
WHEN: after chuuya gets deda
WHAT: manpain tbh
WARNINGS: mentioned character death, will edit if anything else comes up
[ i. for the shitpost six - CLOSED ]
[It shouldn't be a surprise at all that Baren Kaiyou, he who has the coping skills of a baked potato, doesn't do well after what happens to Chuuya.
He doesn't know how to grieve, much less how to do so in public.
So he leaves. After it's confirmed that there's nothing that he can do, no way to save Chuuya, that it's really over - he leaves.
It occurs to him briefly to set up arrangements for a funeral, to alert Chuuya's relatives, to take up responsibility where necessary because that's what Baren's meant to be for the people that he dedicates himself to. Reliable. Responsible. Sensible.
Somewhere lost in a haze, he's not any of those things.
So for specific people - Zoro, Nikkari, Kiyomitsu, Yasusada, Fawkes - he just barely remembers to send a text.
It includes an address - Chuuya's apartment, if they end up looking for him. And:]
i won't do anything stupid
[Probably.
He has to at least say it.
ooc: if you'd rather jump straight to action that also works for me! ]
[ ii. for anyone else - TEXT ]
[ if anyone else wants to get in touch with baren, he won't agree to meet them in person! because.... he has the coping skills of a baked potato.
but other parties are free to text/call/retrospec DM him if they're interested upon hearing what happened to chuuya. so there's this option here for them....! ]

i - action!
So about an hour after the text, there's a knock on Chuuya's apartment door.]
Baren? You still in there? It's me.
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This cat is old, black, and is missing an ear but - ]
His name is Rimbaud.
[ . . . and apparently Baren's not going to talk about it on his own, though he'll wander back inside so Kashuu has room to follow him if he wants.]
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He looks old.
[Thanks, Kashuu. But he'll still reach forward when he's close enough, rubbing the spot behind Rimbaud's still existing ear gently. All cats are cute cats, okay.
But ah, in a situation like this... he probably shouldn't be quite as generous with letting Baren dodge as he usually is. Which is why he purses his lips, looking visibly (albeit minutely) troubled for a second.]
...Have you eaten yet today? I brought some stuff, if you haven't.
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Kinda like Baren at the moment, who is still super willing to dodge. Kashuu is closer to him than most - it's why he's allowed in the apartment at all, but given everything.... if the topic isn't broached clearly, who knows whether or not Baren is willing to unpack it on his own. He left as soon as he could, locked himself away immediately, and even now moves to lock the door again.
Then after a brief pause that might've seemed like he didn't even hear Kashuu - ]
... Not really that hungry, Kiyo.
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I know. [Of course he knows.] But you should eat, anyway. You have a lot of things to do that I'm not sure I can help you with.
[He had promised to be Baren's sword, but what can he do about this? A sword can only cut. His blade can't bring people back from death, and what does he know about grieving in this life?]
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[that's a lie, he totally does.
The apartment is lived in - but Baren's a neat freak. Everything gets sorted and put in its proper place and it has never once stopped him from cleaning in Yamato and Kashuu's apartment. But the disorder in Chuuya's apartment is... Chuuya's. Eventually, Baren knows that he'll have to move things around. He'll have to put away Chuuya's hats, he'll have to clean up whatever half-written lines of poetry, he'll have to stow things because looking at them will hurt too much.
But right now they're untouched. Baren only holds onto this cat and doesn't meet Kashuu's eyes.]
You didn't come here because you were worried, did you?
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[Considering "I don't need help" is the first thing he says in a situation in which he very much does, his worry is probably not misplaced at all. That's not really surprising.]
But I said I'd be here when you need me, y'know? [As a friend first, of course. But maybe having a sword will be a little more comforting in a time like this. He's honestly not sure.] That'd be true even if I wasn't worried.
[Granted, now that he's here, he doesn't exactly know what to do. He'll move to put the bag he's brought over on the floor next to the counter, though, not wanting to intrude too far into this apartment space.]
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[ - you.
.... Baren pauses there, visibly stops himself from finishing the sentence. Right. A few months ago he'd thought that the only person he needed was Okuni. After that, one after another, he couldn't deny that some people still tried to look after him. There's a debt there, in a way.
So he bites his tongue and shakes his head slowly, sighing as he does.]
.... well, I said I wouldn't do anything dumb. I won't.
[He also just can't handle processing that the world outside is still moving, that everything still happens like any other day even when it feels like the ground has collapsed underneath him.]
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[It's probably one of the bluntest things he's ever said to Baren, none of the usual careful stepping around words that he usually employs. But he's adjusting himself according to the situation, and while some things here need a very delicate hand, others probably need something more direct.]
...I believe you, though. I'm just still gonna worry anyway. That's the only thing I can really do for you right now.
[He can't bring Chuuya back from death, or turn back the hands of time. He can't offer flowery words of condolence or the perfect frame of comfort and solace. He can only let Baren know, in so many clumsy words, that he doesn't have to go it alone, even if he might feel alone as things stand now.]
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The corner of Baren's mouth turns down into a frown, almost a scowl, as he tries to reassess this feeling of being cornered - they never talk about their feelings or the difficult things, that's not what their relationship is like - and see through it for the logic. Even the barest promises: Kashuu is his sword and just as Baren promised he'd be with him through whatever, Kashuu wants to do the same.
Or something like that - right?
It's only a flash of frustration bordering on anger - and then the deflating.]
... you don't need to do anything for me. You've already done plenty.
[ . . . . ]
I won't set anything on fire today.
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He doesn't think he's done a whole lot either, honestly, but he also keeps that thought on his tongue. Baren doesn't need it now, when he's got all these weights to carry on his own - things that no one else can really help to carry. Death is funny like that, he supposes.]
Well, I'll believe that one.
[Considering how well his last stint with fire had gone... Moreover, he doesn't think destruction like that would be something Baren would seek out for an ache like this, from what he does know of him.]
...You planning on spending the night here?
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[of course it's for the cat....
even though Baren will probably just be sleeping on the couch. he settles on it and thinks back - rimbaud probably isn't used to any type of night where chuuya doesn't go home. how does he explain to the cat that his owner that gave him a home is gone?
maybe they're both strays now.]
... and arrangements have to be made. I don't know where but Chuu probably kee- ... kept all his important shit in here.
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It's a lot for one person. It would be a lot for any of them.
He doesn't offer to help look through Chuuya's things, because that feels too intensely personal. Instead:]
D'you want me to stick around tonight?
[He's expecting a no, honestly, because it's Baren. But at the very least, he's made it clear - he thinks, anyway - that he's willing to stay if necessary, and willing to come back if needed. He'll probably check on Baren pretty frequently anyway, but when he's not sure if company will help or hurt, this is about the most he can do.]
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Solitude makes sense when you're mourning, grieving, and especially when Baren is so private about what his relationship with Chuuya was like - keeping anyone too close would feel like intrusion.
But the thing is - he hates to be alone. So deeply and absolutely, he gets lonely. Even with Rimbaud for company, there's something different about having someone else close by. Yet even with that in mind....]
.... I'm not the best company right now, Kiyo.
[He doesn't want to be a burden. He doesn't want Kashuu to be bored waiting around for him. He can't say it out loud that he wants someone to stay.]
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S'fine. You don't have to worry about being good company, okay? If you need me to help with anything, just say so, but you don't have to talk or whatever. I'll still be here.
[He doesn't need to worry about being entertaining or good to talk to while he's in the middle of something so private and painful. Kashuu can keep himself occupied in between keeping an eye out for Baren, hunker down on the sofa, be present without being intrusive - it's the least he can do.]
I!
There are a lot of things he could write, in response to this. "Define stupid" is one of them. "Everything you do is stupid" is another. "Are you okay?" Except, no, even at the best of times Baren would never answer that question, so that one is out from the very beginning.
And actually, the more he thinks about it--maybe there aren't a lot of things he could write. Maybe there's nothing at all he can say, here. How exactly do you comfort someone at a time like this? He'd only spoken to Chuuya a handful of times, if that, but he'd liked him a lot, and despite his insistence that Baren's a lousy choice for a lover, he'd respected Chuuya's stubbornness and dedication, empathizing with his feelings a little better than he'd ever admit.
Losing him hurts, and Yasusada can just barely call him a friend. What Baren must be feeling...
There's nothing he can say or do to help. Yasusada's certain of that. But it doesn't stop him from feeling distressed and restless, so after a little while, he'll send off a response.]
I'm coming over
[Since he won't be turned away, the least he can do is give Baren a little warning.]
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[Baren won't stop him, at least.
Baren also isn't doing much at all. Chuuya's apartment is small and - a little messy. Chuuya was always a little messy and normally Baren would want to clean it up, but given that it's the last things that Chuuya did here - it feels wrong to change even a little bit. He knows it's illogical. He knows he'll have to clean up eventually, just like how he'll have to make funeral arrangements eventually. Let Chuuya's family know eventually.
But for now Baren's balanced to sit at the open windowsill, smoking from his metal pipe even as he looks out over the city.
He'd like to pretend that he's not thinking about much at all but - the air is too heavy for that.]
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It certainly doesn't abate his worry, though. And it doesn't make entering this space any less uncomfortable. He feels like a trespasser even before he enters, and that feeling doesn't go away when he sees the state of the apartment. Truthfully, he'd expected more of a disaster, but as he looks around the room, it's easy to see what Baren's done. (Or hasn't done, in this case.) He's always been a little too perceptive at the worst times.
He didn't bring anything for Baren. No flowers to honor Chuuya's memory, no warm comfort food from his mother. As soon as he sets down his sword case, his hands are empty; with anyone else, it would make him feel like a callous bastard, but with Baren, it only seems right. Just like with his words, he's well aware that there's no object that will ease the pain Baren must feeling. Trying to force gifts and condolences on him would seem far more disingenuous than anything else.]
That stinks.
[The pipe, he means, but there's no real bite to it with his quiet tone. It's also instantly negated by the way he walks over to stand next to Baren, careful not to knock anything out of place. If Baren's chosen to leave the apartment as-is, that's his prerogative, and Yasusada isn't going to judge him for it.
For any of this, really. He knows firsthand what it feels like to lose your most precious people, but some of those memories are from another life, and it's just not fair to compare them.
He stares out the window in silence for a good couple of minutes, trying to temper his distress before he speaks. He already knows how Baren feels about Yasusada fretting over him (if Baren has it in him to feel anything at all right now), and besides, the last thing he wants to do is make things worse.
Eventually, though, he turns to look at Baren, gray eyes filled with badly hidden worry. He's trying, okay. He takes in Baren's appearance, but he doesn't comment on anything in particular. Instead, his question is simple.]
What can I do?
[Regardless of their bizarre relationship, he is Baren's sword. It's his job to take care of his "master", and that's exactly what he's here to do.]
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[To Baren's credit, it almost sounds amused.
He pauses in his smoking to glance over at Yamato, one eyebrow raised and even though there's no light in his eyes, his mouth almost forms the shape of a smile. It's a good question. What can Yamato do? What can Baren do? What can anyone do?
Maybe Baren's looking for direction just as much as anyone else.
He leans his head back against the windowsill, lets his gaze drift back over the city skyline. Recollé is a good place. He decided that a while ago. Recollé is a good place because it's where there are people like Kashuu, Nikkari, and Zoro. Recollé is a good place because it's where reunions can happen for people like Yamato. Recollé is a good place because it gave him Chuuya.
(Recollé is a bad place right now - because it's a place that doesn't have Chuuya. But then this whole world doesn't have Chuuya. Does that make it a bad world?)]
... think I'm done telling people what to do for a while.
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[Of course he's asking. He'll never call Baren "master", but as far as Yasusada's concerned, that's what he is.
He doesn't seem annoyed by the answer, though. There's nothing for him to condemn here, he doesn't have any expectations that Baren's failing to meet with inaction. Besides, Yasusada is the last person who would judge Baren for sitting and thinking about what's already happened. His own discomfort is entirely personal, and he's well aware of that.
He hesitates, then; he doesn't want to push too soon, but he doubts "the right time" will ever really come. So he lets his gaze slide over the apartment again, and speaks quietly.]
...I'm sorry.
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Mm. That's true.
[Yamato is his sword.
For one reason or another, Yamato is his sword. Baren turns that over in his head for a moment, because it doesn't make sense. He knows that he's selfish, he's self-serving, secretive, hard to get along with - and yet. People will still pledge themselves to him anyway. Chuuya did that too and Baren doesn't ever remember saying thank you.
Even now, his mouth can't quite form the words.
But he pauses in what he's doing, puts down the pipe off to the side where it won't burn anything, and then turns so that his feet rest on the floor inside the apartment and he faces Yamato.
He reaches out a hand to the top of his head, ruffling his hair half-heartedly with scarred hands.]
You don't need to apologize.
Life's a shitshow, isn't it?
[ . . . And as he faces Yamato head on, maybe the redness in Baren's visible eye is more clear. He's run out of tears for now, but he's always been something of a crybaby.]
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Yes, I do. [It's not said with guilt or self-loathing. To him, it's a fact.] I should've done more to get him away from that fog. If I'd known he could do anything like that, I would've dragged him off right away.
[Of course, he hadn't known. He hadn't even known Chuuya had powers, or a power, or whatever the hell it was that happened. But still--he'd had the chance to stop things from going so far, and he hadn't taken it.
Were he more of a sword, he would say "I'm sorry I failed you". Those words aren't on his tongue now, but they hang in the air between them all the same.]
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[And Baren retracts his hand to gently flick Yamato's forehead.
His words don't come with a bite, they're barely a scolding. Rather they're tired and Baren leans back. His hands find purchase on the windowsill and curl around the molding of it.]
"If" and "should've" don't mean much right now, do they? Ah... If I'd told someone else that he could do that. I should've looked harder for someone who could seal powers. Even if they're true....
[Even if he could've done more then... where does it leave him now?]
.... I don't blame you.
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...I know.
[That isn't what this is about--not for him. Regardless of his opinions on Baren, Yasusada hadn't once thought Baren might use this against him. It just isn't his way.
But he knows how Baren feels about himself by now, too. So he can't help adding softly:]
You shouldn't blame yourself either.
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If he can't blame himself, who can he blame? Retrospec for giving Chuuya the parts of himself that he was looking for? And isn't that the big joke - Chuuya accepted that other version of himself so readily. All the good and the bad. He got his answers and some of them were prone to getting out of control.
Baren was supposed to find that control. He looked, he prowled through Retrospec to make sure he didn't miss anything about someone finding out that they could take away the "gifts" bestowed upon them. But maybe he shouldn't have just looked. He should've gone to Retrospec and made a bargain. They gave out powers once before, why couldn't they do it again? Why couldn't they give Baren this one?
He didn't ask.
He should've asked.
He should've done more.
There's a small, short shake of his head.]
Don't worry about that.
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There are more important things to say.]
He told me to tell you he was sorry.
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By that time, there was only Baren's one-sided failed attempts at bringing Chuuya back from the brink and the crash of buildings and the clattering of debris. Destruction for destruction's sake. That's what that ability was always meant for and Chuuya was never supposed to use it.
Of course he would say sorry.
Baren's expression falls as he's dumbfounded for a moment. He's unguarded, unmasked, held down as his emotions are laid bare while the flash of sharp pain registers in his expression.
In his rush to stand he nearly loses balance and he moves away from Yamato automatically. Yamato is his sword and Baren trusts him with his well-being, his knowledge, his mistakes, just short of his everything.
Chuuya had his everything and it's another reminder that he's gone. He's gone and even the last word that he had to spare didn't blame Baren even once.
He's trembling by the time that he starts to approach the kitchen and it's like a whip when his hand lashes out in the shape a fist as if he's going to make a dent in the plaster, like he wants nothing more than to hit something - but he stops short. His hand trembles even as it opens and he ends up just holding onto the wall as he hides his expression and only barks out an angry, broken - ]
—Fuck!
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Maybe it's because he's watching Baren's face, tracking everything with that intense gaze. He's staring, unabashed, but when Baren stumbles past him, Yasusada doesn't turn to watch. Instead of following immediately, he looks back out the window--it's a show of respect, giving Baren the chance to try and rebuild the walls Chuuya's words just knocked down if he chooses to do so. Has the strength to do so.
Did Chuuya know, he wonders, that he'd be destroying more than buildings and roads? Did he know, even as he'd made his choice, that when the smoke cleared there would be pieces of a heart among the wreckage?
Yasusada has no answers. But even if he did, he doubts Baren would want to hear them. Like he'd said--it doesn't change a thing. All he can do now is let Baren have some semblance of that privacy he values so much.
He's still listening, of course. If it sounds like Baren needs him, he'll be across the room immediately. But aside from that, he's willing to wait, until it seems like Baren's ready to be seen again. By his sword, if not his friend.]
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All of this - it'll take time.
Baren lets his hand come up to his chest where he feels his heart beating furiously against his ribcage, wonders if it wants out because he never expected to be able to feel this much about anything - anyone - that wasn't his sister. Yet here he is. His sister is fine. She's safe. She wants to be here for him too and probably will be by the time night falls but.
This is the price of letting people in.
His breathing his heavy and his chest aches. There's only the faint sound of fingernails scratching faintly against the wall before he pulls his hand away completely.
By the time Yamato arrived, he'd gotten to a place of sad, empty peace.
He wants to get back there if only because feeling so much brings back a phantom ache that he knows he won't be able to shake.]
.... he left you with something heavy.
[Having to be the one to tell Baren.
How stupid. How irresponsible. Yamato wasn't Chuuya's to give direction to and yet he still...]
... sorry about my idiot, Yacchan.
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[The answer comes without hesitation. They'd been like-minded creatures, after all. It's the real reason he'd reacted the way he did when he'd learned about their relationship--he'd been able to empathize so much with everything Chuuya had told him, about what he'd been through and his stupid, irrational feelings through it all.
He has no doubt that Chuuya would've carried out his last request, if their situations had been reversed.
And--]
So would you.
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[And he'd do it. He'd turn over the whole world for Yamato if he only had reason to ask and that's the extent of Baren's willingness to show his own devotion. It comes in sweeter nicknames and hair ruffles, sure, but in the end...
Baren's favorite thing about Chuuya was his loyalty and honesty - and if he couldn't emulate the latter, the former would have to be good enough.
Still, Baren takes in a deep breath and tries not to cry. He succeeds for now. There's the shake of his head and he wanders back to where Yamato is.]
... how impossible that guy... was.
[Not is. Was.]
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I'll hold you to that.
[He doesn't mention that he already asked Baren for the only thing that really matters--to stay by Kashuu's side, no matter what. The city could burn around them and take Yasusada with it, and as long as Kashuu's taken care of, he'd be content as the ash under their feet.
Baren doesn't sound fine, of course. But he seems to be reining himself back in, so Yasusada deems it safe to turn and look at him again. He even smiles slightly, though there's something hesitant about it, like he's not sure such a thing is allowed at a time like this.]
He didn't really tell me anything, about his memories. I never could tell if he was happy with them or not.
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It's a little bit like after the fire - when Baren's good humor would come in flickers, but never as strongly as a normal day. Good fortune comes to those who smile, he was told, and he believes in that somehow. So he sits back at the windowsill and balances on it, pulling one knee up to his chest as he makes himself at home in an apartment filled with ghosts.]
... well.
I dunno if you'd call him happy, but he never denied them. I don't spread secrets that aren't mine but....
[Baren rests his head against the windowsill and his gaze falls to the floor.]
He probably still had regrets.
Just less than other people.
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He seemed like that kind of person.
[And when he'd made his choice...
Well.]
...He gave me his gloves and his coat, before-- [just, before.] --his coat disappeared, but I still have his gloves. ...I wasn't sure if you'd want them or not.
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Baren pauses, clearly unsure what to say about that.]
.... leave them on the table.
[He's not sure what he'd do with them.
It's not like they hold any more of Chuuya than this empty apartment.]
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I'll bring them by later. [As in "next time I come check on you". Soon, probably.]
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Later.
Because this is the reality they live in now and Baren can recognize when he's not sure that he'll be able to truly cope with what happened but - ]
... yeah. Fine. Whatever.
Suit yourself.
[Nothing's going to change.]
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As he heads for the door, he doesn't bother mentioning that Kashuu will come by soon, too. Even if Kashuu hasn't said anything, he figures it's obvious enough. Instead, when he pauses by the door, his words are simple and quiet.]
Take care of yourself, Baren.
[It's tempting to say "people need you", but he bites that part back. He's fairly certain he already knows what Baren's response would be. So he leaves it at that, just a soft request before he steps out of the apartment.
Baren said he wouldn't do anything stupid. Now, all Yasusada can do is hope that he meant it.]
the swords keep coming
Baren, it's me.
[not the voice he wants to hear. but the voice that keeps coming for him. he doesn't know how you're supposed to act when the world has been yanked out from under your best friend's feet, but being there is a start.]
sword parade
baren rolls onto his side where he's laying on the couch, dislodging his arm from where it was covering his eyes.]
... m'fine, Nika.
[a lie but well.
at least that's normal.]