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recolle2017-10-13 07:18 pm
bitemefightme) wrote in recolle2017-10-13 07:18 pm
[OTA] The Petals, They Weep. They’re Uprooted, Like Me.
WHO: Orion and OTA
WHERE: Recolle, around the park most likely.
WHEN: Some creepy, foggy night in October.
WHAT: Fog hallucinations.
WARNINGS: Mentions of Schizophrenia and hallucinations; Reliving death, talks of death/gore, and maybe a death later on; Mental breakdown; Suicide ideation. Will update as needed.
This is…. Definitely not Orion’s month. Between nightmares, suspicious sensations in the fog, and his own mental inconveniences, he’s lost his shit way more than a few times. He just can’t get a break. And refusing to fall asleep has not been helping. Not even a little. But it’s better than…. that, isn’t it? Dreaming about the terror that was Lilly from that hallucinomemory.
He’s so damn tired. Hell, he doesn’t even know how he got outside at this point as he finds himself blinking hard to try to keep the sleep away, rubbing his face until it hurts. And he feels the sensation of being on edge before he realizes the fog has set in. This is one of the worst feelings everywhere. The paranoia, the dread, the fear.
Shit, he really needs to get home. NOW.
But try as he might, he keeps wandering deeper and deeper into the fog, or getting turned around. He hasn’t been able to tell which. His breath shudders as he desperately tries to grasp onto his bearings. A hand reaches under the hoodie tied to his waist, feeling for the familiar guns he carries with him everywhere he goes (except for when he’s working at Iwai’s shop). It’s the only, only thing that feels comfortable enough to give him any sort of peace – if you can call it that.
He hears a shuffling in the fog and quickly jolts around, trying to locate where it’s at. Within moments, he starts to panic and he pulls one of the guns from it’s safe spot as he continues to wheel around. His finger’s on the trigger, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to shoot. Suddenly, from behind him, a girl’s voice gently pervades.
“Come on, shoot me.”
He spins on his heel to meet her, gun held out, only to find a face all-too-familiar, yet not familiar at all. But he knows that face, just like he knows her name.
“Lilly?” He looks nothing short like he’s seeing a ghost. God, someone help him. Someone help him now. Lilly can’t be here, right? This can’t be her.
The girl, on the other hand, laughs.
“Is that how I look to you? Ah, well, to be expected, I guess.”
As Orion tries to back away, she calmly steps closer, matching every step he takes. And for his panicked look, she’s every bit of dissonant serenity; a gentle, eerie smile on her face.
“So, remember anything, yet?”
“You’re not real!!!” Orion shouts, clearly with fear in his voice. It’s not real, he repeats in his head over and over and over again. Lilly’s dead, whoever she was. There’s no way. But it’s clear by the expression on his face that he’s not buying what he’s telling himself. He’s terrified, and he’s reliving the memory of the dead Lilly he found in his arms. Fai said it wasn’t him. It couldn’t have been him.
He keeps the gun level with Lilly’s head, and to whoever may be coming to him, whether they’re just passing by or came to see what his shouting was about, it probably looks nothing short of him getting ready to shoot a little girl. His finger is pretty tense on that trigger, after all.
WHERE: Recolle, around the park most likely.
WHEN: Some creepy, foggy night in October.
WHAT: Fog hallucinations.
WARNINGS: Mentions of Schizophrenia and hallucinations; Reliving death, talks of death/gore, and maybe a death later on; Mental breakdown; Suicide ideation. Will update as needed.
This is…. Definitely not Orion’s month. Between nightmares, suspicious sensations in the fog, and his own mental inconveniences, he’s lost his shit way more than a few times. He just can’t get a break. And refusing to fall asleep has not been helping. Not even a little. But it’s better than…. that, isn’t it? Dreaming about the terror that was Lilly from that hallucinomemory.
He’s so damn tired. Hell, he doesn’t even know how he got outside at this point as he finds himself blinking hard to try to keep the sleep away, rubbing his face until it hurts. And he feels the sensation of being on edge before he realizes the fog has set in. This is one of the worst feelings everywhere. The paranoia, the dread, the fear.
Shit, he really needs to get home. NOW.
But try as he might, he keeps wandering deeper and deeper into the fog, or getting turned around. He hasn’t been able to tell which. His breath shudders as he desperately tries to grasp onto his bearings. A hand reaches under the hoodie tied to his waist, feeling for the familiar guns he carries with him everywhere he goes (except for when he’s working at Iwai’s shop). It’s the only, only thing that feels comfortable enough to give him any sort of peace – if you can call it that.
He hears a shuffling in the fog and quickly jolts around, trying to locate where it’s at. Within moments, he starts to panic and he pulls one of the guns from it’s safe spot as he continues to wheel around. His finger’s on the trigger, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to shoot. Suddenly, from behind him, a girl’s voice gently pervades.
“Come on, shoot me.”
He spins on his heel to meet her, gun held out, only to find a face all-too-familiar, yet not familiar at all. But he knows that face, just like he knows her name.
“Lilly?” He looks nothing short like he’s seeing a ghost. God, someone help him. Someone help him now. Lilly can’t be here, right? This can’t be her.
The girl, on the other hand, laughs.
“Is that how I look to you? Ah, well, to be expected, I guess.”
As Orion tries to back away, she calmly steps closer, matching every step he takes. And for his panicked look, she’s every bit of dissonant serenity; a gentle, eerie smile on her face.
“So, remember anything, yet?”
“You’re not real!!!” Orion shouts, clearly with fear in his voice. It’s not real, he repeats in his head over and over and over again. Lilly’s dead, whoever she was. There’s no way. But it’s clear by the expression on his face that he’s not buying what he’s telling himself. He’s terrified, and he’s reliving the memory of the dead Lilly he found in his arms. Fai said it wasn’t him. It couldn’t have been him.
He keeps the gun level with Lilly’s head, and to whoever may be coming to him, whether they’re just passing by or came to see what his shouting was about, it probably looks nothing short of him getting ready to shoot a little girl. His finger is pretty tense on that trigger, after all.
no subject
He was drawn from his thoughts by a familiar voice. That kid Orion. He blinked a few times and moved closer to see the kid pointing a gun at a girl. He looked pretty freaked out and this girl was too calm about a gun being pointed at her.
"Hey, kid. You okay?"
He kept himself calm and reasonable. Last thing he needed to do was panic the kid with the gun further.
no subject
For the first time since this fog set in, Orion finally takes a deep breath. Until he realises his own setbacks in this - either he looks like he's going to shoot someone, or shoot at nothing. Either way, his emotional stability is likely to be questioned. How does he even begin to explain himself?
But, before he can even think of anything to say, Lilly faces Iwai, her smile never fading.
"How uncouth. I was in the middle of a conversation with Heine, you know."
Orion's head jerks back to Lilly, confusion growing. Did she just call him Heine? Or was she talking about someone else? He can't make enough sense of either reason to make it stick.
He swallows dryly and his voice trembles when he manages to speak again.
"I'm fine." It's a lie. A clear, defiant lie. He's more glad than not that Iwai showed up. But right now, he just wants out of this mess. "Can you get home from here?"
With any luck, maybe Iwai will let him follow him.
no subject
This had to be one of those fog things. Like the one he'd dealt with when he was with Fai. Frowning, he looked at her then at Orion. The one who was real. The one who was going to actually get hurt in this whole thing. Even if it was only mentally.
"Kid, she ain't real. The fog is playing tricks on all of us. Come on. You can come with me."
Because he had to give the kid an option of getting somewhere safe. Honestly he was thinking that the safest place was probably with him all things considered.
cw: suicide ideation; gore; recollection of death
Iwai heard it, too. He saw Lilly, too. And he called it a trick of the fog. She isn't real? How can that be if Iwai can see her, too. But the invitation offered is what he wants. So he takes a few steps back, lowering his gun.
He just has to get to Iwai. But taking his eyes off Lilly is easier said than done. But Lilly doesn't seem to be following him this time. It takes a fair amount of distance between her and himself to let him feel like he can finally turn his back on her. With each step, he repeats Iwai's words to himself. It's just a trick.
But what Lilly says next makes Orion freeze.
"On that day when I died by your hands, everything had changed for me."
Orion holds his breath and his eyes widen. Please no.
"Life shines especially bright at the moment when death descends. This is what you taught me."
And for the moment, Orion forgets Iwai is right there in front of him. The grip on his gun loosens, almost enough to drop it. And he looks down at the gun. It would be so easy, wouldn't it? He could pull the trigger under his chin. Would it be enough to repent for the bloody mass that he held in his arms in that vision? With Lilly torn in two. This Lilly just confirmed that vision out loud, didn't she?
Tears line Orion's eyes, his grip readjusting on the gun.
no subject
That was why that side of him lost as Iwai moved closer to him.
"Hey Orion. Look at me."
His voice was calm and steady, he didn't show fear or anger. He was just here to ground him again. Get him out of whatever was going on in his head right now because it looked like some kind of hell.
"Look at me here. Listen to my voice."
Moving closer still, he kept his eyes trained on Orion's face even though he was still so aware of the gun.
cw: gore
"I..." Orion strains to get his voice above a whisper. For it to not crack as he fights back the breakdown. The millions of what ifs drowning out the rest of the thoughts in his head. "...If I'm a murderer..."
He doesn't move back from Iwai as he approaches. He doesn't feel like he has the strength to. He'd rather collapse. He's so tired. But the dreams he'll see, he doesn't want to see them again. He can't see them again.
"What if I really killed her? If I did something awful... I saw Lilly in my hands. I'd torn a little girl to shreds. Her insides..."
His free hand moved to his middle, gripping into a fist, before unfolding the fingers as he indicated downward, like something falling out of place.
"In pieces... Everywhere..."
no subject
His other hand rested on his shoulder. "Was that one of those app memories? Do you know? Because I can tell you that girl over there isn't real. And I can also tell you that you can come over to my place to get out of the fog for awhile."
Hell, he'd even let the kid crash on his couch until morning if he needed to do that.
no subject
He glances at the hand on top of his, seeing the gun past it. He doesn't want to kill Lilly again, regardless of if she's real or not. He doesn't want to be a killer. He just so, so desperately wants out. And, at least if he's with Iwai, he doesn't have to be alone.
"But what if she is? What if she's real?" His brain isn't piecing the logic together that there's no way for a girl he killed to be here right now, that she called him Heine instead of Orion, that she had reacted to him calling her Lilly as though that wasn't her name. All he sees is that memory and knows he was called out on it. And that's as good as real to him, because he told no one after Fai. Not until now. He can't see it as the fog messing with his head and concocting an hallucination from his nightmares that are filled with guilt. He can't see it at all.
"I don't want to be here..." He moves his hand back to tuck the gun away into it's place. It's slow, and the gun feels heavy. But he just... wants out so much. To get away before Lilly can say anything else.
no subject
The gun was put away and Iwai wrapped his arm around Orion so he could start making him walk with him. Away from this fog. Away from whoever that twisted and messed up image was haunting Orion. He'd get rid of it himself but it wasn't doing more than mentally and emotionally attacking the kid.
"Just breathe, Orion. Listen to me and keep walking."
Because he was going to get him out of here as fast as he could manage to.
no subject
"Make sure you do it properly next time, okay?"
Orion tenses, but he focuses on putting one foot forward at a time. Just get away from it. That comes first. Then... whatever follows.
What would have happened if Iwai hadn't been there to ground him? Orion's not exactly intelligent, but he does realise that's what Iwai was doing when Lilly's voice is no longer tormenting him. Iwai clearly knew what he was doing, how to calm a panic attack. That's supposed to be a good thing, isn't it?
...Isn't it?
What did Iwai think about that whole thing back there? After what feels like forever to him, he finally speaks.
"I understand if you don't want me working for you anymore. If you don't want to give me gun lessons anymore."
He's clearly going to have to come clean, isn't he? Might as well start there.
no subject
Good enough reason for him. Now he knew to teach him to be calmer in stressful situations. Besides, the kid wasn't a lost cause and he sure as hell wasn't evil no matter what he remembered about that girl in the fog.
A deep breath and he actually put a hand on Orion's head to rub his hair a moment before putting his arm around his shoulders again so he could keep him walking.
"We'll talk about it more when we're inside. You like hot chocolate at all?"
no subject
Besides, he saw that image of Lilly shortly after getting those guns. And damn if that didn't jar him into wanting to never having to use these against anyone ever. If anything, he uses them as a last resort to intimidate. A very last resort. And the gun lessons are if he ever should need to pull a trigger, then he'd know how, instead of causing more damage.
He jolts briefly when he feels Iwai's hand on his head, giving a blank-eyed stare to the man. Did Iwai just pet him? ....Okay, that's.... interesting. The weird side of interesting. Not even Fai has pet him before.
"Yea, hot chocolate's fine."
no subject
Getting out his keys, he let Orion into the building and up the stairs to his studio loft. It wasn't a bad place at all but it was...generic. Like Iwai had never personalized it in all the time he'd been living there. Honestly it wasn't really a lie. He hadn't.
Still, he gave the kid a pat on the back and nodded to the couch. "Go ahead and sit. I'll get you that drink."
Because whether he would admit to it or not, some part of him just couldn't help being a dad caring for kids. Even though he'd never had a kid in this lifetime.
no subject
Not that it'll do anything to help. At all.First, her death. Then there was another him that accused him of still calling his little sister's name (who he can only presume is Lilly since he doesn't have a little sister... He thinks. Now he's not so sure.), and now this fog bullshit. If Lilly isn't real, or if he didn't kill her, if this was all Retrospec's fault as Fai claims, then why is this so persistent? There's just... so much to take in, and Orion's not sure how much longer he can take it.
Orion runs a worried hand through his hair. Why does this have to happen to him? To someone like him? Who suffers hallucinations and can't tell what's real or not. Was his life not a walking nightmare enough without any help? And even still - what if it's not Retrospec? What if it's him and something even more fucked up with his mentality?
Fuck.
He'd kill for some alcohol right now. ...Well... not kill. But booze would really be nice right now. He might call out of all forms of work for a few days and just hide away in his apartment after he gets back home. But he's not going anywhere right now. Not while the fog, and Lilly, are still out there.
no subject
"Go ahead and drink some of that. The chocolate helps the nerves."
Hard to believe but it was true in his experience. Something, something about sugar or whatever. Iwai hadn't really been reading the article at the time so he didn't know all the details or if he was even absorbing the right information. All he knew was that it did tend to help and so did company.
So here he was drinking his own hot cocoa while he sat with the kid. He figured it was probably the best he could do until Orion felt like opening up.
CW: mental health
A deep breath. He should admit some things, here. He's pretty sure he's been caught red-handed.
"I have Schizophrenia." Should he really be saying this? "I didn't say it before because I thought you wouldn't sell me anything, or you'd stop training me. When you said Lilly wasn't real, that you could hear and see her, I thought..."
He rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably.
"I was scared." In all manner of ways. "I... I had every intention of only letting Fai know about Lilly. About whatever I did and whoever she was. I don't know what happened. I just know I saw her corpse in my hands, and I felt like I had done it. I don't know what came before that or how she died."
He thinks back on it. Iwai was there for practically the whole thing, which means...
"You saw way more than I wanted anyone to. Fai knows, I just... haven't said it directly. That I sometimes... alot of times... I... just... don't want to be here."
He's sure Iwai saw it. The way he wanted to take his own life. He's come this far, why deny it now?
no subject
The suicidal part got to him though and he muted the television then. Dropping the remote on the table in front of him, he leaned back and considered things a bit.
"You got anyone you can talk to about this stuff? Besides Fai?" He looked over at him but there was no judgement on his face, no signs of pity or mistrust. Just Iwai.
"I think there's a lot going on here right now but I don't feel like you're a danger to people. Sure you might need some help but most I think that ya just need somewhere safe to go when you need to talk. So do you have a place like that? I get that Fai seems to know stuff but it seems like maybe you need someone else besides him."
He sighed and pushed off his hat then, dropping it on the table.
"I ain't a professional or anything but I can be here to listen. Talk you off ledges if you need it. You've got a good heart in there and I think you can really make a name for yourself out there if someone gives ya a chance."
He shrugged some. "I'll only tell Fai if you want me to as well. Anything you say to me can stay between us."
Sometimes people just needed that. Just that safety of knowing they had one person who they could say anything to without that person going around telling anyone else. Might as well be him right? He wanted to protect the kid, give him a good start in things.
"Only thing I ask is that you have gotta contact me if you feel you can't tell what's real and what ain't. If you want me to trust you to sell you things or teach you how to use those guns of yours then you have to trust me too. This can't be a one way street, kid. Got that?"
no subject
Anything you say to me can stay between us. He wants that. Alot. Fai wasn't even supposed to know, but because of certain text that was supposed to be for Baren, Fai ended up knowing. A text that read at the end, don't tell Fai.
But if Fai found out again, would he be more disappointed? He knows Fai wants to help, too. Asked for Orion to tell him the next time he was having it rough, before he considered jumping off a bridge. But with how much Fai goes out of his way to take care of Orion, he can't help but feel that he's becoming a problem. Even if Fai isn't the type to choose himself over someone suffering. Not even by a little.
So, he has to give careful pondering to the offer. He doesn't want to hurt Fai again. But having a place he could go to not worry Fai more than he already does, and still do himself some good. He's sure even Fai would be okay with that. At least until he gets better. All he wants to do is take some of the weight off Fai's shoulders. It's better than disappearing to an asylum for God-knows-how-long, right?
"I have other people who know." Sort-of mostly. Talking to any of them about this has been out of the question to Orion, though. "About the Schizophrenia, but not any of... this. What happened tonight."
A pause in further thought. He'd been working for Iwai a decent amount of time by now. And if that wasn't proof enough that Iwai was good people, then tonight definitely proves it. Iwai hasn't done anything not worth trusting, and Orion didn't feel paranoid about him or the offers he's making. Finally, Orion nods.
"Yea, I'll tell you when I can't tell what's real or not. Let you know when it feels like too much."
He rests his elbows one his knees, bringing his forehead to the mug in his hands as he stares at his feet.
........
"Please don't tell Fai." I don't want to worry him.
no subject
He was going to keep his word though. Fai didn't need to know what Orion told him unless he was sure that the kid was in danger. Only then would things change because he'd do what he had to in order to save or protect the kid. It was just his way.
"You wanna tell me more about what we saw out there? It rattled you good."
He wasn't about to pretend he hadn't seen that.
no subject
Orion pauses at the question, almost wincing. It's... a mess, honestly. A huge mess. But after a handful of minutes to get his thoughts together long enough to explain it, he finally sighs.
"Back in the catacombs, I had a weird vision where I couldn't see anything. It was black. And then when I opened my eyes, I had a girl in my arms. She was ripped in two, her top from her bottom, her guts spilled everywhere. I called her Lilly, and I hugged her close. It was terrifying. I felt like a murderer.
"Then I had... another me. He called me master, and then told me I'd been depressed and crawling around in the dirt. He asked me if I was still calling out my little sister's name."
He hesitates, tenses.
"...I don't have a sister. But Lilly's name came to mind. I thought I might be calling her name out in my sleep or something, because of guilt. When I asked him why he came out, he told me I just didn't care about anything anymore, and told me to throw him into the mix, too."
At this point, he's refusing to look at Iwai. This hurts, this sucks. And he can feel the tears forming for what comes next - what happened tonight. His voice is strained when he speaks back up.
"I'd been having nightmares about Lilly. And she showed up in the fog, asking me to shoot her. I can have some pretty bad hallucinations, but seeing her there, I just... she was so vivid, she might have been alive. But it felt like she was accusing me of having killed her before. After Fai's told me so much that I hadn't. And then..."
He pauses again to regather his thoughts, struggling against the sensations of reliving it all over again. Even if Iwai was there for this part, he's not a mind reader.
"She said it right there, that I had killed her. And suddenly, anything I told myself, and Fai said, it was like it was all a lie." He sets the mug down, looking at his hands. "I felt... feel like a monster, and I just... I wanted to end it all right there. I felt like I didn't deserve living anymore. Like if I took my life, it might make up for taking hers."
That's it. That's enough, right? Enough to answer Iwai's question.
"Part of me hoped she really was alive, y'know. When I saw her. I wanted to not be guilty anymore."
no subject
"For what it's worth, kid, I can tell you that you're not a monster. Monsters are the ones who don't regret what they do. Even if the actions may not be their own. They don't have the hearts for that kind of thing. I used to work with the worst of them and monsters are why I'm here in Recolle now."
Iwai didn't know if this was some supernatural thing for Orion or if was some sci-fi shit but the fact was that he truly believed what he's just said. With every fiber of his being.
"Guilt is the stuff that motivates us to be better than we are. To want to try at all. It feels like hell but in the end it's not the worst thing ever if you think about it."
He let out a sigh.
"But I'm going to stand by what I said. I don't think you're a monster. That may not change how you feel about yourself but just know that there's a guy out there who still believes in ya."
no subject
He lets out a sigh, as if he had been holding his breath this whole time.
"Well, you don't seem stupid. If you thought I was a threat, you'd probably try to stop me in some way. And if you dealt with monsters before, then you know what you're doing. So..."
So... A hesitation, a thought, a breath.
"Thank you. That really helps alot."
no subject
That wasn't something he'd just offer to anyone. Orion was someone who clearly deserved it. Maybe he even needed someone to just trust him like that too.
"So you don't have to thank me but you're welcome."