recolle | [CLOSED] no matter how many seas separate us

[CLOSED] no matter how many seas separate us

WHO: zoro and baren
WHERE: their apartment
WHEN: maybe 9/12
WHAT: pleasant nightmares where you wake up because of the reality of loss and immense emotional pain.
WARNINGS: idfk. sad things. probably.

[Dinner is a race against a monster. "Eat fast or he'll–" he hears himself say, just as a hand stretches across and snatches the meat on his fork. He objects but not as loud as the long-nosed kid at the table, who threatens the odd stretching boy who can't seem to stop smiling. Beside him is Nami, aggravated, exasperated–even more than him. Across from her is the reindeer, smaller now, vacuuming noodles into his mouth while the man with stupid eyebrows makes sure he breathes. Tricks are played, the rubber captain breathes fire, a camel joins, the banquet continues and slowly, slowly, the rest of the room warms. The guards that had been behind them, frowning in disgust, begin to smile, then grin, then laugh. The long-nosed boy is dancing on the table, the reindeer's shoved sticks between his nose and mouth, the stretching boy blows himself into a balloon and rolls along the feast. They're laughing. He's laughing. Everyone's laughing.

And then–no one is.

Zoro wakes with a start usually reserved for nightmares, lurching with a gasp, palms sweating. There's something thick in his throat and he hopes it's meat from the banquet choking him. At least then it'd be proof. Some evidence that what he had seen was real and close and alive, if not here.

But it's just the dryness of his throat and he's just in the center of a bed that's too wide in the middle of a room that's too clean. Everything is sanitary. Everything is quiet. There's no clutter, no noise, no disruption of personal space or destruction of personal property. In its peacefulness, Zoro's apartment lacks warmth. In its privacy, Zoro feels suffocated by solitude.

The futility of his hopes is clear to him as he slips off the bed. His bare feet leave no sound on the hardwood floor as he walks by Baren, draped on an equally pristine couch. His pace is slow, four steps stretching across four minutes. He's looking as he walks, hoping that with each new floorboard some memento would be left behind. A button from the rubber boy's vest. A cigarette butt that the blonde one had discarded. Unsurprisingly, there's nothing.

His first true stop is the kitchen. It seems the most logical place to go for a group that was no better than vultures. The shift from hardwood to tile is marked only by the shift in temperature at his feet. It's cold. It's quiet. It's stifling. The pots and pans are in order, the sink is cleared, dishes are drying. He wants to break them. He wonders if that would summon them here.

The closets are next. The supply closet holds little possibilities and the linen's closet only makes him wonder if their sheets would make good capes and if they'd like that. Should he try it? He decides against it.

Then there's the clothes, stuffed in drawers and hanging from wire hangers. There's not much they could do with the fabric. Nami might like some of it at best. He runs his hands along the sleeves and tries to guess which. He can't figure out an answer; he moves on. Fiddles with a wire hanger and wonders if the reindeer would like it or if it'd be too dangerous. They could unravel it, reshape it, maybe fit it around the antlers but that seemed too high maintenance for a crew with such little patience.

His last stop is in front of the flag. When they had first moved in, he had obstinately hung it on the wall in front of the door. "They need to know who this home belongs to", he had told Baren. As if he had any clue. The people in his memories were ghosts. The flag hadn't been delivered to him as an emblem, but as a grave.]

It hurts.

[He mutters and hopes the souls in the flag will hear him.]

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[It's not like Baren's a deep sleeper.

He's awake by the time that Zoro walks out and then he listens. What is it - a midnight snack? Just wandering? He doesn't open his eye or give any sort of sign that he's woken up, but he tends to not be bothered whenever Zoro's odd sleeping schedule interrupts him. It's just a thing he's gotten used to over the years.

The pacing is a little different. Baren counts the footsteps, gets an idea of where Zoro is based on other sounds, and then when he stops in front of - the door? The flag - that's when Baren finally opens his eye. One hand reaches up to rub at his own eyes before he sits up.

He hears the mumble and - it could be sleepwalking for all Baren knows - it still doesn't stop him from asking automatically:]

Where, Z?

[Where's it hurt and how can he fix it?]

[Where? Here. Stuck in this apartment. Away from the ocean, the sound of waves, the warmth of raucous, ugly laughter. He wants them back. He wants them by his side. I want to be where they are.

It's only when he glances towards Baren that he realizes he's been silent for what must have been minutes. He pushes his hands into his pockets.]

Sorry. I wake you up?

.... hard to sleep right now regardless.

[He's been fitful at best since the fire.

And he rests against the arm of the couch, just watching Zoro lazily as he tilts his head.

Something's up.

But he'll still close his eye because he doesn't care to discover more than that - ]

If you wanna talk about it, I'm awake anyway.

If not...

I'm awake anyway.

[If Zoro wants to talk in general.]

[He shakes his head. Shifts his stance. Doesn't move away from the flag.]

I just got something. Doesn't matter. They're gone.

Not forever.

[Baren's own thought bubbles run through -

So... what? Gone forever - he doesn't think he'll run into them again? Or it's useless? Worse than that? If he gets all his memories from fighting, maybe they're in a pretty dangerous place. Dead? Why does everyone have death memories? It's a new life but how much of that is he going to listen to - will it help at all?]

We'll find 'em.

[This time, Zoro doesn't shy away from reading Baren's thoughts. He stares directly at them without emotion. There's no trademark aggravation, no hint of humor–only exhaustion. One that's hollowed him out and rusted him.]

No. We won't.

[Destroyed worlds, saving remnants–wasn't that what they had found out after last month? That they were on some sort of nature preservation, scientists tracking and recording their every move.]

Have you been thinking about what they said? What all that info gathered was about? Everyone's so wrapped up in the memories... You ever think about what made them that? You ever think about what happened to those lives?

[Destruction and reconstruction. Wetting his lips, he stares up at the ceiling.] I wanna know why I'm here and not them. It doesn't feel right. [He takes the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.] It's not right.

[Everyone dies. Maybe you did too and you just don't know it. I probably did.

Unfiltered - certain. Nothing in this life is guaranteed, nothing. It's the sort of reality that Baren accepts unflinchingly but - ]

You don't know that they're not here. Or not in the next town over. Or across the globe - there's too many unknowns, Z. They could be somewhere in China staring at the exact same app we are but in Cantonese. Unreality bending, a long history of shady family dealings - there's nothing that says for sure that you're alone.

That we're alone.

[It's simple - because of course Baren follows all the shit that they say.]

Your captain could be wandering around, clueless. Same with my samurai. If you want answers, we'll get them. I'll hunt them down.

[Even more than I have been, if that's what you want.]

It's not like you to stall like this.

[Don't get stuck in one place.]

[That's where the frustration comes in.]

Yeah. I know. [No anger, not towards Baren. He rubs his face as text comes in a flurry above his head.

He shouldn't have to tell me that. Need to get it together. Falling apart. Getting weak. Especially when I'm so damn obvious about it. Don't bother people with personal concerns. 101. They need me. He needs me. How's anyone gonna rely on someone so weak?

And so on and so on. They don't slow, even when Zoro stops rubbing his temple and sighs, slumping against the front door.]

Not trying to. ["Trying"? No. There's only doing. "Trying" is what makes failures.] Just... feel like something's missing. [He shouldn't have to care.]

[It's the sound of the slump that gets Baren to open his eyes - did Z keep his feet? - and he ends up catching the thoughts even though he knows they're not meant for him. He shakes his head, tries to dispel the words that play back behind his eyelids, and then just shoves himself off the couch.

It's a walk up to Zoro, tilting his head as he goes. If he keeps his gaze focused on Zoro's face, it's easier. Ignore the bubble.

Is that what you think?]

You're a pirate, right? You find the treasure - what's important to you. That's the whole point, isn't it? Freedom, friends, whatever it is you want. No matter how hard it is to get there.

[That kind of dauntless, blind search suits you.]

Do you think I stick around because I need you? Or 'cause I need to be taken care of? Stupid.

It's not like I stick around for your brains or anything. Moron.

[I don't even know how to explain why I'm still here, except that I think I'm supposed to be. I want to be.]

Quit thinking less of yourself when you're still Z to me - and if you actually tell me shit, I get to do the thinking for you so you can stop being a moody pain in my ass.

[ - even if he raises a brow, looking more amused than annoyed by the end of it.

Not that I'd leave even if nothing ever changed but... worth a shot.]

Edited 2017-09-12 03:47 (UTC)

[I don't want to be hearing that from you.]

Glad we both don't know why you stick around. [Haven't been able to pay you back for anything. Don't you get tired of doing everything for me?] You can look. They're not going away anytime soon. Already told you enough anyway. Nothing new.

[The true extent of Zoro's ignorance: everything he thinks he believes he's already said.

Another sigh. It's now he doesn't bother to keep his feet, sliding into a seat at the foot of the door, back to staring into the eyes of a skull and crossbones too merry for it's own good.]

... It was a feast. Dark-haired woman was missing. Nami was there. Sitting next to Luffy, the captain. [He closes his eyes. Pinches his nose. As if it physically pains him to recall it all. Maybe it does.] My captain. I think he can stretch his body. Ridiculous, right? Arms were like rubber bands and he just kept stealing everyone's food from around the table like an asshole. [The slight annoyance he had in the dream comes back, as well as a small smile. The warmth of the memory cuts into him now that he's back in this quiet reality.

Zoro closes his eyes again.] Everyone was laughing. We were so loud I think the guards behind us were furious. Must've worked the kitchen to the bone. Plates kept coming out full and leaving empty, you know? [His smile's broader, his voice fond. Another glimpse at a sentimentality he rarely shows, even to Baren.

I'd never felt so at home.] They're all idiots. First time I've really got to see that.

[Baren matches Zoro as he goes - moving to sit down on the floor in front of him so that they're on the same level, as always. He doesn't expect to be actually told what Zoro saw but... he listens thoughtfully, tilting his head as he goes and - if Zoro doesn't mind him reading his thoughts, he does. If only for the sake of gathering more information.

More ways to help Zoro.

Even if by the end he's not sure if he can -

I'll never be enough to give him that.

But it's not a self-deprecating thought - or at least, that's not where it originates from. It's simple fact. He has to pull strings to give Zoro more support than just himself, a cagey bastard who doesn't know how to trust anyone.]

.... well, it's fitting that you belong among them then.

[Some people really are meant to be together.]

Loud, stupid people like that - bet they'd be easy to pick out in a crowd, whenever they get here.

[Baren's words bring him back and as comforting as they're meant to be, they leave him alienated.

Belong, huh? It was true. With every memory it became more obvious. Somewhere, he had found his place. Somewhere, he had found a connection he had never thought he would ever desire. His memories had given him a taste of a happiness he never realized he had been without. Now that he knew... Is this loneliness? He snorts. Pathetic.]

Yeah. I'm sure they'll stand out.

[If they came. If they weren't dead. If that world even still existed.

Sure would be a nice dream.]

Z.

[Softly - and Baren reaches out again, as he's used to doing by now. A hand through Zoro's hair, the scratch of nails to bring him back.]

We'll find them. They're out there.

[I'll find them for you. Don't know how I'll start, but I will. This world can't be that big.

And then, a bit selfishly - ]

Don't shut me out before you're all back together.

[After that is fine. Baren would understand but - he can't take care of someone who won't let him.]

[For once, Zoro stops him. Catches him by the wrist and pulls it back. There's a smile there, polite and joyless. It doesn't reach his eyes.]

Thanks. I appreciate it. Really.

[Shut him out? Back together? I really have gotten frail. A pat on the shoulder is the only response he can muster. Even he's not certain what it means. He stands up and grabs his keys from where ever they're hanging.]

But I can handle this. [Can't burden him with something I should be able to deal with. He rattles the keys in his hand, thinking for a moment before pocketing them.] I'm gonna head out for a bit. Can't sleep. You gonna be okay here?

[Polite.

They haven't been polite to each other a day in their lives.

It's the imposed distance that manages to annoy Baren more, that sits with him poorly. He scowls automatically and grabs onto Zoro's shirt before he's out the door - ]

No, I'm coming with.

[Who's this creature saying thanks to him....]

[Ah. A flicker of Zoro's typical annoyance.]

I didn't invite you.

That's never stopped me before.

[At least it's a flicker of something.

Baren doesn't want to admit to not wanting to be alone, even if that's how he feels at the very core. If Zoro leaves, Baren won't be here when he gets back. He's already thinking of where he would wander after this but there's also the stray thought -

I can't be them but I don't want to let you go.]

[Zoro watches the text fill Baren's bubble. It's still disturbing, seeing their thoughts laid bare. Zoro won't say it's unhelpful, though.

He takes a deep breath.]

You won't. You're the only one of them I've got here.

[An honesty rooted even deeper than his awkward, confused confession, than his anger at the fire. This is raw. This is Ryouta, not Zoro.]

I'll see you later. [Whether Baren follows him out or not is up to him. Zoro knows he can't stop him and honestly doesn't have the energy to try.]

[It doesn't make sense.

And to be fair, upon further examination, Baren supposes that shouldn't surprise him. Neither of them know how to handle feelings in any sort of productive way. It shouldn't be odd to realize that of course this is going to be clumsy and reckless the whole way through, to the point of being almost nonsensical.

Still, he follows after - whether or not he follows Zoro to his car, he's still undecided, he can see if Nika's awake and that's a backup plan - but he does speed up so that he's walking in front of Zoro. Backwards.]

Then why are you trying to leave me behind, stupid?

You're gonna trip and fall, stupid.

[haha joke's on you. He's not going to his car. He's legit just going for a walk, hands crammed into his pockets.]

I'm not trying to do anything. Just wanted some fresh air.

[The apartment felt suffocating.]

Then why wouldn't I want to come along, moron?

[He's only going to start to have trouble walking backwards around the stairs, at least??? He'll hold onto the railing just in case but otherwise keep going.]

You're being stupid.

[And he's still trying to puzzle it out -

Why bother forcing your smiles? I don't want those.

You won't let me touch you either.]

[How the hell is he able to do that?]

Because I don't need them. I'm here. [That's the problem.]

I know it's stupid.

[Hell, he wishes he could be like everyone else. Get angry and mad at his memories. He's got enough that are unsettling.

He remembers the laughter. The clatter of plates piled onto clapping and boisterous singing.

How could he bring himself to dislike that?] What do you want me to say?

It's not stupid. And it's not about what I want you to say.

[Baren stops right before they exit the staircase, making himself a small physical barrier - just to slow Zoro down and get him to listen. Force him to listen to what Baren has to say. It's self-important and might not even be correct.... but it's not like he doesn't relate.

Maybe he doesn't understand, not so completely, but being in a place so warm, so full of laughter and sincerity, the likes of which you've never had -

His heart aches as he thinks of a childhood that he hates wanting.]

... You're not being an idiot for wanting to find pieces of that life that's better than this one, Z.

Stop beating yourself up for being human.

You're not gonna move.

[More of a statement than a question. For a moment, he considers pushing Baren out of the way but the thought seems cruel, excessive and unnecessary.

So he settles with where they are. Retreats back to the steps and sits down. It'd be better if they were outside–the stairwell is worse than the apartment–but that's how it is.]

I'm not used to obstacles I can't beat. I should be able to. Should be strong enough. But if that world where that life was is gone I can't get that back. If it's really true that we're from dead worlds then I shouldn't one that survived. I should have been the one that died protecting them so they could be here instead.

If that's the case then I failed. And if it's not... [He folds his hands, rests his elbows on his knees.]

... A kid who's been here awhile told me something. Didn't like it so I snapped at him. He said that if they are here there's no guarantee they'd want these memories. That some of us hate each other despite what we remember.

He's right.

And I don't know how to beat that obstacle either.

[Has he ever talked this much?

It's just a sincere wondering - but Baren is surprised when Zoro sits down. That wasn't meant to happen either. It's weird, navigating around this Zoro that isn't quite so gruff or willing to shove him around. Is it because of the fire? Or because of the dream? He's still trying to figure it out.

He listens, even if he doesn't know entirely how to help. Aside from giving his own unasked for opinions - ]

If they remember what you remember, there's no way they'll be able to hate you.

[ . . . which might also be part of Baren's own small doses of naivete, the way that he can't hate anyone who's ever shown him kindness. He knows the rest of the world doesn't function that way but.

The idea of someone hating Z is laughable.

If they really got to know him, they'd find there's nothing to hate. Like Baren did.

He doesn't sit down, just leans against the wall and eventually speaks up - ]

... I can try to provide answers and point out the things that you'll probably realize on your own once you're out of your weird headspace, or I can shut up and let you talk.

We haven't done this before, Z.

[Emotions are hard for them.]

So it's your pick.

[What does he want from Baren? Someone to tell him he's wrong or just another presence? At this rate, Baren won't leave him alone but -

I'll try to be whoever you need.]

[That speech bubble pulls out a genuine smile this time.]

You really gotta stop thinking I'm such a good guy.

[There's plenty of people who hate him. You could probably trace his path across the globe with them.

It reminds him just how little he's let Baren know about him.

Well, that's fine.]

You're just gonna make it awkward phrasing it like that, you know. Make this whole thing sound like a therapy session. You know I bailed on those, right?

[You're good enough that I don't know how to leave.

He can't say that out loud - doesn't have the grace for it, but it's what he sincerely thinks, at least. It's a disarming sort of kindness and acceptance that Baren probably won't hear a word about how Zoro sucks from anyone.]

Yeah, fucker, even though that was the one thing that I thought would've been of any use to you.

You're in luck, though. I'm no therapist. So you can bullshit me and I might never know.

[But you won't, right? No lies.]

How the hell were they supposed to help me get stronger?

[Because clearly that was the only solution to Zoro's near-death experience.]

Anyway... Your plan sounds like shit. How about this, since I'm feeling generous: You ask me something. I'll answer. Maybe.

[Blame it on the memory. He's all softened up. At least with Baren.] Otherwise I can't think of much else you'd need to know.

Because your weakest muscle is the mass of grey between your ears, stupid.

[ACCORDING TO BAREN, ANYWAY.... But also he doesn't think Zoro's ever needed to be smart? So he doesn't harp on it any longer than that. It's not like he's any better about sharing...]

Your generosity is stupid....

Then c'mon, let's go get something to eat if you wanna chat.

[So they're not confined in the stairwell, now that Baren knows Zoro won't run from him.]

[He never would have run away, idiot.

The mention of leaving indoors does seem to perk him up, at least.]

Finally. [He raises himself off the stairs and pushes his way through the door. Ah, sweet fresh air at last.]

You want hot dogs?

No.

[but he'll keep walking anyway.... truly this is what marriage looks like.]

Then don't eat. We're getting hot dogs.

[One or two stands are still open close to some nearby park. He's become a frequent enough customer that he and the vendor are on a first-name basis. Sometimes they give him a soda for free. That's where they're heading, unless Baren insists on dragging them off course.

He doesn't say anything the walk there. Doesn't think anything, either. Seems like it was true about how he thought he'd told Baren everything. At least things Zoro felt he needed to know.]

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[CLOSED] no matter how many seas separate us

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