recolle | [Open] Not What I Used To Be

[Open] Not What I Used To Be

WHO: Magilou & You
WHERE: Various locations
WHEN: 9/3-9/10
WHAT: Maggie becomes 14 and deals with in terrible ways.
WARNINGS: Terrible coping mechanisms, trauma, self-hatred, self-injury, mentions of suicide

I. Fight August 3rd

[It was rare that anything managed to actually make her genuinely angry. Perhaps it was because Maggie kept such a tight lid on her own feelings that things could rarely bleed through. But this was a moment rarer than that. A moment when that mask she wore crumbled, at that moment when she got a look at herself in the mirror.

[She shrieked when she first saw it.

[Now she had gotten dressed and left her apartment, and she felt that anger coursing through her. Most of it wasn't anger, rather, it was a large combination of strong emotions that could only manage to manifest themselves that way. She was pretty far from her apartment now, and she didn't know where she was going. She realized that now, she had only been just moving mindlessly to somewhere else without any clear sense of purpose. But, moving without purpose was just how she went through life anyways. Still, her eyes drift over to a window, to her reflection on the glass, that reflection that was most definitely hers and yet it was also a twisted mockery of her at the same time. She knew this was Retrospec's doing. She had figured that out already. And she understood now why people hated them, even if she herself didn't. The only thing she hated was that image staring back at her.

[She looked away. At that point, surrounded by people, she just simply decided to slip out of sight into a narrow, dark alley. She looked down at her own hands. Her own, smaller hands. The hands that she had left behind years ago. And she felt that anger she was barely containing swell up fully into a storm of rage, clouding her thougths and her vision. She looked up at the red brick wall in front of her, and she felt her left hand curl up into a fist. If she couldn't take that anger out on anyone... she had to release it somehow.

[The first time her fist connects with that wall, she feels some sort of sense of release, and pain. The sort of pain you would expect from punching a wall as hard as you could, but she barely registers it. So she keeps on punching that wall, her expression being completely blank as she does so. She doesn't flinch or scream of express anything about it until she's standing there with her fists are bleeding and broken, panting, and she then just, sits down against the wall. Back against the wall, expression still blank, her rage no longer clouding her mind. She looks at her hands then just lets them go limp, and she sighs heavily. And then she just asks herself three things.]

[What is she even doing anymore? Why is she getting so worked up over all this? And, most important, what will become of her from now on?]

II. Flight August 4th-7th

[She was alone there in the forest. It was better than the city. Ever since she’d noticed those thought bubbles, she had tried to avoid public places. She did not want her thoughts broadcast to anyone while she was in this state. So when she had not been simply staying alone in her apartment, she’d be heading to various remote locations. And this time, that had taken her out to the forest. Where she now laid in a patch of grass. There were multiple spirits she could see out of the corners of her vision, though none were coming near her anyways. Which was good. Although she did have half a mind to join them.

[But she wouldn’t. Not out of any sense of morality, no, people in her mind had the right to commit suicide if they really wanted to. She simply wasn’t an edgy kid. Instead, she would just let herself be here, by herself, where no one could look at her. Where no one could see what it was she had become. Where her deep rooted shame and despair were only hers to deal with, where the world couldn’t see it and mock her for it or tell her it was weak or tell her to get over it and she could just… let it exist.

[Even if she wished more than anything to be rid of it.

[But she never could be rid of her emotions. No matter how much she wanted to, no matter how much she cursed her feelings and cursed her pain and cursed the world and cursed herself more than anything else because really, she couldn’t blame anyone else. She was an utterly worthless person, and ultimately... it seemed like every single time she made any progress with bettering herself she just fell right back down into her pit. Her life over the last month had been looking up since that little finger cutting incident.She thought that maybe she could succeed in living a meaningful life, have friends, overall just be able to finally have confidence in herself. And then this had to happen and ruin all of that.

[All of these thoughts are swirling in her mind and she is desperately trying to grapple with them, alone, heading to her usual ways of not relying on others for anything. And, as usual, its effectiveness was not the best in the world.]

III. Freeze August 8th-10th, closed to her closeish CR
[You don’t know why she texted you to come over. There was no elaboration, no sort of fancy wording or anything of the sort. Just her address and a simple invitation.

[As you arrive, you see her sitting there on her couch, and and her apartment is actually clean. She’s sitting on the couch, eyes vacantly staring at the floor. But there’s her usual smile on her face. She understands what she needs to do. She is done running away, done acting like an edgy kid. She is going to face her problems like the adult she knows that she is, and not the kid that she looks like. And she refuses to do so alone. This is a prime opportunity to test out the whole “having friends” thing, and so that’s why she decided to actually turn to other people. People who she at least was actually ready to see her in this state, this weaker, pitiful state. And so she manages that smile for them, and rather than lying or joking about it, she only says one thing.]

"Hey. I guess you can see what Retrospec did to me, huh?"

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[Kath doesn't fully remember how she met Magilou, nor how she eventually came to view her as a friend. When she had first come to Recolle, she had been alone, much like she had been before, maybe a few acquaintances here and there, coworkers she had said hi to in and out of work, the occasional staff party where she'd exit through the back when she felt awkward and a bit drunk, making connections but never strengthening them. But then, somewhere along the way, there had been Magilou, the woman who seemed to give no care about anything but her own whims and occasionally those close to her. And, somehow, she had come to care for this chaotic frustrating person, even to the point of somewhat understanding how her actions and mind worked. Even if they did drive her up the walls.

So when Magilou texts her on the bus and its barely anything, barely a jab or a joke or meme, just a bare bones address and an invitation, she knows somethings off. So, without a moment of hesitation, she changes path, catching then earnest bus to Magilou's apartment.

One tense bus-ride and a bit of a walk later, and she's at the familiar door. Without hesitation she opens the door, somewhat distressed by its unlocked state, and walks in. Its too clean in here, too put-together, not anything like it was last time. A silent dread hangs over her head as she makes her way to the couch, said dread now embodied by a roiling dark speech bubble trailing behind her.]

Magilou, its Katherine. Is everything oka-?

[And then she stops.]

Magilou.......

[To Magilou, Kath will look...off. The depressions under her eyes show a lack of sleep, and the bubble behind her is roiling in anxiety. Doubt has been running through her mind, and the memory of a certain feeling has begun to take its toll. But at the moment the clearest look on her face is one of absolute shock.]

Edited 2017-09-03 23:02 (UTC)

"Kath. If you want an answer to your question, I think you can look at me."

[She says it with a certain cheeriness, but ultimately in the face of everything else around her, it rings hollow. She truth be told, feels uncomfortable letting Kath stare at her like this. She's not used to looking at it herself, let alone having to deal with other people like this. But, she's going to try, because just hiding from it isn't going to help her in any way whatsoever.]

"Things are decidedly not okay."

[She already knows the answers, she's seen physical regains happen before. But suddenly sprouting a tail pales in comparison to this, a change so large like this. For a second her bubble flashes "Retrospect" before changing to a blank white palate, its work done for now.

Silently nodding, Kath goes to sit next to he actress, trying to give a calm, attentive look.]

When did this happen to you?

"Sunday."

[She says it with a certain graveness. Yes, Sunday was when this entire mess began. Then again, the day didn't particularly matter, and she knew that Kath, on someone level, understood that fact. That the question she was asking was mostly being asked just out of courtesy.]

"...I guess you have a lot of questions, don't you?"

["Sunday..." The bubble seems to portray a sense of disturbed realization. She's been like this for five days now, five days, and only now chose to talk about it. What has she been doing since then? Before this?

Kath reaches out and, testing the waters, softly places her hand on Magilou's shouder in what is meant to be a comforting motion, which feels way too small now to actually be Magilou's. She's always been the taller of the two, but this is disturbingly different from that norm.]

...How have you been doing for the last few days? ["I worry I know the answer."]

"Oh you know. I beat up a wall and then secluded myself int he forest for three days. So, about as well as you would expect."

[Of course, she's right back into self-depreciation. It was a habit, really, and a bad one at that. She knew it would be better for her overall to just, stop, but she couldn't. But that was irrelevant to this. She knew Kath was trying to make sure she was okay, and so she moved closer to her, placing a hand on her leg. She then leaned towards her, looking her in the eyes. And, taking a deep breath, decided to be honest.]

"I was not fine Kath. I'm, still not. But, I've managed to work up the will to let other people see what's happened, and maybe even get some help."

[She takes a moment to sigh and breath. She hasn't been this close to a person for awhile now, not in this manner. The show of almost intimacy is somewhat off putting, memories going to a certain night at a bar, but the closeness is enough to calm her down. Though the closeness will also show to Magilou us the sheer worry in her eyes.]

All of that? [Magilou was a woman of extremes, that was something she had always known, and when she'd finally snapped, she'd gone to extremes. No one likes being powerless in the face of such change, after all. A younger Katherine definitely hadn't.

She removes her hand to check Magilou's hands for the bruises and scrapes she'd expect from someone beating up a wall.]

....How can I help?

Edited 2017-09-05 18:15 (UTC)

[ Koutarou has recently started to go to the forest on a regular basis. He only did it sometimes before. He's brought some of his sketchbooks along, as well as the photographs that Retrospec had sent him, but he has not put a single line to a single paper, instead returning to staring at those pictures time and again as he wanders.

Which has him end up lost. He was just about to give up and try to call his cousin for help, when he startles himself into looking up by stepping on a thick branch that snaps under his foot, and spots a person who is actually not walking in the middle of all the trees, but on an actual path. Probably, he can't be sure, but the trees seem to be fewer right there. ]

[Her eyes turn to look at him and she jolts up, her eyes locking with his. She supposes, however, that she should have expected intrusions like this. So she leans back on her hands, and then what follows in an ensuing silence as Maggie carefully deliberates her words. She doesn't want to be too hostile like this, but then again... she did come here to be alone. She supposes that she shouldn't be too off putting, however.]

"Hey. What brings you out here?"

[Her voice cracks just a little, and she scowls, for just a singular moment before she checks herself. It has been a long time since she had to put this much conscious effort into maintaining a facade, but the circumstances for it upon her. So she instead manages just a small smirk, not one of her usual devious grins but it will suffice.]

"Well, I mean, I guess you could try counselling me or something. After all..."

[What she needed wasn't just people in her life. Those people would help, but ultimately, the core of her own problems was herself. And similarly, the solution of them lied within herself. But yet that was a solution she couldn't see on her own. It wouldn't exactly be, standard therapy per se. Given that she was heading into it with a specific purpose, and it wasn't exactly meant to support her, but to resolve things for her. She just hoped Kath was actually capable of helping her.]

"For all of my utter genius, I am utterly hopeless when it comes to applying that genius to myself."

[ Ah---he didn’t mean to startle her. Though considering he startled himself as well, he shouldn’t be surprised that he did. He didn’t mean to bother, though to be honest, he’s relieved to see another person, since he’s been lost for a while. Since she doesn’t tell him to go away, he draws a little closer, trying to get out of the worst of the vegetation he’s stuck in. ]

I was looking to draw, but got a little lost while I was out...

[ Part of the problem with taking driver’s ed is that you still can’t drive to school if you miss the bus by half a minute, so Leo has to trudge to school by foot today. With his attention split between his phone, the sidewalk in front of him, and the people he has to avoid, he almost walks right on by the alley as usual. In his peripheral vision, he sees the slightest movement and glances up, frowning when he sees… a kid? Just sitting in the alley?

Should he… do something about this? Looking at his phone, he’s already late. It shouldn’t matter that much if he misses part of class. He gives another quick look in the direction of the school before ducking into the alley, approaching slowly. ]

Hey, you okay?

[ She looks almost… familiar? Leo definitely hasn’t seen her in class, though. ]

"Leo."

[She sounds somewhat surprised as she says it. He was not one of the faces she expected to run into. She didn't really talk with him much during their time in Team Absinthe but... she can still recognize him. She springs herself to her feet, and she waves her bloody hands, showing off her nine fingers. After all, if there was anything it would take to jog his memory there, it would be that. She flashes a small grin, though one riddled with spite at the same time.]

"Retrospec removes 15 years worth of development from my life and it can't even fix a finger."

Edited 2017-09-07 00:03 (UTC)

[Drawing. Not what she was expecting to hear but... she can take it. It at least lets her know he isn't just suspiciously out in the woods for no reason, though, his demeanor clues her into that quite quickly. Nonetheless, she's still cautious, her feelings of vulnerability still lurking about. She needed to maintain her state of alert, for her own safety, if nothing else. Yet, she still felt the need to approach him.]

"Oh. Do you have any idea how to get back?"

[Idle curiosity more than anything else there, but... if he didn't know how to leave on his own, then that would make things significantly more difficult on her end.]

Edited 2017-09-07 00:11 (UTC)

Maggie? I know a lot of people talk about missing their childhood, but I don't think actually de-aging is the way to do it. But I guess if they can give Cleo a tail...

[ But it's so weird. Maggie was definitely an adult when they'd met; it's just... strange for her to suddenly appear so young, and yet still without that one finger. You'd think if they can inflict all these changes on people, they could fix something like that in the process. ]

Why are your hands all bloody? You didn't try to cut off another finger, did you?

"No. I just picked a fight with a wall. The wall won."

[She frowns at the mention of Cleo's name, but she quickly brushes it off. However, she is intricately aware from Leo's own expression just how weirded out he is by this. The feeling is mutual, along with a subtle sense of horror creeping in about the non-aesthetic effects this could very likely be having on her. She really needed to see a Doctor. And Leo really wasn't old enough to fully grasp it, in her mind, though that was of no fault to the boy's own intelligence. More a life experience thing.]

"And hey. If you think it's weird looking at me, at least you aren't the one living it."

[ and john's... in the forest, because that's just the sort of person that he is. on this particular occasion, he'd traveled deep enough with the intention of practicing his newfound ability; thankfully, he has long enough sleeves to cover evidence of that.

but it's when he's taking a break, staking out on a more leisurely stroll, that he stumbles upon... well. an unfamiliar girl lying in the grass? if he didn't see her breathing, he'd be even more alarmed. ]

Oh, hey!

[ hence, his tone remains cheery. and curious. ]

Didn't expect to see anyone back here, admittedly.

[Her head turns towards him. She gets one look at him, his shock, his jovial demeanor, and deems him a complete non threat. Tghus she turns back to absentmindedly staring up at the sky, placing both of her hands underneath her head. Her tone as she replies to him is distant and vacant of all feeling and investment. As if her heart is lurking somewhere off in that non-existent space she is staring at so seemingly intently.]

"Neither did I. That's why I came here."

[Well, besides ghosts. But ghosts weren't the worst company out there.]

Oh. My bad.

[ john rubs at the back of his neck, mindful of his collar. and he's not that sorry, not really; he's uncertain of what to make of all this. the complete lack of emotion in her voice is something worth noting.

whatever. he'll screw off if she insists on him doing that. ]

You doin' okay, though? [ asked despite all signs thus far pointing to 'no.' ]

"Three words. Retrospec appearance changes."

[That's all she needed to say. if he wasn't on the app, he'd simply be confused and then she would just, shut her mouth and ignore him until he left. If he was on the app, then he would likely understand instantly what she meant, but... possible responses there varied.

[And only one of those responses was good.]

[ ah. ]

[ sure, something retrospec-related he could've expected, but— appearance changes? she looks normal to him (then again, he didn't recognize her from anywhere). of course, stating something like that was bound to be absurdly unhelpful. his smile's disappeared.

he blinks, taking that in. ]

Sorry. [ he can't believe he's already apologized twice in the past twenty seconds. ] Retrospec's real crappy like that.

"Yeah."

[But she didn't exactly hate them for it. Sure, Retrospec changes sucked. She hadn't exactly known what that was like until now and man now she really got it, but... she didn't really hate Retrospec for doing it. What, with all this whole "reconstruction" stuff that Shouto had told her about, this was probably just a part of that process. A really, really shitty to deal with part.]

"I guess... I just have to live my life like this now. Move on with my life. The question is, how do you move on with your life when Retrospec feels the need to regress your body back 15 years?"

[ holy fuck? is that what happened—

john's heard of being having hair colors changed, eyes, height... but regressing in age really knocks those out of the ballpark, as far as it goes on the tiers of awfulness. he ends up staring at her a second before tearing his gaze away. ]

[ there's no good answer to that. ]

Dunno, I'd probably wanna beat somethin' up, to vent. [ ugh. a hasty correction as he better collects himself: ] Not that I would— Retrospec hasn't given us much, in terms of who to point the blame finger at.

"I beat up a wall."

[Which, normally wasn't her style but walls were a good target and she hadn't been restraining herself too heavily at the time. She states the fact with a disconnected tone, even though it had been a rather heated moment. Not like it mattered though. She was going to keep up her state of disconnection in front of a complete stranger no matter how much she actually was invested in things.]

"The wall won."

Well, damn.

[ he almost has to respect that. walls, uh, aren't exactly an easy target. even as disconnected as her tone is, he recognizes that beating up a wall would take some intense emotions in the moment. ]

Try somethin' where you might actually win next time. Could make you feel a bit better.

[ and a hovering thought: Unless you really just like losing. ]

[ There's the self-deprication again, a little cracking of the window to see whats going on in her mind. How she thinks and views herself and those around her. It says a lot when Maggie asks her, a licensed, registered counsellor, to help: it means she's taking this seriously.

Katherine isn't sure if she can go forwards with that without biases and personal assumptions, but something tells her Magnolia isn't going to take no for an answer. Maggie's her friend, and while Katherine has her worries...she has to do what she can. ]

There are other people you could seek help from that would understand your situation, [ Gives her a second option. ] but if you specifically want me to council you, then I'll do all that I can.

[ Its up to Maggie to decide on what she wants. On who she needs. ]

"Sometimes you just need a punch a wall. It isn't really about winning or losing."

[There was a slight hint of something there, but the jury was out on whether or not that was some form of smugness or just some sort of odd self-hatred. Those are really her two contradictory and predominant emotions, after all, opposed completely and yet tightly interlinked with each other.]

... Sure thing.

[ pain can serve as a pretty solid distraction, among other things, he knows. while john's smile has reappeared, it's skewed enough to look something more like a smirk. he lifts his shoulders in a shrug, his previous joviality having returned for the time being. ]

Anyway! So long as you're not gonna off yourself in here... [ he sticks his hands into his pockets. ] I'll leave you be, 'kay?

"Please. You're actually a person that I know Kath, I'm not gonna go around spilling my life story to strangers or anything. Besides in jokes, anyways."

[Jokes about her history are too hard to resist and too fun to make. But she never gets too into detail with them anyways, so it's not like it really matters too heavily. Even so, that was partially a lie. She could talk about her past perfectly fine, but she never dealt with it. She always treated her past in a disassociated manner, like it somehow was just this emotionally distant thing when in reality it was a phantom that constantly haunted her. A phantom of unaddressed incident after unaddressed incident that she could brush off and act like it was nothing.]

"I, don't trust anyone else enough who's qualified to be honest."

[ Welp, thats telling, isn't it? ]

I'll help you then. [ She pulls back from Magilou, putting some distance back on the couch, straightening her back. Its time to get serious. ] But first, if we're to work together on this, I'll need you to be cooperative with me.

"well... I have no reason not to, do I?"

[She smirked a little, then quickly decided to put it in more concrete terms.]

"So I'll work with you."

"I'm not an edgelord. I won't kill myself over a physical change like this, no matter how uncanny it might be."

[She's keeping up the stoicism but she truly means those words as she says them. She has some level of pride, after all, and that pride is why she doesn't really consider just, ending it right there. That, a certain ingrained disdain for suicide in general, and also she just doesn't want to die. Though she doesn't much care about living either. Not much of a comfort there but... that's just the way she is.]

"But sure, do whatever you want. I don't care."

[ He's also out listening for a voice but he has been unable to hear it this far. So he also is out randomly, but he always looks for things to draw, so that will always be true. ]

No but, as long as I know the general direction I should probably be able to get out eventually.

[ He doesn't notice the thought "And if not, I can always call Chuuya for help," leaking. ]

[Maggie notices, but also she doesn't know Chuuya so she has no comment on that matter. Rather, what she says next is a said with a certain sense of distance to it, from both her being wrapped up in her own thoughts and her own caution towards other people.]

"I see."

[It's an oddly simplistic statement from her, but she can't be bothered to muster up enough energy to say anything else.]

Well I'm trust trying to make sure you'll cooperate.

[ Magilou is a normally confusing/frustrating person, so its only normal for Katherine to want to ensure that. She's already certain there will be bumps up ahead. ]

If its okay, can you tell me what exactly you want to...acheive through all of this. Usually people seek counseling to address a certain problem they or someone else recognizes. What do you want addressed?

[ No one knows better than the one in the mirror, after all. ]

Maybe not your best idea.

[ Why are you like this??

Leo does have the sense to look sheepish for staring at her, at least. What must that be like? For him, shaving off a few years would just be annoying at worst - but isn’t it closer to a decade for Maggie? ]

Sorry. Um… Maybe we should get you to a doctor?

[ What do you do in this situation? Besides punch walls, apparently, but Leo doesn’t trust her judgment.

...He’s going to have to rework the prosthetic finger, too, isn’t he. ]

[ So for now, Koutarou doesn’t even know that one of his thoughts were visible. But at least it was only about his cousin, and nothing about the hallucinomemories.

“I see” is a very vague answer that doesn’t give much to carry a conversation. ]

Do you know the way back toward the city?

Dunno what an "edgelord" is.

[ he supposes he doesn't feel too bad in admitting to it; he considers himself versed well with the dictionary that he merely assumes it to be some unfamiliar slang. ]

[ and he wants to push with the questions— just a little bit, but he'll resist for the time-being. keep it civil. he tips his hat at the permission, offering her an unnecessary smile of gratitude this time. but, before he does as bid: ]

What's your name?

"...Damn normies."

[She says it under her breath, barely even audible. It carries within it a mix of disdain, dismissiveness, and almost a certain form of fondness. This poor man desperately needed to be taught by her. But, she might as well get her introduction out of the way first, it was only polite.]

"Maggie Mayvin. What's yours?"

Oh-! We've talked before, sort of.

[ while he considers texting to be a particularly superficial manner of communication, he supposes it's... something. his smile becomes a touch more genuine at the realization. ]

I'm that John Becket, if you remember. It's good to meet'cha again, Ms. Mayvin! [ yes, even if she apparently looks like a fourteen year old now. ]

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[Open] Not What I Used To Be

III - Thaw

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