[ Ryoji's physical affection, however subtle, feels completely new and foreign after all this time. But it's welcome, and Ritsu doesn't reject it. All this, it reminded him what it was like to be a kid. Specifically, to be back in that time. (His feelings weren't any more sorted now than they were then. What a joke.) ]

I pushed him out of the way... tore open a part of my head in the process.

[ Lost so much blood. He still can't tell if the next part of his memory is real or something he'd just imagined. ]

Saw a glimpse of my brother's face from my eye that wasn't covered in blood, for a second. Horrified. Guilty.

[ But it wasn't his fault. ]

When I woke up in the hospital he wasn't there. The doctors told me I was lucky to be alive. ... Then from my parents, that my big brother ran away.

[ How long did it take his shock to break into enough tears that he's felt were enough to last his lifetime? ] The police never found him. I blamed them for giving up. I blamed grandma for not noticing him slip away. I blamed my brother because how-- how could he do this to me.

[ The hitch in his breath left the rest of his words coming out high-pitched, weak. ] The wound didn't matter. Almost dying... who cares? He had to come back. He didn't. Now I... know. I can't blame anyone but me. It's pointless.

Hanging onto my brother too... it's pointless. My parents still set the table as if he was around. My parents still bought him birthday presents for when he'd return. I was so angry but I couldn't say it.

I've-- [ a sharp inhale ] become terrible. I wanted to replace him out of spite, or redemption. Be twice the son now that they lost one.

[ How far had Ritsu fallen into his own lies? A single truthful phrase would have summed it all: "I miss him." ]