[Something in all of that sends something through his system, sharp and unpleasant, and he pulls away abruptly once Jaeger is done with it; he isn't going far, granted, given that the sudden motion sends a spike of pain through his head, but he is sitting up decidedly more and that orange glow is noticeably present in his eyes again.]

Don't you understand? It's easier to do this now than it is to-

[He cuts himself off, shaking his head; he isn't even sure what he's holding anymore - the cloth from earlier, his coat - but what matters is there's fabric in his fingers and he doesn't seem aware of the motion but he's twisting it the gesture agitated and strangely anxious.]

It's not that it isn't enough, I never said that it isn't enough, that's never been the problem - or if it is, that isn't due to anything you've done. Chris and Jill weren't enough for me, either, and apparently neither is being given a chance to start over - do you think I'm not able to control myself? I can do better than this, I should be doing better than this, but for some reason I keep coming back to it, I-

[god fucking damn it.]

One day you're going to leave like the others did. Not because there's anything wrong with you, because you're going to try your best until you finally go. But because I'm defective.

That's why.